Rating: PG

Summary: Romance...it's so damn complicated.

Spoilers: Nah.
 

And what's really embarrassing is, Kelly has to pay the pizza guy because I was too stupid to go to the ATM.

Not that it's all that easy to go when you have the SS watching over you.

So we've got our pizza, Kelly gives the guy a huge tip because it's New Year's Eve and she knows what it's like to work for tips. Fortunately, he could care less about our little drama.

You probably see a lot delivering pizzas.

Talk about lousy timing.

My head is still spinning. I think she said she wanted to kiss me.

So why doesn't she? What the hell is her problem?

Maybe I didn't hear her right.

On the other hand, we're both famished, and the pizza keeps the psychodrama from escalating. We're just munching away in silence, and finally, I'm tired of waiting for her to say something.

"Did I hear you right?" I ask her.

She's blushing. "About what?"

"That you said you wanted to kiss me."

Now she's really blushing. I have no idea why. This is a kid who's probably witnessed Mom in action, and she's blushing because she thinks she wants to kiss me???

This is very strange.

"Yeah, I do."

"So why don't you?"

"Why don't you?" She's put me to a challenge.

Oh God, I'd like to rise to that one.

So what the hell is wrong with me that I don't?

I want to kiss this girl in the worst way in hell. Actually, I'd like to do a lot more than kiss her...

Maybe that's the problem?

"So Kelly? Is it my breath?" I try a lame attempt at humor.

She looks at me like, don't be stupid.

She shakes her pretty hair. Real straight hair. I like it, though. She either wears it straight down with a barrette in it on the side or in a ponytail. She looks cute either way.

And she's got really pretty blue eyes. They're like an ocean blue. You can't see the bottom.

And freckles. Not many, just a few real faint ones on the bridge of her nose.

I've never been this close up to her before. Not for more than a couple seconds, anyway.

"Michael, if I kiss you, I'm going to want to do a lot more than kiss you, you know that."

She is so red right now.

I decide to go for stupid. "Like what do you mean?"

Now she can't even look at me. "Like...I'm afraid I'd start kissing you and I couldn't stop. And then we'd end up in bed, and-"

"And this is a bad thing?!"

"And it would be such a mess."

"Why?!"

"Because. You've seen what it's done for my mom."

"You're not your mom!" I almost scream 'you idiot,' but this usually doesn't work when you're trying to get a girl to see it your way.

"I could be."

"Oh, God." This is unbelievable. "No, you couldn't!"

"So what do you want to do, Michael?"

"What do I want to do? What do I want to do? You want the real answer to that, Kelly?"

"Yes." I can barely hear her.

"Right now? I'd like to shake some sense into your head and make you see that you're not your mom! Or your sister!"

"And?"

"And then I'd kiss you."

"You would?"

"Jesus, Kelly, didn't you hear anything I said?"

"I heard you." She's mumbling now.

"So look at me, not the carpet. The carpet's pretty sucky, anyway."

She looks up. She looks scared.

"I'm not used to feeling like this."

"And you think I am?"

"Well, I mean, you're 24, you've probably got a lot-"

"Kelly, I'm not totally without history, but let's face it, I'm a geek! Conquesting's not a hobby of mine."

"You're not a geek."

"What would you call it?"

"I think you're nice," she says, real softly. "And you take me seriously, and you don't tell me I can't do things, and you don't push on me to do things I'm not ready for."

"What aren't you ready for?"

"Michael...I really want to be with you. I do. But I'm not ready to go to bed with you."

I do not believe this. "Did you think I was trying to make you?"

"No."

"So what's the problem?"

"Well...I just figured...I know you like I know you now. And I'd like to have, you know, more. But I need to go slow. I need to keep my head straight if I know what's going to happen."

"You don't ever know what's going to happen."

"I have to."

"Well, you can't."

"But I have to have a plan."

"Kelly, you always gotta have a plan."

"I know. I'm kind of compulsive that way." She's looking at me, pleading. "I hate surprises, Michael. They're usually bad."

"Sometimes they're good."

"Name one."

I think. "Well, there was when my dad came up to Newark and saw me. That was like last year, and I was sort of freaked out, but then I got kicked out of my apartment, and I had nowhere else to go, and I had no plans, so I came here, and it's not so bad. I mean, not everything's great, that's for sure. But it was a big surprise, and it turned out to be one of the best things that happened for me."

She doesn't look convinced. But she's curious.

"You and your dad lived away from each other?"

"I didn't see my dad for 17 years, Kelly."

"Wow. What happened?"

"My folks got divorced. My dad went to prison. My mom didn't let him see us. That's how come. And you know what the worst part is? My mom lied and said he didn't want to see us. And I'm never gonna forgive her for that. I just wrote him off. I figured I was never gonna see him ever. But he came and found me. And I got to admit, I wasn't real happy to see him at first. I was real pissed. I thought it was real nervy of him. Now I think it was real nervy of him, but in a different way."

"Must've taken him a lot."

"Think it did. But he's saved my ass."

"You're lucky. You have a good dad."

"Yeah, I do. And yeah, he's weird and paranoid and sometimes he's real obnoxious, but he's decent. And I'd be decent to you.

"I mean, Kel, you don't have to jump in bed with me just because we admit we've both got feelings for one another. Maybe we shouldn't."

Oh Jesus. Was that me who just said that?

"So what do we do?" She looks puzzled.

Is she looking for me to direct this one?

This is not a role I'm used to. I do pretty good in passive.

Taking charge of stuff, that's not my forte.

And does she really want this? For me to tell her where it's at?

I have no idea.

Do I kiss her? Don't I? Do we just forget we had this conversation? Should I send her home, pop in one of Dad's collectibles, and get totally wasted on beer and Vicodin?

That would certainly be easier. For me, anyway.

She's looking at me in a way I've never seen her do before.

It dawns on me that this girl is as big a mass of insecurity as I am. I'm so used to seeing Kelly be capable and determined and tough. Seeing her like this is totally disorienting.

I need a plan, to borrow a Kelly line.

"Tell you what, Kel. At midnight, if you still want me to kiss you, I'll kiss you. If you don't, it's cool."

Maybe this will give her some time to pull her brain in order.

She looks at me as if she wasn't quite sure what I said.

"You're serious," she says.

"As a heart attack," and then I wince when I think about my dad last year.

"You're on."

Oh God. I hope she doesn't change her mind before midnight.
 

It's a strange three hours that happens. We don't say a lot, just a little about the courses we're gonna take next semester, and I show her how to play backgammon, which she picks up pretty quick. I still beat her, but not by
much.

It's 11:55.

I need to make some kind of decision here.

I know I told her that if she wanted to kiss me, she could tell me and I'd kiss her.

But I want to kiss her.

So what do I do?

She has no idea how much I've been dying tonight, just to slip my arm over her shoulder and pull her next to me. Just hold her.

Try to make her sure of things.

11:57. Three minutes to go.

Oh God. I hope she hasn't changed her mind.

What would she do if I...

No. We had a deal. Midnight.

And I plan to keep my end of the bargain.

It's pretty fucking hard.

11:58. Two minutes.

She hasn't said a word.

My stomach is in huge knots.

11:59. She turns and looks at me. I can't read her expression.

Fuck it. I want to kiss her.

I turn to her, and I slip my arms over her back, and I pull her in to me.

And she doesn't pull back.

Her eyes are all shiny.

3...2...1...

I only have to bend down a tiny bit to reach her mouth; she's only three inches shorter than me.

I can feel her put her arms around my waist...she's not pulling back.

Her mouth is so soft...oh God...I think everything just stopped...

Oh. My. God.

Everything just went all soft and warm and fuzzy. I want it to be midnight forever.

She's even warmer and softer than I imagined, and believe me, I can imagine a lot.

I have no idea how long we kissed for. A minute? An hour? Is it 2002 already?

Finally we break it for a moment, but she keeps holding me, and me her.

She's smiling and her cheeks are pink.

I have never seen her look this happy.

But then she really freaks me by what she says next.

"I was hoping you'd do that."

I have just slid down the rabbit hole into the maddening world of women.

I don't ever want to come back.
 

We end up sitting back on the sofa and turning on the MST3K New Year's blowout. She sits next to me and I put my arm around her shoulder, and she rests her head on mine.

I could die in this position and die happy.

As soon as we sit down, I realize that I feel pretty close to dead. At least in dead tired. I can't remember the last time I stayed up this late...it seems like I was sick for so long and I'd be in bed at some hour that no respectable nine-year-old would tolerate...

And I'm so comfortable here...
 

I feel somebody shake me awake and call my name, but it's not Kelly.

It's Dad.

Kelly also wakes up with a start when Dad shakes me awake.

"What time is it?" I ask my dad.

"3:45."

"Oh, wow," Kelly stands up, she's still mostly asleep and she's still wobbly. "I have to go."

"No." I think he's holding up his hand to her-I can't tell and my eyes are stinging...

SHIT! Second day I've had my lenses and I've already fucked it up.

"No," he tells her. "It's too late, too many intoxicated drivers out there. Michael, get her some blankets and a pillow."

I forget I still get dizzy when I stand up real fast, and I almost fall back down on the floor when I try to.

I am so fucking pathetic, it's not even entertaining.
 

Dad and I get the sofa made up for Kelly, and I want to kiss her goodnight, like we kissed before, but when he's not looking, I just bend down real fast and give her a quick one on the forehead.

Now to figure out how to get my lenses out.

When you get contacts, you get about a thousand or so bottles of solutions to use. I haven't totally figured out which ones go where at this point, but I know the saline is general purpose stuff, so about half a bottle and fifteen minutes later, I have them out.

I've got a new pair of glasses, but they're in my room, so I have to get to my room before I can see again.

I come out of the bathroom-take that one, Dad, I got there first-and I see he's in his room and the lights are still on. He's got the jacket and the tie off.

I ask him if he had a good New Year's.

"It was delightful. Jo and I both had a marvelous time."

"Cool. I'm tired. I'm gonna go to bed."

"Michael." Very softly, but the tone stops me for a moment.

"Yeah?"

"We'll talk tomorrow. Happy New Year."

I can guess what this one is about.
 

January 1, 2001

I wake up and Dad's still asleep. I remember Kelly's on the sofa.

She's still asleep, her fist in her mouth. She looks so innocent and perfect.

I don't want to scare her.

But I'm dying to kiss her again.

And I'm confused as hell now.

What are we now?

Last night, before 8 o'clock, we were buds. We ordered a pizza.

Then Kelly tells me she likes me better than as a friend.

And so now what does that make me?

Am I still her friend?

God, I hope so.

But what else am I?

Am I a boyfriend? And does this mean I'm exclusively hers, or is she just mine, or what?

What does she want from me?

What do I want from her?

I want everything from her.

That doesn't mean I have to have it this minute.

But how do we pace this out? What happens now? Are we just going to limit ourselves to kissing and cuddling? And where? In private? In public? Do we tell the world? Do we tell anyone? And what the hell do we tell them?

And this girl is so needy. She's got so much schooling ahead of her, so many years of training...she's gotta be so focused.

Can I give that to her? What do I need? Is what she can give me enough?

And I was wrong about one thing. I always figured Kelly to be so strong. And in a lot of ways she is. She's tough and focused and she knows what she wants.

Or does she?

She's totally cool when it comes to planning out her career. But I discovered last night that there was someone in the world who has, if possible, even more insecurities than I do. When it comes to what she feels, Kelly's a mess. Just like me.

God help us.

What is it I love about her?

Well, obviously, I think she's the cutest thing on the planet. She's the perfect size for me. And she's smart. And she works so hard. And she's tough. She can put up with a lot of misery.

She'll need that for being with me.

And she likes and respects me. I've had so few people like and respect me. It's almost like it's not real. She talks to me like I don't suck. When I have an idea about something, she actually listens.

I'm so fucking scared.

I'm betting so hard on this girl...what would I do if she decided I wasn't good enough for her anymore?

I think it would kill me.

I've got to give her what she needs.

Here I have trouble getting myself what I need. How am I supposed to give it to her?

I stare at her. She looks untroubled for the moment. She always looks so serious when she's awake. I like that she's serious. I like that she's a really intelligent girl. Her ambition is a little intimidating, but I know she needs it to get herself where she wants to go.

She knows what she wants from the world.

I don't know if she knows what she wants from me.

Here I thought if I kissed her, there'd be some resolution.

I must've been out of my mind. All I have are questions, questions, questions. And no answers.

But would I have not kissed her?

No fucking way.

She's awake now.

Fuck it. I'm going to kiss her again.

END OF PART 36