LOYALTY AND SEDITION by TM
Part 37

Rating: PG

Summary: The milk and crackers are for giz...she considers them comfort food. Whatever. This is the first in a series of several milk and crackers discussions.

Spoilers: Nope.
 

I sit down next to her, and I smile at her.

"Hey, you didn't have your glasses on last night," she yawns at me.

"I got contacts. I had 'em in last night. I almost didn't get 'em out."

"Guess you shouldn't fall asleep with them in. Your eyes don't get any oxygen when you're asleep."

"So that's why."

"That's why." She smiles at me.

"So whaddya think?"

"Of what?"

"I mean, the lenses!"

"I like you in them. You've got such nice eyes. They really are green. But the glasses are cool, too."

"So you don't think I wasted my dad's money."

"Not at all." She sits up. Her hair's sort of going everywhere. It's real flossy, no wonder she always feels like she's got to tame it with a barrette.

She looks beautiful.

"You sleep okay?" I ask her.

"Oh, yeah. It's so quiet here. I'm not used to sleeping in such a quiet place. It's nice."

"Sofa's pretty comfortable. I oughta know. I spend enough time here lately."

"Yeah, it is. I love this blanket." She's got the red fuzzy blanket I stole from Ally and Langly about a hundred years ago.

"Not mine. It lives normally at Chateau Langly. Someday I have to give it back."

"I don't think I could give it up so easy." She wraps it around her. Dad doesn't keep the apartment very warm at night. "I have to go soon. I've got a lot of reading to do before tomorrow. Dr. Shalad gave me some books and papers to read, and I haven't gotten through all of them. I just hope Troy's not there, so I can have a little peace and quiet and not have the damn talk shows blaring behind me and him making digs about my being a snot. It's gonna be really hard, Michael. As of today I don't work at my mom's anymore, and she's real unhappy about it. She's already talking about my coming in when I'm not in the lab. And I can't do that, but she just
doesn't listen. I need the study time. During school it's not so bad. I just stay at the library till closing, and now I can use the GU library, which is going to be awesome. But the library's closed till Sunday afternoon, and I have to study at home, and it's really hard."

"Maybe you could get your stuff and bring it back over here."

She shakes her head. "I'm not sure why, Michael, but I think your dad was not very happy to see us like we were last night. I think I'd better lay low today."

"We weren't doing anything. We fell asleep watching MST3K."

"I know. But he seemed kind of upset."

She noticed that, too.

"I wanted to tell him I thought he looked really great in a tux."

No accounting for taste, I suppose.

"And weren't you in Langly's wedding? I want to see what you looked like in
one."

"In Dad's room. And it's dangerous to wake the bear."

She laughs a little. "Tell me about it. Waking up my mom with a hangover, now that's a scary experience." Then she looks bummed and angry. "And one I'll most likely have today."

"Sorry."

"Not your fault. I just wish I could move out, that's all. But I don't have any money, and even with a roommate, places are so expensive around here, and I'd worry about my mom."

"You can't baby-sit her forever, you know."

"I know. But I worry about her."

"Isn't she supposed to be the grownup?"

"Only in theory. I've always taken care of her. And you know what, Michael? I'm sick of taking care of everybody else and nobody ever takes care of me."

"I will."

She looks at me like she doesn't quite believe it.

"Really." I put my arms around her again and pull her into me, and we're just about to kiss again, and...

The bear has awakened.

As always, his timing is impeccable. (Another word I learned from Casey. And now I can use it, too).

And he's got the blue bunny pajamas on.

Oh FUCK!

He's looking dead at us. "Am I interrupting something here?"

We pull apart fast. "No, no. Kelly was just getting ready to go home."

Kelly jumps off the sofa-girl has reflexes. "Yes, I was." She shakes her hair over her face, I think because she's blushing and she doesn't want me or my dad to see.

Then she pulls it back in a gesture I find inexplicably seductive, and puts her clip back in it. It's a little silver butterfly. Perfect for her.

I tell Dad I'm just gonna walk Kelly down to her car.
 

"Thanks," she says, as she's getting ready to unlock her beast of burden.

"You too," I say. I hug her, and we kiss again.

Oh man. This is just too incredible. I feel my kneecaps start to melt.

"Call me later?" she asks.

"Uh-huh. Sure." And I will.

"Uh...Michael, there's something I need to ask you." She looks real embarrassed.

Oh fuck.

"Go ahead."

"Uh...your dad. Were those really blue bunnies on his jammies?"
 

"We need to talk," Dad announces as I come back inside. "And what the hell were you doing outside with no jacket and no shoes? It's 28 degrees out there."

"I was only gone for a couple minutes."

"More like fifteen. And what kind of display were you putting on for the neighbors?"

"Dad, you don't care about the neighbors, and they're all hung over, anyway."

"Hardly the point." He's at the kitchen table, drinking coffee and eating something that looks like cereal, but I soon realize it's Premium saltines with milk over them, all crumbled up...

Just like we used to eat together when I was little and I had an upset stomach.

I think somebody had too much champagne last night.

He's in such a lovely mood this morning.

I suddenly develop this urge for crunched up crackers and milk. I go over and dig myself out a bowl-we really need to do dishes soon-start crumbling them up, and pour myself some milk over them.

Comfort food. He's not the only one that needs it right now.

He's not smiling.

"So you guys have a good time last night?" I ask him, trying to ease the tension.

"We did. It was wonderful. We plan to do it again next year."

"Jo looked real good."

"She is a lovely woman. Even if our relationship is platonic, I can still appreciate her in that fashion. But we're not here to talk about my relationship, dear boy. I think yours is the subject here." He munches down a few more spoonfuls of crackers and milk.

"What about it?" I find my hackles raising up.

He puts down his spoon, sips more coffee, and doesn't say anything for a while.

"Why don't you like her?" I ask him.

"I don't dislike her."

"Not a very strong endorsement there."

"Michael, I'm worried. About both of you."

"Dad, we aren't doing anything!"

"I assume you are referring to the horizontal tango. That may be the case, dear boy, but that doesn't mean nothing is going on. And don't tell me there isn't. It's all over you. You're in love with the girl."

"I like her a lot. So what?"

"And she seems to like you. And that's what worries me."

"Why?"

"For one thing, she's terribly young. You both are."

"Well, you were once."

"Yes, I was." He looks real bummed now. "I was a lot like you, you know."

This is not what I need to hear right now. I take a spoonful of milk and crackers.

"I met Janet-your mother-after I came back from 'Nam. All I wanted was a normal life at that point. And I loved her. Truly, I did. But what I didn't see was how angry she was, and how much she needed me, and how I couldn't give her what she needed. I think that's obvious now."

"Yeah, so? It didn't work out for you and Mom. Does that mean it's not going to work out for me ever? Are you gonna condemn me to your life?"

"You're not listening, Michael. Pay attention. For once."

This conversation is making my stomach hurt. I down some more milk and crackers, maybe it'll calm it.

"I'm saying, I don't think you've thought this out. And this is going to be a hard one, Michael."

"What are you talking about?" I'm getting really pissed at his presumptuousness. (Another great Casey word).

"Michael, you want it all from this girl. It's all over your face. Can she give it to you?"

"I dunno."

"No, you don't know. That's the problem. I know you admire her drive, and believe me, I do, too. I think she'll do well for herself. But the question is, will she do well for you?"

"Guess I don't know unless I try it."

"She wants to be a physician. I don't doubt that she's capable, at least in the academic sense. But emotionally, she needs a lot more development if she's going to get anywhere near compassionate. Kelly's been sucked dry by everyone around her. Her interior life is dead and buried, from all indications."

"I don't think that's true. She cares a lot about her family. And me."

"As much as she's capable of, yes. She is so angry, though. Don't you see that?"

"Yeah, when she's near her family, when she talks about them, yeah." And I don't like that part of her.

"Michael. I'm sorry, you're not a low maintenance guy. I think you need more emotional sustenance than she's capable of giving you. That's what I'm worried about."

"Doesn't sound like you are, either," I shoot back at him.

"No, I'm not, and I never let any of the women I cared about know it. I just swallowed it up, kept it down, never worried about what I needed. It's no wonder things didn't work out."

"So why do you think I'm gonna do the same thing?"

"Because I see it happening."

"How do you know what's happening? I mean, really, Dad. How much experience do you have here? I mean, you paint yourself like you know it all-"

"I only know what I've gone through. And for somebody who came of age in the era of free love...I'm pretty inexperienced. There was your mother, of course. And Dee." I think I see him blink back a tear on that one. "A
couple others, very short-lived. That's all."

Okay, well, that explains the video collection.

"I can't just have...casual affairs. I never could. I guess it's that Catholic upbringing getting in the way." He's staring off into space now.

He's finished his milk and crackers.

I have a few spoonfuls left.

"Did you know that your mother and I waited until our wedding night?"

"You're kidding."

He shakes his head. "No."

"You're jiving me. You were a virgin on your wedding night?!"

"I didn't say that. I simply said that with your mother, it didn't happen until the wedding night."

Well, he was in 'Nam. He may have had some cash and carry sex over there, but he's probably not gonna tell me this.

"I'm sorry, Dad, but I have no idea what you're trying to tell me here."

Give me a break. I'm confused enough already.

"I'm telling you to think carefully about this girl, if she's what you really want. This is a high-priced relationship, Michael. For both of you."

"I'm just curious, Dad. Did you have this discussion with Langly when he started up with Ally?"

He looks at me like I've gone totally off the point, which maybe I have.

"No, I didn't. Ally is a mature woman. If she found Langly acceptable, I trusted her judgment."

"So you're saying now you don't trust Kelly's. Or mine."

"Michael, pay attention, for Christ's sake! Ally is well over 40 years old, been married previously, been a mother, had professional careers. Langly is 37, although at times I find that fact a little hard to believe, particularly when he walks in with straws in his nose, but he's got the advantages that only age and experience confer. I met him when he was almost 26, and believe me, I wouldn't have voted him the same confidence at
that age."

"So what am I supposed to do? Wait till I'm 35 or something?"

"I did NOT say that! Michael, you're not listening, you never do."

"Hey, all I've done lately is listen to you! I never even leave the house practically because I listen to you!"

"And you are better now, aren't you?"

"Well, yeah." I will grudgingly concede this one point.

"So I'm not always wrong."

"Yeah, but you're not always right, either! You said so yourself about Dee-"

"Michael, please. Dee is a very difficult subject for me. And I think I've confessed where I went wrong there."

"And what about with Mom? Not exactly a killer success story there, either, is it?"

He looks like I've slapped him. Maybe I have.

Good. He needs a wakeup call every now and then. Particularly when he gets off being so fucking self-righteous.

"Why do you think just because YOU screwed up, I'm gonna make all the same mistakes? Huh? Is that all you see me as? A screw-up? I've been busting my ass to not be one and all you-"

"Michael. I don't think you're a screw-up."

"You've got a mighty weird way of showing it!"

"Michael, I'm worried about you."

"Yeah, all you do is worry about me! Don't I ever do anything right? Can't you just be proud of me for once?"

"I am."

"Then what is this shit all about?!"

"Michael, watch your mouth."

"Like you always do."

"I don't, but I'd like for people to see you for what you really are, which, by the way, I think is a fundamentally decent human being with a good heart and a gentle soul, instead of being the smart-ass you pass yourself off as!"

This shocks me pretty good.

I take another spoonful. I figure I've got about three spoonfuls left in the bowl.

I have to admit, it does have its stomach-settling properties.

"I'm concerned that Kelly has no idea how emotional you get and how deeply things affect you. And don't tell me you're not like that, dear boy."

Fine. I won't.

"I think you need to make your expectations clear to her from the outset, which, from all appearances, you seemed to have passed that threshold."

"Like what kind of expectations?"

"That you can't do it all for her unless she's going to do for you, too. Michael, there are just so many ugly little details in life that constantly need hammering out, and it takes two people who are motivated and devoted to
one another to get through that. Look at Byers and Juliet. Talk about hammering out details. Just getting them from point A to point B is a challenge. But I think they can do it, because I think both parties have made a decision that they will be committed to one another. Ally and Langly go through the same thing all the time. For them, I think it's more of a power struggle; for Byers and Juliet, more a case of methodology."

"Dad, the only thing I've done is kiss this girl!"

"Uh-huh. And if I've judged you correctly, then that kiss is just the first step down a very long road. I just want you to be aware of the difficulties."

"Name a relationship that doesn't have them."

"They don't exist. That doesn't mean you should ignore them."

"I'm not!"

"Okay, think about this one. You're six years older than this girl. You're talking about very different places in life at this point. So you're 30, she's 24. You decide, I want kids. She's right in the middle of her training. What do you do?"

"I don't think we're quite there yet."

"Think about it, though. Who gives up what? And for how long? And where do you live? What do you do for money?"

"That one's easy. We haven't got any."

"And you won't for a long time, either. It's not a lot of fun. I don't think I have to emphasize that point to you."

No kidding.

"You know, Dad, you're making a hell of a lot out of one kiss, you know."

"No more than you are."

"What makes you think you know what I think?"

He looks sad. "You're my son, that's why."

"Yeah, well, I'm not a carbon copy of you!"

"Yes, but I can tell one thing you inherited."

"Okay, what's that?"

"L'affaires de coeur. Affairs of the heart, for those who are French-challenged."

"Yeah?"

"Frohike men don't take them lightly."

I finish my last spoonful of milk and crackers.

I can't argue his last point.

Dude ALWAYS gets the last word.

END OF PART 37