Ducunt Volentem Fata, Nolentum Trahunt
 
 

BYERS:

I'm floating.

I think, it must be the liquor...and I'm sure that's a contributing factor...but it's hardly the primary one.

She said yes.

I don't know why I should sound so surprised. I think this is what she wanted all along.

Still, she deserved better than a half-sodden proposal in a biker bar...

She has never looked happier.

And I don't think it's just the beer.

She admires the diamond and platinum creation I selected for her...I fretted that she would not like it. I tell her that if she finds something she likes better, she's free to exchange it...

She informs me that they'll have to cut off her finger before they can touch that ring.

Until that moment, I debated how I was going to step from the past into the future...how I would say it, where, when...

Leave it to me to blurt it out in the very dive where we watch (and bet heavily) on sporting events, drinking Budweiser and following very possibly the worst funeral I've ever attended.

While berating myself for these shortcomings, I have overlooked one small factor.

The smile on Juliet's face.

It tells me that to her, this is perfection.

I should start accepting that.

I am, after all, going to marry her.
 

Charles Dickens' famous saga 'A Tale of Two Cities' begins with the well-known (and somewhat tired) line, "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."

How true.

Whatever possessed me to propose to Juliet today, I have no regrets.

Tonight, in our bed, there are no edible items (other than one another). There's no need.

Just us. Just the moment. Naked flesh against naked flesh.

We light one candle, and proceed to enjoy the most passionate, and caring, sexual experience that at least I have ever had.

And when we're done, we lie there, watching the candle flicker, the backlight from it glowing on the walls like warm hope.

There is so much terror and uncertainty in the world...and I feel so sure here. So warm and so right. Is love where we hide, or where we simply become brave enough to take on the rest of the world?

Only someone as anal as myself would bother with these questions at a time like this, but in the soft light, they diffuse into shadows, melting into the darkness.

I feel something I have not felt in a long time.

Contentment.

I feel rather like Tivvy, who, shameless hussy that she is, decided to join us at a most inopportune moment, digging her claws into the sole of my foot...

And for some reason, the imperfection of that moment had more impact than the most perfectly designed one would.

Juliet, wench that she is, decides that after our entre d'amour, she should call her parents and relay the news. She calls them while we lie in our bed, sated and slightly exhausted. Her parents-now my future in-laws-are delighted, and they speak to me as well, expressing their joy at our intentions.

I decide that mother-in-law jokes aren't always true. Caroline Parker's pleasure is genuine in her voice as she welcomes me to her family.

My future in-laws may have felt very differently had they known we were calling them from our bed, completely unclothed.

Then again, maybe not. They're so down to earth, warm and friendly people...I am lucky to belong to their family...

I belong to someone now.
 

MICHAEL:

June 16, 2001

My one summer class is in psychology...what a yawn.

My sister and Mulder majored in this shit?

Christ. I could sleep through the whole thing and probably ace it.

Hell, I probably will.

But I got other things to think about...things that could be a real problem.

Like that Kelly went to get her birth control pills the other day, and the pharmacist wouldn't give them to her. Which was really weird. She always picks them up at the same Rite Aid here in Alexandria, same pharmacist, same techs, and she always pays cash, so it's not like she ever bounced a check on them. She asked if there was a problem with her scrip, and all the pharmacist said was that she's a single woman, she can't have 'em.

Since when do pharmacists start being the morals police?

So I was like, okay, no problem, I'll get some rubbers...I don't like them, but I'd rather do rubbers than not do sex with Kelly.

So I go to buy some, and it's like, I get the fucking third degree.

I lied and said I was married. So I got 'em.

Guys don't really like going to the pharmacy and buying that stuff anyway, and getting read the riot act, just because you want to make love to your girlfriend...this is insane. Not to mention more than a little embarrassing.

And they ask me what my religion is. I put down Zen Buddhist. I mean, put down Catholic, you're probably fucked. I was gonna go into this thing about how they got no right to ask me that, but hell, I don't think I can go without Kelly for very long...

And I was only allowed to buy 30 of them. 30!

You got any idea how fast Kelly and me can go through 30?

Other thing is, Sunday's Father's Day...and I got no idea what to get my dad. And I want to get him something decent. Plus, Les and Pam are coming...so I got to do better than Les.

I'm not sure if my dad thinks Les bringing Pam is much of a Father's Day present...but he said it was okay. Guess he figures, he wants to see Les, he's gonna have to deal with the Pam thing.

I may actually have to break down and ask-gaak!-Princess Miranda for her retail advice. One thing I'll say for the girl, she can shop. And pick out gifts. Not something I'm real talented at.

Plus I got to get her to cut my hair. It's getting to be real long, and it's starting to bug me. I never had it this long before, except one time I grew it out so I could spike it. Got to be too much of a drag to have to do the spikes every day, though.

And I got to finish some stuff my dad gave me to do, and I got to get it right, because I'm sort of on probation, if you will-Dad was pretty mad after I told Langly the stuff I wasn't supposed to tell him, and right now he doesn't trust me too much.

I got no idea why it's so important that I think he respects me. It just is. I'd like to just say fuck it, doesn't matter, but for some goddamn reason, it does.

It's annoying the hell out of me.

This leads me to one real depressing conclusion.

I have got to get organized.
 

BYERS:

Juliet's parents are coming for a visit in three weeks, the long Fourth of July weekend, to be exact. I am assuming this visit is to discuss what our wedding plans will be.

As of right now, I have no idea. We haven't gotten that far. This has been a very Zen-like time, in terms of being in the moment and relishing it.

The sex, however, has been anything but Zen-like. More like tantric art, if you will.

Had I known that the engagement would trigger this sort of activity, I might have been less of a wimp and proceeded sooner.

I still haven't told my own father of our engagement.

I don't even know why it would occur to me to think this. We have not spoken in years-many years. Granted, I was informed that when I was seriously ill, he did come to visit, but left in quite a huff due to his dispute with Kat. I never did see him. Nor did he attempt to contact me after that.

So why am I debating about picking up the phone and calling him?

Chances are, he won't even be willing to talk to me. I will, of course, have to work through his secretary, and I suspect she has been alerted that I am not to disturb her boss.

I have, of course, told Kat-who was utterly delighted at the news. We will be visiting with Kat and her family at Hilton Head Island later this summer, a visit I'm greatly looking forward to. My nieces are growing so rapidly.

Kat has not spoken to our father in over a year. She claims she has thought about attempting to reestablish some sort of contact, but has not had the nerve to do so yet.

I know what she means.

Reach out and touch someone is a lot more complicated when you have a reasonably good idea that the other party doesn't want to be reached out to and touched.

Why am I even thinking about this? It shouldn't even be relevant.

Maybe I'll call him another day.
 

LANGLY:

Sunday. It's Father's Day. Weird.

And I get to celebrate.

I mean, Miranda was real nice last year, and she was like, well, you're my wicked stepfather, I guess that counts.

Now I got another reason to celebrate. So what if the kid's not here yet?

I start thinking about my own dad. Did we ever celebrate Father's Day for him?

I think so...I think Joanie did stuff for him a couple times, but I really don't remember.

I haven't looked at the stuff Junior gave me since that night.

I think it was a lie. I think somebody planted it to discredit my dad. It's got to be a lie.

Joanie would have told me if it was true. Assuming, of course, I asked her, which I didn't, and assuming she knew, which...

Now I'll never know.

I miss her. It's like at first, I really couldn't hang on to the fact she was gone. It was like, she'll be back.

Then you wake up one day, and you hit the ground with a thud, something I've done a lot lately.

Now I know she's really not coming back. And it hurts like hell.

I e-mailed my niece, but she doesn't write me back. I'm suspicious as hell of her, and I'm hurt, too.

Only time I don't totally hurt all the time is when Ally holds me. And I feel bad about needing her so bad right now, when I think she really needs me. She says she's just not feeling that great, she hardly ever gets up. I think she wants to, but she doesn't.

But she's there when I need her. And lately, I need her a lot.

This isn't fair to her. She's having a hard enough time. She says that's bullshit, she's supposed to be there for me.

Still, you'd think at my age, I could deal with this shit. I mean, I'm not twelve, like when my dad died, or fifteen, like when Scott died...

I have no parents, no brother, no sister.

I got plenty of good people, so why this bugs me, I'll never know.

For some reason, I'm real pissed off at Scott right now, of all people. Scott, who I might think about normally once a year.

I'm pretty fucking baffled why I'm doing this. I wasn't attached to Scott like I was to Joanie.

Thinking about her funeral still pisses me off. I'm sorry, Joanie, but I'm glad I didn't go to see you buried. It's like everyone there was probably patting themselves on the back because they think they're so fucking right.

And if I'd gone, I'd have missed Byers proposing to Juliet, and that was great. He's like so happy.

Am I happy? I don't know. Right now, I don't think so.

It's not like I'm sorry about Ally or anything...I just wish it wasn't so damn hard right now. I wish everything didn't make me feel like shit, which it does.

Frohike keeps asking me if I'm okay, and I tell him, yeah, I'm fine.

I'm such a liar. I'm not fine.

Even Junior bugs me about it. Like he could do anything about it. I mean, he means okay and all...he even asked me to come play pool with him, but I just couldn't do it. I wake up, it's like I'm made of lead. I can barely move.

Maybe it's good my boss is such an asshole. Because if he was like Sheridan, you know, it's cool and all, I'd probably never get out of bed in the morning.

And Miranda's been real nice to me, and that creeps me out. I'd almost rather have her ragging on me. It'd feel like normal then.

I just want a day where I feel like a human being again. Maybe on Sunday.

What is it they say, never on Sunday?
 

FROHIKE:

My daughter returns tonight...and I am, if possible, even more nervous than I was the first time.

I'd really have preferred for her to come alone.

And I had every right to ask that.

But I didn't.

I have no idea how to handle this...situation.

I am ill-prepared to deal with children of adult status.

I'm not good at duality. I tend to see things in black and white terms.

When Michael was first here, he was still a child...and I could deal with him as a child.

Now I can no longer do that. And I find it very difficult.

And Leslie? Leslie doesn't even need me the way Michael did, and this makes it all the more difficult for me.

What is it I can provide in her life?

I certainly don't have a lot of money...although if she needs it, I will certainly give her what I can.

Moral support? I don't even understand her lifestyle...her needs.

I know so little of her. My own little girl.

Who is not your little girl anymore, Frohike, so get off it.

Father's Day is coming. I know my children wish to celebrate it, celebrate me...

I feel so unworthy of the honor.

I've been with them so little of their lives...yet they have come to treat me as though I have been there all along.

Which I have not, and don't deserve.

I love them so much...and I dread having both of them in the apartment.

Mostly because there never seems to be enough hot water.
 

MICHAEL:

That's it. I gotta go shopping. I'm cringing.

I ask Kelly what she thinks I should get my dad...she's got no idea. I forget she hasn't had a dad around, of any kind, since she was a little kid.

Plus I got to do one better than Les. Wish I knew what she was bringing, other than Pam.

I was thinking about one of those Blow-me inflatables you get at the magic stores...which Dad would think was hilarious if Langly or the prof gave him one, but if I did it...

He'd kill me.

Christ. Here comes the worst.

Time to request her Highness to go to the mall with me.

Maybe Jesse'll be with her and he'll come and I won't feel so...vulnerable.

Something about that girl is just so sharp...it hurts.

I think it's her mouth.
 

I luck out. The Princess is not only in a reasonably good mood-she has been like the most major bitch lately-but Jesse's there, he says he'll come. Kelly's not home from work yet, else I'd make her come, too.

Course, I offer to drive, we head out and pile in the 'Stang, I make Miranda sit in back...

And the fucking battery is dead.

Christ.

This is not a good sign.
 

BYERS:

This is supposed to be Juliet's last day in New Jersey...I can't wait for her to get home.

She was planning to leave about three hours ago, meaning that she'll be here sometime within the next two hours.

I have never anticipated a reunion so much in my life.

I have no idea what tonight will bring...

But I look forward to it with the eagerness I once awaited Christmas morning...a million years ago.

I am a child, maybe for the first time, and loving it.

The only adult activities I wish to be bothered with this weekend are...well, never mind...yes, I'm blushing! Go away!
 

LANGLY:

Quitting time, blessed quitting time. I love it. It's 4:45 and we can get the hell out of here.

Another wonderful week.

Not.

We all four walk out together, and Goldie says they're going for brews, do I wanna come with?

I think about it. I wouldn't mind...ordinarily...and Ally wouldn't mind...but normally, she'd be at work still, or just coming home...

Nope. Better bail on this one.

Besides, I really like these dudes as work friends...I'm not sure how comfortable I am with them away from work.

And it's real hard making clever conversation right now. I'm not even good at it at work right now. I didn't even contribute to the obituary contest this week. Each week, we give a prize to the one of us that writes the coolest obituary for our boss. The prize is usually a quarter, but hey, it's recognition.

Besides, we're just corrupt civil servants, it's not like we're getting rich on this job.

I don't know why I don't quit it.

But I won't. They wanna fire me, that's their problem...but for some reason, I won't quit. It's like if I do, I just admit everyone was right about me. That I'm a total fuckup and I can't do it.

I must slowly be going mad. I sure as hell feel like it.

I hope Ally's feeling better today. She said she felt real bad, real sore, this morning. I offered to stay with her, but she told me no way.

Not that I could've, anyway.

Getting out of DC on Friday night at this time sucks. I got a CD player in this car, which helps, but nothing just goes down right.

It's like I can't get comfortable anywhere.

I mean, it's the weekend. Christ. I don't have to get up tomorrow. I oughta just get over it already.

Maybe I should've gone drinking with the dudes.

Lately, it's like not even alcohol numbs me out enough.

I was okay right after Joanie died. I was like numb for days. Then I stopped being numb.

Now I'm just miserable.

Maybe me and Junior should go play some pool. I mean, Junior may be young and a pain in the ass, but one thing you got to give Junior, he listens up. And he's got a soft heart.

Maybe I'll ask him to go later. Ally's usually sleeping pretty early.

I probably can't play for shit, but at least I'll feel like I did something...

This is a lot like sleepwalking. I keep wondering when I'll wake up.

Maybe when I do, it'll all have been a real bad dream.

I'm kind of tired of reality right now.

Maybe I'll just go home and fall asleep. Except lately, I can't even do that. I'll like fall asleep for a while, but then I wake up and I can't go back. And I wake Ally up when I do it, and I feel rotten 'cause she needs to sleep.

I'm so damn tired.

Maybe I need Prozac.

No fucking way. I think Prozac is a way of keeping people docile, making 'em be a certain way.

Nope, I'd rather suffer and drag my ass.

At least it's my suffering.

END OF PART 28