Rating: PG

Summary: Hanukkah is the festival of lights...and shopping. And a conversation between Byers and Frohike, with the little snot eavesdropping.

Spoilers: I suppose Unusual Suspects, but it's so remote, it doesn't count.
 

I should've shopped on the web.

I hate shopping anyway, and had I half a functioning brain, I'd have gone online and let my fingers do the running.

My Doc Martens are very possibly the most comfortable shoes in the universe, and right now, they're killing my feet.

I feel a migraine coming on.

I curse my Jewish heritage as I wait in yet another line. Who the fuck shops on Tuesday nights, anyway? What is it with this eight nights of presents shit?

I leave the mall three and a half hours later with two fat shopping bags, a much thinner wallet, and no patience left.

I am carrying over forty gifts, and I'm not finished. This means I'll have to go out another night after work and do more shopping.

I think next year we'll just celebrate Christmas instead. It's only one day long.

My bundles weigh a ton, and they feel even heavier knowing that there is no present for my mother in there.

I feel like an orphan again.

Fuck.
 

MICHAEL:

I'm stuck in the tutoring center until nearly 7. I could work all night if I wanted to, but I promised Kelly I'd help her study at the library at 7. I've got five minutes to get there.

It's real cold out, supposed to snow tonight.

I'm real cold, too.

But I promised her.

And I want to see her. If I see her tonight and I die, I die happy.

I'm not dying. It just feels that way.

But I've only got a week and a half and finals will be over and then I can sleep until after New Years if I want.

I can do this.

Kelly says she'll meet me in the science stacks, so I look until I find them. I need to go here anyway; I've gotta do a paper critique for astronomy, so I guess it's good I learn where it is.

She's got one of the study carrels that holds two people, and I sit down next to her.

And she's such a sweetie. She brought me a coffee. Which I need if I'm going to be any use tonight.

Bio first. Not one of my better subjects, but she knows the stuff cold, at least from the answer key. Chem's easier for me, and even easier for her.

She's gonna ace all this stuff. I can tell.

We finish about nine, and she offers to drop me off at home. It's out of her way, and I tell her she doesn't have to, but she insists, and I'm glad, because I really do feel like shit.

Hope her car has heat.
 

I was going to ask her if she wanted to come in, but I see that Dad's car is there. I don't need any hassling from Dad tonight. I'm tired and I hurt and I just want to go to bed so I can deal with tomorrow.

Dad asks me why I'm so late, I tell him I'm studying. He says don't overdo it. Then he asks me if I'm okay. I tell him I'm fine, I'm going to bed. He says to come over there, where he's sitting.

I escape to the bathroom and then to my room. While I'm in the bathroom, I grab the fever thermometer and let it work. 100.2.   I don't think I need Dad to get too close, or he's never gonna let me out of the house tomorrow.

I'm so tired, I'm asleep almost as soon as I hit the pillows.
 

November 29, 2000

The alarm goes off.

I don't want to move.

But I have to.

It's almost over. And I promised I'd work late tonight at the center. I don't usually do this on Wednesdays, but it's the week before finals and everybody's panicking.

I'm not panicking. I'm mostly just trying to stay awake.

I'm ready to get out the door when my dad sticks his head out of his room. This spares me the view of whatever jammies he's wearing right now.

"You sure you're all right?"

"I'm fine. See ya tonight."

"Michael-"

"I said I'm okay. Bye already." I lock the door behind me.

Problem is, I don't feel okay.

But Dad doesn't need to know that right now.
 

ALLY:

November 29, 2000

I think I'm done shopping. I may not be finished, but as far as I'm concerned, I'm done.

I take the gifts out to the office to wrap them. Only Byers is there right now. Frohike was there, but took off a little while ago; he wants to be there when Michael gets home. Langly's not back from the day job yet. I do his packages first. I barely finish the last one when he comes strolling in, carrying beers for Byers and me as well as for himself. He may not be trainable, but he is fundamentally sweet.

He hands me the beer first, and then pulls me up off my feet so that I'm almost eye to eye with him, swings me around and kisses me hard.

"You must know I bought presents for you," I tease him.

"Mmm. Maybe then I'll have to kiss you again." He's making me giggle.

"You bought my presents yet?"

"It's almost a month till Christmas."

"2 nights till Hanukkah."

"Oh, fuck. I forgot." He sets me down. "Byers, I gotta go do some shopping, okay?"

Byers gets up, straightens his tie and smooths his jacket. "Mind if I come along? I need to start shopping myself."

Langly shrugs, motions him to come along, and plants another kiss on my mouth. "Back in an hour, okay?"

One of the luxuries of being male is that you don't holiday shop for nearly as many people.

Could I arrange for that next year?

Just for the holiday shopping season, of course.
 

I walk back into the house as they're preparing to leave-taking my car, of course, and I can hear them talking.

Byers is asking, "So Langly? How did you know it was right? You and Ally?"

I hear Langly say something to the effect, "Beats me. I just did." I would have loved to have eavesdropped on the rest of the conversation, but they sped off.

Joke's on them. There's almost no gas in my car.

I giggle.
 

MICHAEL:

I don't leave the tutoring center until 8, and I could have worked until 11, when it closes, but I'd had it. I'd had classes all day and then steady customers until the moment I said, enough, I'm outta here.

I hope my dad's not home, because he's probably gonna give me shit for working so late.

And he'd be right.

I feel like hell, but I've only got till next Thursday and my finals are over. One more week after tonight.

I can do one more week.

The bus takes forever to get home. I'm so dead when it hits my stop that the walk to our apartment, which is only a block, takes about a year.

And Dad's home early. Again.

Then I see the prof's car. Wonder what the prof is doing here.

At least Dad might not rag on me so much if he's got company.

It's almost 9:30. Imagine. Being 24 years old and worried that your dad is gonna give you hell because you were out till 9:30. And working at that.

I stick my keys in the door, and my dad and the prof are at the kitchen table, talking, but when he sees me, Dad of course has to get all over me.

"What are you doing out so late?" In his best father tone.

"Working. Don't worry, I'm going to bed. Hi," I wave at the prof. He nods back.

"Michael, come over here." Great.

And I think I've got a fever again, and he's gonna be all over me.

He better not touch me.

Too late. He's already got the backs of his hands on my face.

I'm screwed.

He shakes his head at me. "Michael, running yourself into the ground isn't going to help you."

"Look, it's one more week and then it's over. Okay?"

"No, it's not okay." He looks real aggravated, but then he pats me on the shoulder and tells me to get my sorry butt to bed right now.

Which I was gonna do anyway.

First I hit the shower, crank up the hot water. I don't ache as much when it's done.

I've gotta do some laundry. I'm on my last pair of clean sweats. I seem to be in them a lot lately.

I pull the blankets up over me. God, I love having a waterbed. It's real warm in here, and I'm so fucking cold and tired.

I can hear Dad and the prof talking. I hear Dad complaining that I'm not taking care of myself. Then he asks Byers what's going on, what brings him over.

"Well...I need...to talk about...well, Juliet and me." I can't see the prof, but I can see him blush anyway. I am so glad I'm not a redhead. Every time something upset me or embarrassed me or pissed me off, I'd be all red, and I'd be red all the time if that happened.

"All right. So talk." Dad doesn't waste a lot of time on preliminaries. Not his style.

"Well..." Takes the prof a long time to get to the point. Must be all those years in academia. "I'm thinking about asking Juliet to move in with me."

"Did you discuss this with her yet?"

"We've talked about it...we haven't made any decisions yet."

"What does Juliet say?"

"She says she thinks it would be a good idea."

"Sounds like you're the one who hasn't made a decision." Leave it to Dad to cut to the chase. Particularly if he's had as much J&B as I think he has.

"I...guess I haven't." The prof HAS to be blushing again.

"So what do you want to do?"

"I...I want to be with her. I know I care about her. I don't want to lose her."

"Well, it's nice to see that you've come to some sort of realization. What would it take not to lose her?"

"She really wants to get married. I know she does."

"And you?"

"I do...but not yet. I rushed into the last one. I'm not going to do that again."

"You regret your time with Susanne?"

"No. I don't. None of it."

"Okay, so what's the problem?"

"I often wonder...if Susanne hadn't...died, what would have become of us."

"Hard to say."

"I'm not from a family that shows affection. It's hard for me to do that."

"Katherine seems to be affectionate."

"Kat...is Kat. She just always cared about people and she was never afraid to show it."

"So why are you?"

"I don't know."

"Are you afraid of getting your heart broken again?"

"Maybe."

"Are you afraid it won't work out between you two?"

"Maybe."

"Are you afraid that you don't deserve her?"

"I...I don't know."

"Are you afraid she won't love you enough?"

"Maybe."

"Are you afraid you won't love her enough?"

"Yeeessss."

There's a patch of silence there. Dad's probably pouring more Scotch. I hear some footsteps, then the chair scrape again.

"What do you want out of life?"   It's Dad again.

"I...I'm not sure."

"How old are you now?"

"37. Last week, remember?"

"Yes."

"So...are you saying I'm getting too old for this?" I hear the prof try to laugh, but it doesn't happen. And apparently it's lost on Dad, too.

"I'm saying you're not as young as you used to be."

"I guess I'm not."

"So what's it going to be, Byers? What is it that you want?"

"I...want some security."

"Okay. You want security. How do you plan to go about getting it?"

"I...I guess...I always figured that I'd be married by now. Have a family, that sort of thing."

"Is that what you want?"

"I think so. I know I do. But I'm afraid."

"What are you so afraid of?"

"That I'd be really terrible as a husband and father."

"You want kids?"

"Yes, I do."

"You don't get guarantees with them. You just do your best. You're always making it up as you go. I'm still making it up as I go."

Really. And here I thought he knew what he was doing.

"I know. But...I'm afraid I would treat them as I was treated. And I can't stand the thought of that."

"Byers, for what it's worth, I think you'd do fine with your own kids. Look, even Langly's gotten used to the idea of parenting, and he's doing all right with it."

"He's still pretty baffled by the whole thing."

"He's been hurled into the wonderful world of teenagers with no warmup time. But he's coping. Byers, I didn't see Michael for 17 years. I still have no idea half the time what I'm doing. But I'm trying as best I can. And if I could have been with him while he was growing up, I would have been there, no matter what happened between his mother and me. I don't know what Michael needs. I just do the best I can."

I can feel my eyes stinging. He thinks this?

He's nuts.

He drives me insane, but he's the best dad in the world.

And he gives me what I need.

I was without a dad for too long. If he's gotta make up for lost time now, at least he's doing it.

"I need to do this right, Frohike."

"I hardly worry about that with you. Looking back, I'm glad you met and married Susanne. I'm sorry for the way it turned out. Truly I am. But it's nice to think you could just go on instinct and not debate an issue to death and then end up doing nothing about it."

"I just...I do want to move in with Juliet. I want to be with her. And I think someday I'd like to marry her. I'm just not ready to take the final plunge."

"So don't take it yet. Are you comfortable with the idea of moving in together?"

"I think so."

"So do it. Byers, I've made too many mistakes. One of my worst ones was that I waited too long. I was in love with someone, and I let it go. And by the time I got to the point where I could pursue it, it was too late. She was gone."

"Dee."

"Yes."

Who the fuck is Dee?

I'm gonna have to ask him that one.

Then again, knowing my dad, he won't want to talk about it.

"I wish in some ways I was more like Langly. He just knew Ally was the one, and he went for it."

"Langly isn't you. He's a different cat altogether. He reacts to things differently. You can't compare yourself to him in that regard."

"I don't understand myself. When I first saw Juliet in Vegas, it was like, yes, I've found her. And to my amazement, she was receptive. And now that I have her..."

"Quit feeling as if you don't deserve some happiness, Byers."

"Maybe I don't."

"Bullshit. There's enough misery to go around out there. We all take whatever happiness we can get, in whatever form we can get it. One last thing, Byers: Do you love her?"

"Yes." I can barely hear the response.

I need some Tylenols big time. I get up and try to walk to the bathroom as quietly as I can.

Byers looks like he's ready to go. My dad gives him a quick hug, tells him not to worry so much.

This is rich, coming from my dad.

Telling somebody not to worry so much.

Dad worries for everybody.

Maybe it's not good that he does that, but I don't worry when I'm asleep and he's nearby.

END OF PART 19