LOYALTY AND SEDITION by TM
Part 44

Rating: PG

Summary: A birthday present for Kelly...giz is my personal shopper in this one...and a revelation from Langly's niece.

Spoilers: No, don't think so.
 

We finish calc, and start in on her comp project.

I love Kelly, but I'm forced to admit that as a writer...well, she's got even farther to go than me. And her spelling's almost as bad.

I tell her to skip the handwritten stuff, Casey won't take it anyway.

"I don't have a computer," she protests.

"In case you didn't notice, there is like no shortage of silicon-based forms around here," I point out. "And I know Ally'll let you use hers."

"I don't really like to ask her for things. She does a lot for me already."

"Ally lets people use her computer. And even Princess Miranda lets people
use hers."

"You don't like Miranda much, do you?"

"Oh, Miranda's okay. I just think she's a spoiled brat, that's all...but the chick can shop. Speaking of which, are you gonna open your present?"

"I get to open it now?"

"Hell, yes." I've been dying for her to open it, but she wanted to do her math first.

I can't wrap for shit, but at least this time Miranda reminded me to get wrapping paper. And a card.

I'm nervous about this. It took me forever to pick out a card...I hope she likes it.

I got her a Peanuts card. It was cute and sweet and it wasn't overly mushy, but it wasn't smart-assed, either. I didn't want to do smart-assed with Kelly. I get lots of opportunities to do it on everyone else, anyway.

She smiles when she opens the card. It's got Snoopy in surgeon's garb on
the front, and she that makes her happy.

Okay, we got through the card.

She starts peeling open the little package...I don't know what I'll do if she doesn't like it.

Maybe die in a corner somewhere.

She unwraps it carefully, and she looks a little bit baffled, but her face just lights up.

"I've never had anything this pretty. Ever." She leans over and kisses me lightly. "Wow."

"Glad you like it."

"I love it." Then she looks sad.

Oh shit. What did I do now?

"Michael, why is everyone being so nice to me?"

"They're all good people. Even if they are a pain in the ass sometimes."

"I don't understand. I mean, I'm nobody, Michael-"

"That's such bullshit." When she starts talking like this, she really pisses me off.

"No, it's not. Think about it. Ally and Langly let me stay in their home, which they don't have to do-"

"They think they do."

"They don't. Your doctor, who barely even knows me, talks to his wife, who gives me a job. Langly and Byers help me fix my car. Your dad, who I don't think even likes me-"

"What makes you say that?"

"I just don't...I think he knows I'm trailer trash-"

"HEY, ENOUGH!" I really need to cool it here. "It's not like the Frohikes are from anything looking like nobility or something."

"-helps me out, and Juliet, well, she's been terrific. She's been really helping me keep it together, and right now, Michael, I'm having a hard time keeping it together. It's like, I'm so grateful to these people, and I'm sort of ashamed because I keep wondering why, and most of the time, I just feel weird-"

"Hey, they're trying not to make you feel weird. I felt weird when I came here, too. You know?"

"You said you stayed here for a few months. How was it?"

"Well, I was in pretty rough shape...they were really okay to me. I mean, I gave Ally so much shit-I gave Langly a lot of shit, too, but he deserves it, so that's different-"

"I'm just worried. I'm thinking one day they'll wake up and they'll go, that's it, Kelly, you overstayed your welcome, go home."

She's got a shimmer on her eyes. "I can't go back there ever again, Michael."

"What you wanted, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, it was. But I...you know my mom hasn't called me today?"

"She's probably at work." Though I doubt that's the real reason.

"Sometimes she forgets," Kelly says sadly. "A couple years she forgot...when things were really bad for her..."

Probably meaning she was too drunk to function, let alone remember her daughter's birthday.

She's crying a little, and trying hard not to. "I miss my mom."

What?!

"Kelly, if it wasn't for your mom, you wouldn't...things wouldn't have happened to you."

"She's still my mom. I hope someday she'll forgive me."

Forgive her for what?!

"I think you're the one that needs to forgive her. I mean, she's put you through shit, Kel."

"I know. But she's still my mom. And it's my birthday...and I was hoping she'd remember..."

I'm sitting on the edge of her bed, the one that used to be mine, and she sinks on it next to me.

I could kill her mother for this. She treats her daughter like shit, and her daughter's going through this?!

I don't get it.

But I wrap her in my arms and murmur into her hair, which smells really good.

I wish there was something I could do to make her hurt less.

All I can do is hold her until she's done crying.
 

"I'm sorry, I'm such a waste case," she's mad at herself when she finally stops crying. "I don't see why you'd even want to be around me."

"Stop that."

"Why do you want to be around me, Michael?"

"Why? Because I think you're real special. Because you're pretty. And you're smart and I care about you and I want you to be a really good doc and I know you can do it."

She looks at me like she almost doesn't believe it. "You really believe I can do this?"

"Hey, when did you start thinking you couldn't?"

"It's not that...I just...I feel like shit. Juliet says it's normal right now, but I feel like total shit." She flings herself across the bed. "It's hard to focus on my schoolwork, and on my job...I'm so afraid I'm gonna fuck it all up." She's blinking back tears again. "See, here I go again."

"I feel like shit a lot of the time."

"So what do you do about it?"

"Nothing, really. I'm just trying not to be a screw-up."

"Me, too."

"You? Kelly, you're like almost perfect!"

"No, I'm not. Not even close."

"Yeah, pretty close." I take her hand in mine. She's got really pretty hands. Strong ones, too.

"I'm a wreck."

"What's Juliet say?" Since she seems to defer to the resident expert a lot.

"Juliet says, you feel like that for a while. But it passes. As long as you've got people to help you."

"We're all trying to help you. Especially me."

"I know that. It's just..."

"Just what?"

"Michael, we've kissed, right?"

"Yeah." I smile just thinking about it.

"And I think you want to do something more."

"Well, can you blame me?" I'm a little embarrassed, but hey, it's true.

"It's not that...Michael, I'm not ready for that."

"For what?"

"Michael, one of the things I'm really having a hard time with...before that fucker did what he did to me...I was a virgin." She's actually ashamed to reveal this.

I know she said she'd never really been with a guy, but I didn't know this meant in the Biblical sense.

"And it's not like I consider virginity to be something you keep till you're married necessarily...but I'm so angry I could scream. Because when I gave it up, I wanted it to be MY decision and MY choice!"

Kelly's scary when she's mad, not because she's a screamer, but because her voice gets so hard and so cold.

She could freeze a volcano on another planet with that voice.

"And that's been taken from me! And I...every time I think about it, I feel sick!"

I just nod. What the hell do you say here?

"When I did it for the first time, I wanted it to be with somebody I care about...a lot."

"Hey, I don't think this counts, Kel."

"Oh, it counts." Cold, hard voice again. "You know what I have to do this week? I have to go have a bunch of tests to make sure that fucker didn't pass along any STDs to me!" She's almost ready to cry again. I stand up next to her and put my arms around her, and I just draw her into me. I can feel her trembling, feel each sob and each breath. "So it's not like I can
pretend it didn't happen!"

Oh God. I didn't even think of that.

Now I'm real scared. What if this jerk was HIV positive or something?

"At least I got my period yesterday, so I know I'm not pregnant, thank God."

I could have probably lived without that knowledge, but I hadn't even thought about it.

But she had. And it probably scared the living shit out of her.

"I just...Michael, I don't cry like this. I don't feel like this. I'm a mess. And you know what makes it so much worse?"

"What?" Guys have such great responses to these questions.

"I think I'm in love with you."

"I fail to see why that makes it worse." I really do.

"Because! You were the one! I wasn't ready right now, but I was thinking, someday, when we're both ready...I wanted you to be the one. I should be so happy right now, and I'm a basket case!"

"Hey, you know, I can still be the one. Whenever you're ready."

"You're serious."

"I am. 'Cause I think I'm in love with you."

She holds on to me, buries her face in my shoulder. "I just...I can't do that right now...I want to...I want to do a lot of things...and right now...it's like I can barely keep up with my work..."

"Hey, don't cry. It's your birthday. And whenever you want. I'm not gonna push you about it."

"Thank you."

"Can't say I haven't thought about it, though."

"Well, obviously, I have. I just...right now, I can't do that."

"So? Someday you will."

"I hope so."

I'm just cuddling her close, and I sit down and put her in my lap and just snuggle her.

Sooner might be better than later, I think.

But I'll wait.

I love her.

And I still want her to have a happy birthday.
 

She climbs off my lap-she's got to know what she does to me.

Dad better be home late tonight-forget it, it doesn't work.

All I can think about is her.

So I run my thumb over her cheek, and she kisses it when it reaches her mouth-a gesture that just makes things worse.

"Do you still want to take me to dinner?" she asks, kind of shyly.

"Oh, yeah. You ready to eat?"

"I think so."

"Good. I hate girls that pick at their food."

"Okay, then, I guess I'll have to eat you under the table."

It's so good to hear her laugh.
 

We're on our way out, Ally's let me have the car for the day, the deal is I have to bring it back at 7 tomorrow morning.

I've got to go car shopping.

Like when?

It's the week before the presidential inauguration, and I PROMISED TMB some serious labor.

Which is the subject of conversation when we're leaving. Joan, Langly's big sis, and his niece are there, I guess they're staying for dinner.

"'Course, we could follow you to Busty's and spy on you guys," Langly taunts us.

"Do it, and you will die," I promise him.

"You did go to the ATM, didn't you?" Ally says gently.

Oh shit. Knew I forgot something.

Sometimes Ally's neurotic Jewish mother tendencies can be useful.

We're ready to head out the door, and who should follow us out but Langly. He pulls out his wallet and hands me three bills. 20s.

"Just pay me back later, OK?"

I'm really thankful for this, but I say to him, "Don't think this gives you the right to come spy on us."

"Oh, damn!" He's grinning wickedly as he goes back inside.
 

ALLY:

Joan and Julie have joined us for dinner-the J's, Miranda refers to them as, particularly when Jo is with them, which she is not tonight-Joan says she made plans with her friend Cecilia, whom I remember as Frohike's CCU nurse. And vaguely as a guest at our wedding.

She, and our other 571 intimate friends.

I'm still worried about Joan-not only does she look horribly thin, but she's got a bunch of bruises on her arms-and I know Roy's not bashing her around. I made her favorite, roast chicken with wild rice stuffing and twice-baked potatoes-Julie says she eats next to nothing. I'm hoping I can induce her to fatten up a bit.

Langly's sitting on the countertop-normally a behavior I only tolerate in cats-drinking a beer. Joan and Julie have taken over the kitchen table, and I'm at the stove. I really don't like cooking with an audience, but in this lifetime, it bothers me far less than it used to.

"I really don't want to talk about Kneller," Joan tells her baby brother, who's been going on about the incoming administration - and it doesn't sound good, at least from his perspective. And I have to admit I've got some serious reservations here.

Maybe it's my imagination, and I'm being overly sensitive, but I find he and his camp to be very anti-Semitic, and they're not terribly covert in their admissions about it. I've gotten to where I can't read the newspaper because I get so irritated.

I'm seeing a brave new world, all right-of abbreviated civil rights, of control by an oligarchy, of hatred for the religious group to which I belong...

It's never occurred to me not to be Jewish. It's part of who I am.

I need to discuss this with somebody unbiased. I've talked about it with Langly, Byers and Frohike, all of whom feel that, yes, they're very anti-Semitic in sentiment, but that they're unlikely to start targeting us in any kind of fashion that would resemble the undertakings of, say, the Third Reich.

Perhaps belonging to an historically diasporic group, long the target of extreme hatred by nearly every civilized society at one point in time or another, has made me overly paranoid. And there is my own family history. The Third Reich is the very reason I was born in this country in the first place.

My grandfather paid a horrible price to be here. And I will always be grateful to him for it.

Better than to have perished at Auschwitz, which apparently a number of my father's relatives did, or to be worked to death at Bergen-Belsen, which was the fate of many of my mother's people.

I'd really like to discuss this with Mulder. However, this probably isn't going to happen at this point. Dana is having her difficulties-she's not in the hospital, but she's pretty much confined to her bed at home-they've got an active toddler, and one on the way in about a month.

He and I have pretty much the same legacy. Our families ended up on different coasts, but they arrived in similar fashion, were used in similar fashion, and ultimately, suffered in similar fashion.

I once asked him if it ever occurred to him not to think of himself as a Jew. His response was negative. While he did not give much credence to the religion of his birth, he never considered denial of his ethnic heritage. And in fact, he and Dana seem intent on passing both of their childhood religions on to their daughters, at least in a cultural sense.

There's been a lot of ranting in the press about "Jewish media control." This would make me laugh had it not become so insistent, so strident. I still chuckle over "international Jewish conspiracy" but not as much as I used to.

Julie says she has something to tell us tonight, including her mother. We're trying to get her to announce, but she says she'll wait until dinner is over.

Hopefully, she got a job. I know she's been pounding away, trying to get one.

Miranda joins us, and the chicken and potatoes and salad and bread all come out. We're doing the kitchen tonight; we can fit five around our table.

With the exception of Joan, we all stuff ourselves. I know she loves this meal. It tastes like it always does, so I'm puzzled.

Langly notices this as well, and he urges his big sister to eat something-says he's picking up my Jewish motherisms. He tries to get her to tell us what's wrong, but she insists nothing, she just isn't hungry.

Uncle and niece trade a look like, she's such a liar, and a lousy one at that.

We're holding off on dessert-we have birthday cake for Kelly for later, we'll eat then. It's chocolate; maybe we can at least get Joan on dessert.

I'm pouring coffee when Julie finally tells us what's up.

"I'm going to work for Dad," she announces.

I think her mother is going to faint.

END OF PART 44