Rating: PG...Really, the language isn't THAT bad!

Summary: We've got Michael angst. We've got Frohike angst. We've got a girl who can't mind her own damn business.

Spoilers: Nope.
 

"It's always a choice, to be a slave in heaven or a star in hell. Only hell doesn't always look like hell. On a good day, it looks a lot like LA."

David Duchovny in "Playing God" (which I didn't see, but my husband loved that line). Copyright 1997 Miramax Films and used without permission.
 

Sonis et Furiae
 

February 6, 2000

Kat and I tried our best to relax and unwind. What I discovered, however, was that Kat was a maudlin drunk, and after about an hour of doing margaritas, she was crying with a vengeance and unable to stop.   I dialed the nurses's station and asked for Gizzie.

"Gizzie's not on tonight."

"Who's taking over?"

"Erilynn is here. Gizzie hasn't had a night off in two weeks."

"All right. Can you leave a message for Langly? He's in with John Byers-"

"We know who he is." The tone of the person answering the phone made it clear that her opinion was somewhat less than positive. "What's the message?"

"Tell him Kat and Ally went home."

"Kat and Ally?" She seemed to find this funny. "What if I just told him that Ally Kat went home?"

"Just tell him. Please."

"Fine." She hung up giggling. I hope she realized that if she didn't deliver the message, I would make her pay big time.

I'd sic my mother on her.

Langly had not been terribly happy with our proposed plan, mostly because we were going to El Torito and he wasn't, but I think he recognized that Kat needed a break, and he bitched minimally. I'd have worried had he not bothered to complain at least a little, so this was actually reassuring.

Kat passed out promptly on the sofa; I don't think she was accustomed to heavy drinking, and she'd indulged in a bit of it. I covered her with one of the blankets we kept out there for just these sorts of things.

I'd still not finished picking through Langly's e-mail, and he had been after me to do it whenever I had time. I had time now; the girls had borrowed one of the videocams and were shooting their own version of a horror movie, complete with a great deal of shrieking and giggling, not to mention use of every large knife I owned.   Jo left shortly after I arrived and thanked her profusely; she was really going out of her way for us, and I appreciated it.

"Michael's out in the office," she said to me as she left.

Great, just where I was headed. I wasn't really looking forward to dealing with him, but I really needed to check some more e-mails, and most of them didn't make their way on to the network that we used inside the house.
 

Michael still had my keys, so I had to pound on the door and wait out in the cold for about 5 minutes while he deigned to rise up and answer.

"What?" I finally heard him snarl.

"It's Allison. Let me in." I heard him unlatch the locks and set the security system. He let me in silently.

"How're you doing?" I asked him.

"Just ducky," he hissed. "Whaddya want?"

"For your information, I came out to do some work."

"Oh." He returned to his workstation and continued to type. "Thought you were coming out to take a few swipes at me. Seems everyone else has."

"Oh, Michael, cut it." I had a lot of tequila in my system, and I wasn't in the mood to have my buzz interrupted. "I heard Jo came by today."

"Yeah. One weird lady."

"She's your dad's friend. She's worried about you."

He barked a harsh laugh. "Yeah, she's worried about me. Right. She's just worried about my dad." He spat the last word as though it tasted foul. "Once again, the fucking coward bails out."

"He'll be back, Michael."

"Yeah. That's what Jo says. You know where that lady took me today?"

"To the war memorial. The Wall."

"Yeah. I'd like to know what the point of that was."

"It's part of your dad's and her history."

"Yeah, well, it was mostly just depressing. Bunch a people standing around, just looking, not saying anything. Weirdness."

"Did she say why?"

"No. Says she just goes there to think and remember. Total weirdness."

"Nothing wrong with being quiet and contemplative, Michael."

"Yeah, well, I prefer to be elsewhere, thank you very much!" He smacked the computer keyboard. "Goddamit, where did the bastard go?"

"I'm not sure." Which, in fact, was an honest answer. "I'm sorry, Michael. Maybe it all just got too much for him."

"Yeah, well, he coulda at least said something!" The hurt in his voice was outcoloring the anger. I ached for him.

"Michael, he's-"

Both of us grew quiet. We heard keys in the lock. Four people in the world had keys to that lock-Langly, Byers, Michael, and Frohike.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in!" Michael spat out as the figure of his father graced the doorway.

"Frohike, are you all right?" I couldn't keep the frantic notes from creeping into my voice.

"I'm fine. Hello, Michael."

"Oh, hello, DAD." Michael was truly bent now. "Nothing like just walking in after you take off not telling anybody-"

"Michael, I needed some downtime. I'm fine now."

"Maybe you're fine, but I'm NOT!" Michael's timbre grew furious, and the volume made the support beams shake. "You just take off, you don't say shit to anybody-"

"Michael, I'm sorry. It was just getting to be...too much."

"It was always too much, wasn't it? Wasn't it? You won't help me at all, will you? Huh? I mean, it's like all your friends gotta feel sorry for me 'cause YOU won't be my father! You don't even want me here, do you?"

"Michael, that's not true, and you know it. If you recall, I went looking for you-"

"And now that you found me, I bet you're sorry you did!"

"No, I'm not!"

"So why do you let everybody else do your dirty work? Answer me that!"

"Michael, I wasn't even sure you'd see me, do you realize that?" Frohike looked as though he'd been struck. Hard. "Do you have any idea how difficult it was to go and try to find you after all this time? When I didn't even deserve to see you?"

"That's just being a fucking coward!"

"No, Michael, you're wrong. All those years I couldn't see you...wasn't allowed to see you...I can't do anything about that now-"

"You could try and help me out once in a while!"

"I've tried to. We've let you work here-"

"Only because you needed somebody to do the work, and I happened to be here-"

"And you're good at it, Michael."

"Don't try flattering me, old man," Michael's voice rasped harshly. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do. You want me to go live in the streets? Huh?"

"Michael, I will not let you live in the streets again. And had I known it before, I'd have done something about it. I've lived on the street, you know."

"Bullshit."

"It's true."

"Yeah? And how'd you get off?"

"I had some help from friends, I had some ideas for what I could do. I couldn't have done it myself."

"Yeah, well, neither can I!" Michael was almost in tears now. "I got no place to go, no money, nobody who gives a fuck-"

"Michael, please." Frohike moved tentatively toward him, extending a hand towards Michael's shoulder. Michael drew back sharply.

"Don't touch me!"

"Fine. I won't. And before you get on your feeling sorry for yourself trip, Michael, I'd like to point out that you're not the only one here who's had suffering in their lives! It's hardly unique to you!"

"Yeah, only to you!"

"No. To all of us. It's part of the human condition."

"Is that what they teach you in Catholic school?" Michael sneered.

"Yes, they do, as a matter of fact! But that's not why I believe it. I believe it because I have evidence all around me that it exists.

"Michael, I was thinking about this a lot, and I was wondering if you thought you were ready to come and live with me."

"Gee, don't make me feel guilty or anything!"

"Has nothing to do with it. I was thinking a lot while I was...out. And it occurred to me that maybe it's time for me to take on the responsibilities I should have insisted upon long ago."

"Why, so you can make me suffer some more? All you ever do is yell at me! I'm like such a giant screw up to hear you talk! Well, where do you think I learned it from?"

"Michael, that's not fair. I've been wrong. I admit it. I'll be accountable for it. But that does not mean you don't have to live up to your responsibilities, either!"

"Are we gonna go over the phone bill thing again? You just don't let up, do you?"

"It's not just the phone bill, Michael. You skip classes, you treat Allison and Langly badly-"

"I do not! I try to be decent, and all I get from Langly is shit!"

That's because you both wander into the stubborn zone at exactly the same times, and it's not big enough for both of you, I thought.

"Still, you are in their home, and I think they've been very gracious to you-"

"Yeah, I get a room in the basement, I gotta do whatever Al'son wants whenever she wants it-"

"Hey, Michael, I don't ask unless I really need it!" I threw in a piece of my redheaded temper to let him know not to go there. "Sorry it's not paradise! It's not exactly paradise for me, either!"

"Well, I'm fucking sorry I screwed up your life so bad-"

"Michael! Stop!" Frohike yelled. Something he didn't normally do. Even I stopped short. "Allison, please, hold back."

"Michael." His mouth was clenched. "I came to ask you if you thought you were ready to share a place with me. I think I owe you that much."

"Gee, I didn't know I rated so well." He was oozing sarcasm now. "Seems to me you always have time for your FRIENDS but not for me!"

"I know, it seems that way sometimes. And I know that now. That's why I came to ask you-"

"God, am I a popular guy or what? You know Jo asked me to move in to her place?"

"Did she?" Frohike raised an eyebrow. "She didn't say anything to me about it."

"That's 'cause you haven't fucking been AROUND!"

"Michael, I think I'm accountable to people. But sometimes I need to blow it off. Which is what I did."

"Well, you scared the shit outta me!"

"And I'm sorry. I am. Michael, don't you understand? I don't want to lose you again. It scares me to death that I'm going to come over here one day and find out that you took off, no word to anybody, nothing, and I'll be alone again-"

"I don't think you need to worry about being alone!"

"Michael, you're not listening. Please. I'm asking you. I'm trying. I'm not doing a very good job-I've been out of practice for awhile, you know. But I am trying to make amends. Now please. I know I don't have the right to ask you to forgive me or to let me have a chance. But I'm asking anyway, and not doing very well at it."

Michael was silent for a few moments, and so was Frohike. I typed away into Langly's computer, pretending to work. I could tell from across the office that Michael's face was hidden in his hands.

When he looked up, you could see grubby tears streaming down his face. "Why'd you go away? Other kids, their parents get divorced, they still see their dads-"

"Michael. I need to show you something. And no, these haven't been altered in any way." Frohike went to the safe, dialed the combination, and when it unlocked, grabbed a huge, fat envelope full of documents. I think they'd become oblivious to my presence, and I returned to my typing, but with half a nosy ear open.

"These are what?" Michael asked, choking on sobs and rubbing his nose.

"These are the divorce papers your mother served on me. The service of process, court transcripts, final decree, property division, custody agreement. Go ahead and read."

Michael took the sheaf of papers as though they might explode in his hands. He began to gingerly read through them. Frohike was silent, and waited as his son perused the documents.

I actually got through about twenty e-mails before Michael spoke again. When he did, he was crying even harder.

"Mom lied." He looked utterly broken. "You weren't shitting me all this time."

"No, Michael, I wasn't." The words were spoken softly, matter of factly.

"I just have one question," he choked out. "You coulda looked for me when I was 18. I'm almost 24 next month. How come you waited so long?"

"I didn't think I had the right."

"That's such bullshit! You always had the right!"

"No, I didn't. I didn't earn the privilege of being a parent. I still haven't."

What about the responsibility of being one, I thought.

"I'm asking for it, anyway. I really don't want to lose you, Michael. It took me such a long time to get up the nerve to find you. I didn't even know if you'd see me. I was never so frightened in the South Asian jungles as I was the night I knocked on the door of your apartment."

"Like I could do anything to you!"

"You could have told me to fuck off."

"I almost did. I was...curious."

"But you didn't. And that counts for a lot with me, Michael." Frohike looked down at his fingerless gloves, a fashion statement we all loathed, but he was equally loathe to give up. "Tell me, why did you come here?"

"Didn't have anywhere else to go." Michael looked ashamed.

"There's a line in a Robert Frost poem, "Home is when you have to go there, they have to take you in." You must have known I'd take you in."

"But you didn't. Your friends did."

"I felt it was for the best at the time. I don't feel that way anymore."

Michael was still whimpering. "Why'd she lie to me and Les all those years? Why? Why couldn't she just tell me what she did?"

"Would you have felt differently about her than you did?"

"I dunno," Michael sobbed. "But she was wrong, and she fucked me up but good!"

"Michael, I'm not going to excuse her actions. But try to understand something. We started life in probably the most normal fashion in the world, our lives together. We had dreams, plans. You and Leslie were part of those plans. And for a while, it seemed to all be falling into place, and we were happy. I sold her one dream, but she found out that what she bought was something quite different from what she thought."

"She hates you, you know."

"I know she does. And I can't say as I blame her."

"She oughta get over it by now. But she never will, I bet. 'Course, I haven't talked to her since she kicked me out. I'm never talking to that bitch again!"

"Don't say never, Michael. She is still your mother. And if the truth be told, I did ruin her life."

"Why? 'Cause you got caught?"

"That was a risk I took when I did what I did. And I'm sorry for all the pain I caused her, and especially to you and Leslie. But what I was finding out wasn't something I could ignore then, and I can't ignore it now. You trust in your government, and then you find out that they spy on you, try to control you, experiment on you-"

"You mean, that was a surprise to you?" Michael looked astonished.

"Michael, I had possibly the most conventional upbringing in the world. Catholic school. Altar boy and acolyte. Played football, entered the military. And when I was in the military, I saw and learned things about our country's policies that shocked me, but when I came home, my impulse was to try and forget, to build a normal life, similar to the one I grew up. A
more innocent time, Michael. It truly was for me. But in fact, there was so much happening, I barely began to comprehend it when I stumbled upon it."

"Mom tried to get her marriage annulled when you went to prison, you know."

"And it's one of the things that makes her so angry. She was a good Catholic-"

"Contradiction in terms," growled Michael.

"Whatever. And her request for annulment was rejected, and her only alternative was civil divorce. I think that was a difficult choice for her to make."

"But she made it."

"She did. And I'm not sure I blame her."

"You're way too nice to her."

"No, Michael, I'm not. I haven't spoken to her in years. I won't, either. She's had enough heartbreak. I don't need to remind her of what was and what is. She couldn't believe I'd put...certain concerns above her and you and Leslie. And I have a hard time reconciling my conscience with it as well. I'm still not always certain I did the right thing. But I did what I felt I had to do. I'm just sorry that you had to pay for it. I would really like to make it up to you, if I could, as trite as that may sound. I'd at least like to try."

Michael's sobbing had become mere whimpering now; he was gasping for breath, and he looked utterly spent.

"I think I wanna go home now," he said, very softly, in a child's voice.

Frohike stood up and turned to me. "Allison, my dear. Would you be a love and lock up?"

"Sure. G'night, guys."
 

The phone rang as I went through my nth e-mail of the night. My eyes were, I noticed, beginning to get very middle-aged. I had resisted reading glasses for a long time; I wasn't going to be able to battle the onslaught much longer. I rubbed them and yawned.

The phone rang, and I jumped up.

"Lone Gunmen." I'd forgotten to flip the tape on.

"Tape off? It's me."

"Langly-oh, fuck, I'm sorry, babe."

"Nah, just wondering if Kat was coming back tonight."

"Kat passed out in a drunken stupor on our sofa. I've been working out here. Frohike's back, by the way."

"Yay. I kinda thought you'd be out there, seeing as nobody answered the phone inside. He okay?"

"He's fine. He took Michael with him, by the way. They had quite a blowout, but I think they did some talking, and they'll probably talk more. I think they'll be okay."

"Let's hope so."

"How's John?"

"He woke up a little while ago, and you're not gonna believe it, but he recognized me."

"How d'you know?"

"He said, "Langly, what are you doing here?""

"So what'd you say?"

"I said I couldn't get a date." I laughed. "But you oughta see the sub nurse-that girl's got the biggest set of jugs I've ever seen!"

"Langly!" I reminded him sharply. "You've been around Frohike too long."

"Did he say anything else?"

"Yeah. He asked for Juliet."

END OF PART 65