A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi
*(literally, a cliff in front, wolves behind-in other words, you're fucked)

MICHAEL:

"Well, yeah, Langly, you ARE an asshole. But I'm not sure what this has to do with any of this."

"It's like, I'm scum. Everything I touch, it gets ruined or dies."

Oh man. Talk about a complex.

"Did you ever think maybe it's got nothing to do with you?"

He looks pissed now. "Junior, you haven't got a fucking clue, do you?"

"Obviously not!" Now he's pissing ME off. I mean, I'm trying to be a friend and all...

But then he settles his blonde head on my shoulder. And I can feel him shaking.

I find myself doing what my dad does. I start making little circles on his back.

And goddammit, if I don't start doing the damn crooning thing!

This seems to chill him a little bit. But he's still coming apart.

"Junior, I mean, goddammit...I am so fucking scared, it's not funny. I wake up every day, I'm scared. I'm scared I'm gonna lose my job. I'm scared I'm gonna lose my baby. I'm scared I'm gonna lose Ally 'cause of this baby. I'm scared I'm gonna lose my sister...and I am..."

He totally loses it.

All I can do right now is be there for him.

Like he's been for me.

Even if he is an asshole.
 

It takes him a while. He's sobbing, I'm holding him, and it's like, he's gone. Lost in another world.

Finally he settles a little. He looks totally drugged by the time he's done.

Actually, some drugs might help him right now...but I think he tried that last night. They tell me alcohol's a drug. I confess it's got some therapeutic properties.

"And here I thought you were a mess, Junior." He gives a lopsided smile, like he's trying.

"Hey, I learned from the best."

"Fuck you, Junior." But he smiles again, just a little.

"So Langly? I gotta ask. What's this about you're worried that Ally's gonna ditch you? I mean, she LOVES you. Don't you know that?" This tells me he's truly lost it. I mean, Ally, who fucking worships him and adores him. We question her taste, but not how she feels about him.

"I dunno. It's like, here, I want this kid so bad."

"She wants it, too."

"Yeah, she says. But I wonder if she just wants it 'cause I want it."

"Is that so bad?"

"Yes. No. I dunno. I'm real worried. She's gotten pregnant five times. Two of 'em by me. She's got one kid. I mean, I can't even do this right!"

"Hey Langly, last time we checked, didn't she have the plumbing problems, not you?"

"Doesn't matter. I mean, last time, I almost killed her knocking her up!"

"Hey, not your fault the kid wasn't growing where it belonged."

"Maybe. I dunno. It's like, simplest thing in the world, except for us. And now, she's like stuck at home, and she hates it, I know she does."

"She works from home."

"Yeah, but she feels kind of yuck and she's tired a lot, and I can thank myself for that."

"She had a kid before. She knew when she signed on what it was like. She bitching a lot?"

"No, that's the thing. I'd almost feel better if she did. No, she's Ally, she stays quiet."

"You'd RATHER have her yelling at you?"

"Yeah. Then I could yell back. But you can't do that with Ally, 'cause she won't fire the first shot."

"So? You got a woman without first strike capability. Maybe that's good."

"Usually it's real good. But sometimes, I just wish I knew what went on in her head. What she REALLY thinks about stuff."

"Maybe she tells you what she really thinks and you don't listen. Wouldn't put that past you, asshole."

"Thank you, Junior. You're such an ego booster."

"Hey, just letting you know what a truly useless fuckrag you really are. My job, you know."

He laughs a little. It's thin, but it's a laugh.

"Lemme tell you what a useless fuckrag I am. Last night, I get myself totally wasted. Totally. This morning, I can't even make it to the bathroom to toss my cookies. So what happens? I let my pregnant wife clean up the mess I made!"

"Langly, she's not squeamish, she can deal with it." Ally's good about that kind of thing. I've had personal experience with it, sad to say.

"Junior, you don't get it! I'm supposed to take care of her right now, and all she's done, is take care of me! I mean, she made me lunch, for Christ's sake."

"She makes you lunch all the time."

"Not the point. I should do it for her."

"Maybe she doesn't want you to do it. Maybe she wants you to know she can still take care of you."

"Yeah, well, shouldn't be that way."

"Langly, let me tell you something. I'd starve before I let you make my lunch!"

Well, at least I made him laugh again.

"You can't cook for shit, and you know it!"

"Yeah, well, lately, I can't do anything for shit."

"Why'dya think it's all up to you?"

"'Cause it IS!"

"Like your sister? Like you could really keep what's gonna happen from happening?"

"I dunno."

"Doubt it, dude."

"Probably my fault she got sick in the first place."

"Dude, you've said a lot of stupid things, but that's gotta be one of the stupidest of your career! YOU got her sick?! Langly, you oughta hear how fucking insane you sound right now!"

"Couldn't make her better!"

"Yeah, but you tried!"

"Not good enough."

"So what else are you supposed to do? Huh? Kill yourself so she could live? You do that if it worked?"

"I might."

"Well, guess what, asshole? You don't get that option."

"I seem to be running out of options everywhere I go." Voice is bitter, but by the end of the sentence, it's just tired. So goddamn tired.

"What're you gonna do, Langly? You fucking try everything, it doesn't work, you did what you could!"

"How do I know I did everything?"

"Because, goddammit, you did! Are you too fucking dense to see it? Get real, Langly. Fucking world doesn't revolve around you." I'm getting kind of pissed here.

"Why'd she have to get sick in the first place?" A whine, with some new tears coming in for the kill. Shit.

"Because bad things happen, Langly!"

"Yeah, they do, don't they?" Hard voice. "It's like I've been cursed since before I was even born."

"Jesus, Langly, you think everything that happens is your fault? I mean, just 'cause your folks did stuff-"

Uh-oh. Opened my big mouth. Time for damage control.

"What the fuck are you talking about? My folks had some real bad luck. I was part of that bad luck!"

"Yeah, well, you know..."

"No, I don't. You wanna tell me what's going on, Junior? 'Cause if you're lying to me about anything, I will fucking whip your sorry ass, and I mean it, and I can do it!"

Well, I know that...he's definitely got the size advantage here. And he's strong. He can hold his own.

"And what the fuck do you know about my life, anyway, Junior? It's not like it's open for public viewing, for Christ's sake!"

"Look, it's nothing, okay? Forget it. I'm sorry. I was just pissed-"

"Fuck you, Junior. You tell me what the fuck is going on here! I am tired of being a goddamn mushroom, I'm in the dark and people feed me bullshit!"

Langly's got a temper, and while he's not a violent guy, I've seen him get pretty pissed off...and he's a lot bigger than me. And I've got firsthand experience with having my ass kicked by bigger guys.

"I found some stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Look...I hacked into an old database at Fort Detrick..."

"What the fuck were you doing hacking into Fort D? That place is insane! You're lucky we're not all arrested by now, you idiot!"

"It was a clean hack, fuckrag." Don't get on me about that.

"It better have been, asshole, or we're all going down, and we're taking you with us!"

He stops for a minute. "How'd you do that?" Now he's curious.

"Part of it was getting lucky."

"Junior, part of it's ALWAYS getting lucky. What the fuck'd you DO?"

Oh man. I had to go and open my big mouth. And this is Langly, and you don't get to take back what you started. Shit.

My dad is gonna kill me. And Langly's probably gonna kill me, too.

Now might be a good time to live as an expatriate under an assumed name.

Forget it. Wouldn't work with these guys. They'd find me.

Especially my dad.

"So what'd you find there, Junior?"

How long can I stall him here?

"Just some old files."

"Yeah. And?"

"I was going in the databases to try and find virus stuff, the stuff Dr. Scully's working on-"

"I know that, Junior. Tell me something I don't."

Christ, he is tetchy these days.

"And I found some files."

"You said that, fuckrag. What's in these fucking files?"

"Uh...well...your dad's name kind of came up."

"Kind of came up? Hey Junior, that's like me saying Ally's a little pregnant! What'd it say?"

"Well...your name was in there, too."

"Excuse me, Junior, but I was twelve fucking years old when he died, and I doubt they'd have any interest in a little kid!"

"Um...I think you're sort of wrong there." God, can somebody just strike me dead, right now, and put me out of my misery?

"So you gonna tell me what the fuck is going on or not? I mean, he was a microbiologist. I know what he did! That's not exactly a state secret, asshole!"

"Langly...I don't think you know everything that happened."

"And you do, right? I'm sure! So if you know so much, Junior, give. NOW!"

"I don't have 'em here."

"Whaddya mean, you don't have 'em here? You must've downloaded 'em somewhere! I mean, you weren't gonna stay in their system, unless you're stupider than I think you are!"

"Fuck off, Langly." I do a pretty decent hack, and if you wanna go after my balls, don't do it about that.

"No, YOU fuck off, Junior! I wanna see what you found."

"I don't think that's a good idea...my dad has the files."

"Well, why didn't you say so? Hacking ol' Melvin is usually no problem."

"Not in his system. They're on a zip disk."

"And let me guess! Daddy's got the disk!"

"Uh, yeah."

I don't like the look on his face. "Okay, Junior, here's what you're gonna do. We're gonna take a trip over to your house, you're gonna get the disk, and you and Daddy are both gonna tell me what the fuck you're trying to pull!"

"Langly, you asshole, I'm not trying to pull anything, for Christ's sake! It was my dad's decision!"

"I'm sure it was. He'd never trust you to make a decision on your own, you little fuckrag!"

Oh man. That stung.

"Y'know, Les is there with him...I think he's gonna be kind of mad if we bug him-"

"Yeah, well, I'm kind of mad about being kept in the dark about fucking everything, so we're even!"

"Langly, look...my dad hasn't been with Les in a long time, I don't really wanna deal with him...if I go and get the disk, and bring it back, will you get off my fucking case already?!"

He gives me the coldest damn stare I ever saw him give anybody.

"You do anything to that info, Junior, and I will fucking take you out and pulverize you. And I'm not kidding."

He's not screaming anymore. He's almost whispering.

And I see a look I don't know from Langly.

Cold fury.

It's pretty fucking scary. I mean, he goes off on rants all the time...but when he starts icing over, that's the time to get nervous.

Which, by the way, I am.

Not just about dealing with Langly, but also about trying to smuggle the disk out from under my dad's nose...this is assuming I can find it. My dad is not the neatest guy in the world, and he's got the desk to prove it.

What's the expression Ally taught me? A fronte praecipitium a tergo lupi?* Means something like between a rock and a hard place? I think that's it.

I'm there now. In any language.
 

I get back to our apartment. Dad and Les are hanging out, watching the ballgame, and getting very drunk. Hey, she drinks the same elephant piss he does. So if they've got nothing else in common...

"You're back," Dad says to me.

"Not really. Gotta get something and go back to work." And I'd like to do it as quickly as possible, thank you very much, with a minimum of conversation involved.

"What're you doing, working tonight?" Les slurs her words at me a little. "It's Saturday."

"Yeah, well, I'm behind."

Dad gives me this look like he totally does not trust me, but then the Orioles' first baseman drops what should have been an easy out for the Indians, and he's like so pissed now.

This is good. Do more stupid stuff so I can collect the spoils and get the fuck out of here.

Dad isn't organized, but he does label everything, which is good.

"What're you looking for?" He demands after the game settles back down.

I'm saved, strangely enough, by Les, who's screaming that the opponent on third was out, not safe, and apparently, some assailing each other's masculinity is going on with the coaches, so she gets Dad's attention, thank you Les. Dad is not about to let something trivial like his younger kid snooping in his desk take him away from what could turn into an out-and-out between the coaches, so I luck out.

Do some more stupid plays, and call 'em all wrong. This is as good as it gets right now.

Bingo. Under his bifocals case. The case lives in the drawer, the bifocals are usually right near him or on him. I slip the disk in my pocket, yell 'bye!' and bail out as fast as I can, while Dad and Les are arguing over some other play-this has to be the stupidest ballgame on the planet.

Then again, what do you want? It's American League ball. Sorry, Mets are still my team, National League all the way. No wussy designated hitter rules.

I'm just happy I made it out without an inquisition. I'm gonna have to thank the gods of J&B and baseball, big time, tonight.
 

You'd think having survived Dad and Les, I'd be feeling a whole lot better, but fact is, I feel really like shit now.

I don't even know why.

I mean, I didn't make this stuff. I just got it.

Ally says in mythology, the messenger always gets killed.

This thought is not making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Mostly, though, Langly's not in too good a shape right now, and this is just going to make a real crummy day for him complete.

I'm wondering if I should warn Ally.

No, I'm not gonna do that. I tell her anything, she'll say, give it to me, and then I have to deal with both of them being pissed. Then she'll be even more pissed because I got her husband upset, and she has a hard time forgiving people who fuck with him.

I'm more scared of her than him. Hate to admit it, but it's true. Most times, she is so damn sweet, but do anything to her husband or kid or friends, and that woman gets fucking ferocious. And since she doesn't rant much, whenever she does, it's like a shock to your system.

I'm not trying to fuck with him. I don't want to do this. I really don't. Why I opened my big fucking mouth and stuck my foot in...oh God.

Can we like step back in time and forget this all happened?

No, the goddamn time-space continuum goes on, no wrinkles.

And Langly's still there when I get back.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

END OF PART 19