BYERS:

June 2, 2001

Thank God it's Friday. This means Juliet will be home this evening.

She's still working in New Jersey, but thinks next week will be her last week.

I hope so.

Only seeing her on weekends is strangely unsatisfying.

I've grown so accustomed to her being in my life on a daily basis that these last two weeks have been utter hell. I can't relax. I certainly can't sleep. Food doesn't taste the same.

What am I going to do about this?

I'm not in terrible shape on the magazine...I have some final cleanup to do on some things, and a couple more sources to investigate, but nothing that won't wait until Monday.

I have a mission, and I have decided to accept it.

I will find the perfect engagement ring this afternoon.

Or I will self-destruct before dinnertime.
 

LANGLY:

Thank God it's Friday. Another sucky week down the tubes.

Ally's been feeling real crummy, Joanie's so drugged out on paid meds she barely can manage ten minutes with me, Miranda's mad at me, I'm hopelessly behind on my contributions for July which means Frohike's gonna have my ass, and then...there's my boss.

I hear one more word about my monster feet, my thinning hair, or my coke-bottle lenses, or how I'm supposed to initial ALL the pages of my reports with ALL three of my initials, I swear, I'm gonna pop him one.

Or grow my hair out again. I was gonna have Miranda trim it, but she's mad at me right now. Sorry, I don't trust that girl with scissors when she's in a bad mood. Ally says she'd never do it...but I'm not sure.

That's it. I'm gonna grow my hair out. Fuck Nathanson.

Almost lunchtime. We're all four of us getting out of here today. Okay, so it's Taco Bell, but it means we get the fuck away from here for an hour.

My phone's ringing, and I don't feel like answering it. Used to be we'd just let everything go to voice mail, but Nathanson insists we gotta answer.

"Yeah?" I won't give my name. He can make me answer my phone, but I don't have to say who I am.

"Langly?" Female voice, not my wife. "It's Jo Gilfillan. I'm sorry to bother you at work..."

Oh fuck. It's Jo. As in Joanie's roommate Jo. "...she's slipped into a coma, dear. I think you should be here..."

No. This can't be happening. Joanie...

"You're sure." Stupid thing to say. Jo's a fucking nurse. She knows. And she wouldn't bug me unless it was for real...

"Langly, I know she wants you here. And I don't know how much longer she'll be with us. I'll see you soon."

I'm numb. I can't move.

It's Friday. Shit's not supposed to happen on Friday...

I have to ask-no, fucking tell, Nathanson I have to leave.

I'm not quitting. But if he wants to fire my ass, let him.
 

I'm surprised as shit when Nathanson tells me to take the rest of the day off. Like he's doing me a giant favor or something.

He even says he's sorry about my sister.

I don't know if he is, and I don't care.

I need my sister. I need her to come back.

Jo's place is in this complex that's real secluded. Quiet.

I don't hear anything right now. It's like everything, sound, motion, vision, it's all stopped.

I don't hear the eight-bell chime of Jo's doorbell, or her footsteps coming to the door.

Jo's not a cuddler, but she puts her arms around me when I walk in.

I was hoping she'd tell me that Joanie was okay now. Hoping against everything.

Jo's face says no, not gonna happen.

She takes my hand and leads me up to Joanie's room. I'm scared out of my mind to go in.

"It's okay, dear. She looks as if she's asleep. I had her on oxygen, but I've taken it off now. She told me that was what she wanted when she became unconscious."

Jo's like trying to be clinical, like the nurse she used to be, but you can see how sad she is.

"Do you want me to call Ally?" she asks me.

"Uh...no." 'Cause then she'll want to come over, and much as I need her here, I don't want her driving and being stressed out and all.

"All right. Do you want to be alone?"

I nod yes, because I can't talk right now.

I sit on my sister's bed. She looks like she's asleep, but she's got like this horrible wheezy breathing. Death rattle, I think they call it.

Sounds like it.

I want her to wake up and say, how are you, little one. If she did, I'd tell her I was okay.

She doesn't.

There's probably lots of stuff I want to say to her, but I can't think of it right now.

I just take her hand, like she used to take mine. She's got my fingers. Long fingers. They're so bony now. And cold. Maybe if I hold them long enough, they'll get warm again.

Quit kidding yourself, you idiot.

I don't know how long Jo's gone.

"I'm sorry, dear, but I have to call her children now."

I just nod. I know she has to.

She is their mom, they have the right.

But I was her brother first. And I'll be her brother at the end.

Which I finally realize, is going to be real soon.
 

Joanie's breathing gets worse and worse. She's like this awful color, bluish gray.

I feel a small hand on my shoulder. Real soft, tiny.

It's Ally.

She doesn't say anything, she just puts her arms around me.

I'm glad she's here.

Another soft hand, little bigger than Ally's.

It's Miranda.

And she leaves her hand on my shoulder for a while, finally she just says real quiet, "Sorry, Langly." And follows her aunt.

More people are here. There's a doctor here now, and what's probably a lawyer, and a priest.

Jo's not one to leave herself vulnerable, that's for sure. I wonder if she plays chess. She may not make creative moves, but she knows how to protect herself.

I'm kind of wondering about the priest. I mean, Joanie's not Catholic, I'm sure she didn't ask for this...

"It's for me." Jo says simply.

What was it Ally said about funerals being for the living more than for the dying?

Guess you got to take care of the living, too.

Although right now, this is so unreal...it's like there's nothing but this hum. Like a real soft hum, the kind I'm so used to with computers on all the time, but this time, it's like it blocks out everything. It's like I can barely feel myself, just sitting here on Joanie's bed...

About the only things that are real right now are Ally's arms around me and Joanie's ice-cold fingers.

I wonder if she knows it's me.

I doubt it, but I'd like to think she does.

Maybe if I close my eyes, I'll wake up and this will all have been a weird, bad dream...
 

"Ringo! Here, catch!"

I'm three years old, and Joanie's tossing me a ball, and she's trying to get me to play. I'm in a bad mood 'cause my dad and mom yelled at me about something...I think I took something apart...I did that a lot.

"Don't wanna!" My stock response to everything.

"C'mon, Ringo, for me!"

For Joanie...anything. So we play. And I'm not real good, I'm only three, but we keep tossing it around, I get better, and pretty soon, I'm not in a bad mood anymore...
 

"Ringo won the divisional tournament here for seventh-grade math. Isn't that terrific?" It's my dad, we're at Joanie's house, I'm ten (I skipped two grades, what can I say? Least I was tall).

Joanie's busy, Julie's just a new baby, and she's real tired, but she comes over and gives me this big hug, all the time Roy is glaring at me, but I don't care, 'cause Joanie's like so happy.

"You're such a smart little boy, Ringo, I'm so proud of you."

Roy keeps glaring at me, and she goes back to Julie...
 

"Joanie? Need your help."

I just got arrested, I can't post bail, I really need my sister to come and get me.

"Ringo...where are you?"

"Baltimore..."

"You live there, honey. Where in Baltimore?"

"Uh...US Marshal's?"

"Ringo...have you been arrested?"

"Yeah."

"What for?"

"Can't tell you right now...I only got a couple minutes and this is my only phone call...please Joanie?"

I hear Roy screaming at her that there's no way she's gonna do anything for that lousy lowlife little brother of hers, if he screwed up that's his problem...

"I'll be there in an hour, Ringo."

I wonder how many hits she took on that one...

All I know, it's the last time I see her. For thirteen years...
 

"Ringo...I'm so happy to be here."

It's my wedding day, she comes in to see me, she straightens out my tie, kiss on the cheek, big hug.

I never thought I'd have a wedding day, much less one with my sister there.

"Yeah, well, glad you could make it." I'm not much for great words when I'm kind of choked up and nervous to boot.

She looks at me, her hands on my shoulders, and she smiles big.

"It's been so long, and life's so short..."

She had no idea...
 

I'm three, I'm ten, I'm 24, I'm 36...I'm back in the present.

I don't wanna be here. I wanna go back and be three again. Little kid with white hair, my big sister picking me up and telling me I have to go to bed now, and if I'm good, she'll read me a story...

I'm almost never good, but she always reads me stories anyway.

If I was three again, then things could be different...we could do them over...get rid of all the bad things...

I'd like to pick and choose my life like Miranda decides who her relatives are going to be. I'd like to have that kind of power right now...

All I'd have to do is change one second...

Joanie can't breathe anymore. She's really choking now.

Jo calls the paramedics, real quiet.

The room is so quiet, except for Joanie trying to suck in whatever air she can get. Humans don't want to die. We fight it all the way down. Just so we can have one more minute.

One more minute...

Don't leave me! I want to scream it, but I open my mouth and no sounds come out.

"...pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death..."

The words are quiet, they come from Jo, and the priest...

And Frohike. And Junior. They slip in so quiet, I don't even notice them.

Frohike strokes my hair, and he doesn't say anything, but he's the Fro, and he gets emotional, and his eyes are all damp.

Junior just hangs on his dad, and he looks at me with big eyes that are like, dude, I'm so sorry.

Standing near the door, just looking at me, nodding, it's Byers.

They're all here for me. For Joanie.

I close my eyes. I can't let go of Joanie's fingers. They're so cold, so cold...

I hear nothing now...

See nothing...

Joanie...are you the one dying here, or me?

"Langly. It's over." Jo taps me on the shoulder. I discover I'm alone again, in the room, with just Jo and the doctor. "She left about five minutes ago."

"But I didn't say goodbye!"

"You didn't need to, dear." She puts an arm around my shoulders. "Go downstairs now, dear. Her lawyer's here, and he needs to talk to you."

"I cannot believe this!" I hear a loud, screeching voice, so different from all the murmuring ones that have been around me for the last-how long was it?

It's the voice of my nephew. Goddamn it.

With my niece...and my asshole ex-brother-in-law.

"You're going to pay for this, lady," Roy hisses at her.

"Hello, Mr. Renshaw." Jo is just so cool.

"Get him out of here!" Chris points at me, shrieking, and Julie just looks at me like, you better do what he says.

Fuck him.

"Langly was just going downstairs," Jo tells them softly. She gives me this look like, go now. It's not a mean look, but I was gonna have to go anyway...

I leave the bed, and I notice my legs are numb from sitting on them for so long...must be getting old...I have a hard time standing up.

I leave the room, but when I get to the hallway, I get collared by my nephew, who apparently won't be happy until he's got a chunk of my ass.

"This is all your fault! You made her go astray, you fill her with your tainted blood..."

"What're you talking about?" I'm not thinking real good right now, witty comebacks aren't happening here.

"You corrupted her! She's dead because of you!"

"No, she's dead because she got a fatal disease, you moron!" I jerk myself away from him, which shouldn't be hard, I'm bigger, but he's a tough fucker...

And he's crazy.

"And why did that happen, Uncle?" He spits out the word uncle like it tastes rotten. "Because of you! You led her away from the path that she belonged on! And this is what happens, Uncle! Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord!"

"You are fucking crazy, Chris."

"Am I? Then I'm crazy with the Holy Spirit, and that's exactly the way it should be! How she could ever let you taint her with your blood..."

It occurs to me he's talking about the marrow transplant...this is not a symbolic conversation.

I told you, I'm kind of slow right now.

But I do know he's insane. And not just from his mom's dying.

He's just plain insane.

For once, the idea of talking to a lawyer isn't so bad. He might be somewhat sane in relation to my nephew...
 

Ally and Miranda stop me at the bottom of the stairs. Ally just holds me for a long time, and Miranda even joins in for a little.

"Langly, do you mind if I take Miranda home? She needs to get out of here."

Personally, I think Miranda's doing fine, but I don't like the look on Ally's face. She looks like she's in pain...oh God. Not the baby...

"I'm fine, Langly. I'm just tired. And Miranda needs to go."

"No, no, go home, Ally. I'll be okay."

I don't need another death in the family right now, thank you very much.

And right now, I need to hang on to life in any form.

"I love you, Langly." She kisses me.

It's the only thing that reminds me I'm not dead yet.
 

I sit in Jo's living room-really is Jo's again now, isn't it?-and the lawyer, Tim Flaherty he says his name is, or something Irish like that-says he needs to talk to me, but he can wait some if I'm not up for it right now.

I need to get out of this house. I need some air. I'm suffocating.

I hear a lot of screaming upstairs. Not Jo's voice, my family.

Well, sort of my family by marriage...not anymore.

I suspect they will want as little to do with me as humanly possible now. Which is fine. Even my niece, I don't trust her...I never know where she's at...

Lots of wailing going on...it's weird compared to how quiet everything was when I was there.

Real grief is private, folks. I don't trust anybody carrying on like that.

I need to get out. I nod to Frohike and Junior and Byers, who don't say anything, but follow along with me.

I know they'll be silent if I need them to be.
 

Jo's place is in the woods pretty much. And they didn't totally trash the real thing to make way for subdivision woods. The creek near her place is still real. Today it's rushing pretty good.

And you can actually sit on one of the hills and look out over the Potomac Valley, which looks a lot better from a distance than up close and personal.

Looking at the sun, what time is it? It's like, it's got to be past five, judging from where the shadows are...what was it, one something when I got here? I don't even know. Time's become sort of weird today.

Frohike stays close by. He's not talking, but he slips an arm over my back. I almost wish he wouldn't do it. I might break if he does. Right now, I'm just numb, and I think I prefer it like that.

Four of us, just sitting on a grassy knoll...makes me think, it was a lone gunman on the grassy knoll...the irony here isn't lost on me. Funny how your mind works at times like this.

I wish Ally was here, and I wish she still smoked, 'cause I'd take her cigarettes right now. When I'm like totally going over the edge, I light up, take a few drags...gives you something to concentrate on. I think it's how she keeps from crying a lot of times. I notice since she quit she's more labile. Course, could be because she's pregnant, Frohike says they get a lot more emotional with the hormone rush.

Junior still looks kind of freaked. He keeps going between hanging on his dad and sticking close to Byers. I think he'd out and out grab Daddy for himself right now, except I think he's finally a big enough boy to realize he's not the only one that needs Dad.

I been with these dudes for so long...they've been here for everything, and they're here again.

Which is something I guess not many people get.

I'm gonna need this, 'cause right now, I just feel...

I don't know. Empty, I guess. Like nothing's there.

They're always the something when nothing's there.
 

"You need to talk to the lawyer," Frohike reminds me. It's the only thing anybody's said in a long time.

"Not right now," I shake my head. I just can't deal with anything. I just wanna stay here and be numb with the guys around to take care of stuff.

"Yes, now." Frohike seems to think he can push us around.

And he's right. 'Cause me and Byers, we gave him that right.

"Don't wanna." My stock response from the time I learned to talk.

"I think you should," Byers's voice is so soft, I almost have to strain to hear it. And it's not really like Byers to be like that, so I'm a little surprised.

"I don't wanna go back there. Not with Roy and Julie and Chris there."

Frohike wrinkles his eyebrows. "I think perhaps Mr. Flaherty would join us out here."
 

Frohike returns, lawyer in tow. I didn't notice it before, but the lawyer's a redhead.

Red hair looks way better on Ally. Fuck, it even looks better on Byers.

He introduces himself as a classmate of Jo's from about three centuries back. When they were young.

When Joanie was young. Jo and Joanie, they're the same age.

Were the same age. Jo has no more age. She's become timeless.

"I'm sorry about your sister, Mr. Langly," Carrot-top starts up.

Fuck the platitudes, even if you mean it. I don't wanna hear it.

I got to admit, I really hate lawyers. So even if this guy is like the salt of the earth, I'm gonna have to hate him, just because.

"Thank you for coming out here," Byers is trying to be Mr. Manners. I mean, even in the best of times, I'm not so great at saying the right stuff. This is hardly the best of times.

"Actually, I think it's better we be out of the house. Who are those maniacs, anyway?" He grins big.

I'm starting to like this guy a little better.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

END OF PART 25