Rating: PG

Summary: Okay, we're at the place...

Spoilers: Nope. Unless I really missed something.
 

"Hey, girl, what you doing over there?
Can't you see? I'm spraying my hair!
Let me tell you about the latest craze
Mama's hoping that it's just a phase
But I know it's gonna last forever
You gotta see the way it keeps my hair together...
Hairspray, oh Mama told me not to use it
Hairspray, but if I don't I'm gonna lose it
Hairspray, gimme gimme some control
Hairspray, it's got stand-up soul..."

Theme from the movie "Hairspray," directed by John Waters. Copyright 1983 by New Line Cinema and used without permission.
 

Hodoiporeo
 

May 15, 2000
T minus 1.5 hours and counting

"Where's Langly? You said he was coming back at 12:30," Miranda was getting more nervous by the minute as she curled my hair.

"Is it 12:30 yet?"

"Yep."

"Then he should be here."

"Well, he's not."

"Miranda, it's his wedding day! He'll be here! Please, I'm the bride, I'm supposed to be stressing here!"

"Lemme do your nails, Ally," Shelby beckoned.

Although not in their dresses, Miranda and Shelby were do'ed up, lacquered and manicured-and they did look gorgeous. And very grown-up.

"I'm allergic to polish, you know."

"I know that. I'm just gonna do a manicure. C'mon, you'll like it."

I succumbed to the pleasure of having my nails done...Shelby was really quite good at this. I found myself the most relaxed I'd been since the beach the night before (early this morning? A hundred years ago? Whatever).

"At least it's quiet here for now," Miranda marveled as she rolled my hair around the curling iron. "Good thing you're not upstairs."

"Why, is Grandma having a tantrum royale?"

"Grandma? Hell, no. She's down in the bar having brunch with her buds. Least she was. No, Grandma's behaving for a change."

"How many Bloodys had she had when you saw her?"

"Just a couple."

"Give her time."

"No, really, Grandma's pretty mellow this time out. She's only yelled at Rob once."

"She is mellow." And that worried me.

"She says she's having fun this time. All she's gotta do is sign the checks and have a good time."

"You seen Frohike?"

"Yeah, we saw Frohike, getting ready for another coronary," Shelby said nonchalantly.

"Oh, shit."

"Well, something about the cake."

"What about the cake?"

"Well, the bakery lost the order for the cake..." Miranda looked at me and reacted to the panic in my face. "Mom, look, that was his job. He's working on it. Don't sweat it."

I think I would have been happier not knowing that.

I could hear a knock at the door. "I'll get it," Miranda offered. In stepped famile Mulder-Dana, Mulder and Rebecca.

"Hey, we've got something for you," Mulder grinned cheerfully.

"Dana," I signed, "you look totally gorgeous." Her hair was swept up, and her makeup had been done that brought out her beautiful titian hair and clear blue eyes.

"She does, doesn't she?" Mulder grinned wickedly. "Anyway, don't know if you have one or not, but in case you don't..." he handed me a small box. "Go ahead, open up."

I opened the small black and metallic 60s op-art print box, and inside...was a figurine of an alien bridal couple. I roared with laughter.

"Mulder, this is priceless! Thank you!" Even Dana smiled a little.

"Sorry, I couldn't resist," he shrugged. "It's a cake top."

"Well, provided we get a cake, we'll put it on there."

"Yeah, I guess Frohike's out combing Baltimore for a wedding cake."

Dana signed, "We need to go meet my mother. She's taking care of Rebecca during the ceremony." Mrs. Scully was an invited guest, but she didn't have altar duty. It would be her job to care for Dana and Mulder's little alien while they performed. I didn't envy her; Rebecca was a handful. Even now, with her beloved Daddy holding her, she was squirming and urging him to let her go.

"See you at the center," Mulder called out. "Hey, where's the groom?"

"Supposed to be here, and he's about to get his ass kicked if he doesn't hurry!"

"Where'd he go?" Dana asked.

"He's playing pool. I told him an hour."

"You're far more trusting than I'd ever be," Dana quipped as they left.
 

Another knock at the door. "Ally? It's Julie."

"Come on in, it's open," I called.

Julie's face had gone tense, distorting her pretty features. "Have you seen John yet?"

"No, I haven't. He should be here anytime."

"Where's your man?"

"At this point, I don't know."

"This is so typical," Juliet hissed.

"Juliet, want something to drink? There's a bottle of tequila out there that somebody dropped off."

"Hmm. I was going to wait to get to the ceremony, but I may just as well start now." Before she could get a glass from the bathroom, however, the door flew open, and a very flushed Langly raced in.

"Sorry. I was up 100 bucks."

"Yeah, and we're getting married in one hour. Get moving, Blonde One."

"Hey, it's not like I have to do that much."

"Langly, you gotta get dressed and get over there," Miranda reminded him. "So move your ass already!"

"God, Miranda, someday you'll make some man miserable, you know that?" he shot at her.

"I was hoping I was doing it now," she retorted.

"More than you'll ever know, more than you'll ever know. Like can you guys shut the door or something so I can have a little privacy? I'm pretty outnumbered here."

"God, and we were hoping for a cheap thrill," Juliet responded dryly.

"Where's Byers?" Langly looked around, expecting to see his friend.

"He's not back yet," I said simply.

"Well, he better hurry." The female folk all rolled their eyes and passed a knowing look.

Miranda finished the last tendril, then drew my hair back into a large clasp and arranged the curls around my face. Then I got attacked with Aqua Net in a major fashion. I sneezed so hard my mascara was running.

"Here, let me fix that," Miranda blotted at my eyes. "This stuff's supposed to be waterproof."

"Yeah, but not snot proof," Shelby added.

"God, am I better off knowing that?" Juliet rolled her eyes.

"Ally!" A frantic scream from Langly pierced through the door. "Whaddya know about formal wear?"

"Jack shit, Langly. What's the problem?"

"I can't figure out the buttons!"

"Oh, Jesus Christ," Juliet shook her head. She came out of the bathroom. "Here, I'll help you with that." She apparently situated the buttons with ease, as a few moments later I heard her say, "See? That's not so hard, is it?"

"And I can't tie the tie."

Juliet looked over at me with a sympathetic, pained expression. "Ally, I hope you know that he's useless."

"Oh, not entirely," I winked at Langly, who was looking a little pale by now.

"Mom, you keep messing up your eye makeup! Now settle!" Miranda scolded loudly.

The door received another loud knock, this time from what appeared to be several fists. Juliet opened it and let in the distaff portion of the party-Joan, Ellen, and Dana, with Jo accompanying them.

"Everyone ready?" Joan called out.

"Just about."

"Where's your dress?" Dana asked.

"In the closet."

"Don't forget your shoes," Miranda warned.

I looked over at Langly in the midst of all this. He was dressed to kill. I walked over to him and whispered in his ear.

"You look sooo fine. How about we skip this whole gig and spend the afternoon in bed?"

"Starting to sound real good to me." He wasn't looking very good right now, in spite of being so damn sexy I could eat him up right then and there. He looked...terrified. I thought he was going to fall out of his skin when the door was banged on loudly again.

The male entourage raced in, all decked out, as contrasted with the rest of us, who were going to dress at BCC.

"Sorry," Byers was breathless as he leaned over to kiss Juliet quickly. "Got a flat on the way back." He pulled the black velvet box from his pocket. "Miranda. This is Langly's ring. Do you have a large enough finger that it would stay on?"

"Maybe my thumb," she suggested.

Byers slipped the ring over her thumb. "Okay, that should do." He slipped mine into his jacket pocket. Another man who could do amazing things for a tux. The estrogen level in the room was getting palpable.

"Those are gorgeous rings," Ellen admired.

"They're in Hebrew," Mulder stated, looking a bit surprised. "Let's see how much I've forgotten-I am my beloved, and my beloved is me."

"Mulder, I'm impressed," Ellen grinned. "And here I took you for one of the slackers that slept in the back of the class."

"I did." He smiled evilly.

"All right, well, we're going to have to walk, since Eleanor and her friends took the limousine," Byers announced.

"WHAT!" Miranda was incensed.

"Miranda, it's half a city block," Ellen reminded her sharply. "You're young, and it's not far."

"What about our stuff?" Shelby demanded.

Dana gave them a Look she normally reserved for Mulder. "You're going to carry it, that's what."

"Langly, did you get a yarmulke from Mulder?"

"Oh, shit. I forgot to ask." He covered his eyes and shook his head.

"Wouldn't matter. I've only got one," Mulder shrugged. "You got a hat or something that's halfway decent? And I don't mean one of Frohike's."

"Just my Orioles cap." He looked like he was going to vomit.

"It's a hat. It'll do. Now let's move it," Ellen directed.

"Anybody seen my dad?" Michael whined.

"Last we heard, he was trying to scrounge up a wedding cake."

Byers was doing a quick head count. "Where's Renegade?"

"Says he's getting dressed over there. Says he'll meet us. Probably wants to have a little nookie with his old lady," Michael informed the group.

"I'm so sorry," the breathless voice of Melvin Frohike burst into our midst. "You have no idea how hard it is to find wedding cake for nearly 600 people on short notice."

"You find one?" Mulder asked. "I'm going to be really impressed if you did."

"Well, not one...more like 100. I went to every Baskin-Robbins in the area and cleaned them out. I just finished getting them there. Michael, tell your friend thank you for the use of the car." He handed Michael a set of rental car keys. "I'm not sure not bringing cars was such a wonderful idea."

"It'll be fine. C'mon, the bar's about to open, and you ushers gotta start ushering!" Ellen was growing impatient.

"I'll meet you in ten minutes," Frohike began to turn out of the room, then stopped. "Langly, are you all right?"

"I don't feel so good," he moaned.

"Quick, sit on the bed," Jo's training as a nurse took over. "Okay, put your head between your knees. Okay. Good. His shoes aren't tied, guys. Somebody do it?"

"Here, I'll get it," I handed my bundle of dress, shoes, purse, and other accoutrements to Anne, who was standing nearby with her arms open.

"Langly, I thought you were going to take care of your shoes yourself," Frohike reproached gently.

"I did," he moaned. "I've got shoes on."

"It's all right, he's not barefoot." Byers went over to him and slipped an arm over his shoulders. "Langly, it's okay. Deep breaths. Come on."

"Babe, what happened to you?" I whispered as I tied his shoes.

"I forgot you don't ask for extra Tabasco in your Bloody at the Limerick. My stomach hurts."

"Your boots are laced, babe." He raised his head slowly. I noticed a bit of color was beginning to return to his face-not that he's got a lot to start with, but at least he wasn't quite so ashen.

"You okay now?" Frohike asked him gently, patting him on the shoulder.

"I think so."

"Okay, I'll meet you in a few minutes. You all remember what to do?" Frohike admonished everyone one last time.

"Yes!" Miranda answered for the group.

"Okay, let's move out," Byers ordered everyone. "Miranda, do you have the ring?"

"YES, I HAVE THE RING!" Byers had asked her the question at least once every two minutes. He patted his own pocket, making certain his quarry hadn't escaped.
 

Our entourage took the lead, with Langly and me bringing up the rear.

"Ally, gimme a cigarette," he whispered. He looked as if he was sweating.

"Here." I grabbed into my purse and lit it off the one I was already furiously dragging on.

"Miranda, do you have the ring?" Byers called to my daughter.

"JOHN, IF YOU ASK ME THAT ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA FUCKING SLUG YOU!" She said it so loudly that everyone on the sidewalk stopped to check out the noise source.

The street was full of people on the sidewalks, heading to the Convention Center. I cringed a little. I wondered how many of them were attending the wedding. As I mentioned, crowds tend to freak me a little.

"Is there an Elvis impersonator's convention going on?" I asked Langly, as it came to my attention that there were no less than 20 Elvis look-alikes gracing the sidewalks.

"Oh, damn! And on the same day as I've gotta usher!" Mulder looked rueful, then grinned at us. That man in a tux...he was hot.

"Remember, I walk my mom in," Jason reminded everyone.

"You can have her," Michael shouted back. Michael'd met my mother. He knew.

"She's the last one in," Byers reminded Jason. "Parents last, and she's the only surviving parent."

There are disadvantages to getting married in midlife. One is that you've been through some of the necessary losses. And there's nothing like a wedding to make that fact prominent.

"I miss my daddy," I whispered to Langly. "I wish he was here today."

"He'll be there. Eleanor just didn't have to put him in the head count," Langly assured me, patting me on the shoulder.

"Well, she will save a bundle that way," I chuckled.

"Morris could put it away, could he?"

"Oh, yeah." I felt wistful. Daddy would have loved this. He loved a good party, and this one definitely had...potential, if for no other reason than the size of the guest list.

"Miss my dad, too." Langly looked into the sun, and blinked. "Right now...I could kinda use him."

"Hey, wicked stepfather," Miranda slunk back and joined us. "How you holding up?"

"I'm okay."

"You look like you died."

"Miranda, please," I hissed, but she took her arm and wrapped it around Langly's waist-something I'd never seen her do.

He returned the gesture.

"Guess if I gotta have a wicked stepfather, you'd be a good choice," she said, matter-of-factly.

"Thanks." He gave her shoulders a squeeze, and I noticed he relaxed a little.

"We're here. Stub the cigarettes back there," Byers called. "Okay. Eleanor says that the ushers will stand near the exit of the bar and escort people into the...sanctuary, I guess for lack of a better term."

We entered into the Convention Center. The room we'd been given to get changed in was off the bar in the far corner, and we watched the crowd form as the bartender indicated he was open for business. And I noticed that the crowd had a large contingent of...

Elvis impersonators.

"Oh, God," I turned to Langly. "They're ours."

"Well, we did meet a lot of 'em in Vegas. Guess they wanted to keep the spirit alive." He shrugged.

"You wouldn't let me wear my costume!" Mulder sulked as he signed his lament to Dana.

"Mulder..." she signed and verbalized simultaneously. "Get your ass in gear and quit whining."

"But my costume is way better than a lot of those!" He was sounding like a five-year-old who'd been denied a treat.

"Mulder, shut up!" Dana's voice was quiet, but forceful. "I could still do that proctological on you, you know!"

"Ooh, promises, promises," he smiled teasingly.

"And my mom bitched about my earring," Jason lamented.

"C'mon, guys. As soon as people have their drinks, start seating them," Byers instructed. Thank God for this man. He kissed Juliet gently on the lips. "See you out there, okay?"

"Yes, you will," she grinned devilishly at him. "You'd better hurry, John Byers, before I rip that tux off you right here and now."

Byers blushed, but smiled a little. "C'mon, Langly." He put an arm around Langly's back.

Before leaving, Langly turned quickly to me. "Remember the first time we kissed? I mean, really kissed?"

"It was at a wedding," I smiled at him. "Dana and Mulder's."

"Hmm. One for luck?" He looked at me eagerly.

"No problem." I stood on my tiptoes, and gave him a long, longing kiss.

We got our first applause of the day.

END OF PART 85