Segnius Homines Bona Quam Mala Sentire
 
 

LANGLY:

God, looking at Juliet...at least this puts things in perspective.

No, my Ally can't have kids...but she's in one piece and she's sitting here holding my hand, and when I talk to her, she can answer, even though she's kind of sleepy, she slept all the way from Alexandria to Baltimore...

I vaguely remember this place.

Yeah. This is where I ended up just before I went into rehab.

God. I was so damn lucky Frohike and Byers were there for me. I'd have been dead by now if it wasn't for them...

God. All this time, feeling sorry for myself because of one thing I couldn't have, and I got all these good things and people in my life, and I'm too fucking stupid to even realize it.

I'm like so ashamed.

Ally squeezes my hand, and I lean my head on her tiny shoulder...I'm always amazed she doesn't topple over when I lean on her, I'm so much bigger than her, but it's like, she can hold her own...and mine.

But right now, I gotta take care of her.

And I've done such a shit job of it.

"Whatcha thinking?" She asks me real soft.

I shrug. "I dunno. Like what a fuckhead I am."

She laughs. "Get off it, Langly. Find another topic of preoccupation."

"Meaning?"

"Why don't you, just for today, tell yourself that you're a good husband for taking such good care of me, just for openers."

What kind of drugs were they giving her?

"I don't take good care of you. I wanted this kid, and I went ahead and I pushed you-"

"Langly, shut up or I'll smack you!" She's not laughing now. "Hello! I think we decided this together! At least give me some credit here!"

"I think you deserve better than you get-"

"Langly, I'm tired of you playing that you're such a fuckup! You know how selfish that comes across? Well, it does. Get over it. I'm not kidding."

Well, at least she admits I'm selfish...

"Langly, you're not listening to me! Stop it! You work hard. You're a good husband. And believe it or not, you're a good father to Miranda. Why do you think I agreed to this in the first place? I've had a chance to see you in action. I knew you could do it. I wish we could. But we can't. And it hurts."

"Yeah." It still does. Even though I'm so lucky, this still burns.

"Look, I know I'm always going to look at a baby and wonder what it would have been like for us...and that hurts, Langly. A lot. But we've got a lot. And part of the reason we have a lot is because of YOU, you bonehead!"

"I dunno..."

"Langly, grow up. You're almost 38 years old. Start giving yourself some credit, okay? It's time."

"Think I could've done better."

"Maybe we all could do better. But sometimes it's just not possible. We do what we can. Sometimes it's not enough." She puts her hand gentle on my cheek. "Look at me, Langly. And listen up. I. Need. You. And I love you. Very much."

"How come you need me?" How could anybody need me? I'm pretty much a drain on resources.

"Because I do, dammit! I don't even know why...but I do. Langly...God, when was the last time we made love?"

"You mean, really made love?"

"Yeah. Both of us. Mutual abandon."

"February?"

"February. Which in my opinion is too damn long. And I'm warning you, babe, the minute I stop bleeding, you'd better watch it, because you're long overdue for an attack of the 5-foot-2 woman!"

I have to laugh. "Where is she? You're only 5-1 and a half!"

She smacks me light on the arm. "You know what I mean."

Yeah, I do.

Any way we can expedite this process?
 

FROHIKE:

It's been four hours since Byers fell asleep in my lap. He's finally stirring.

Which is good, because my legs are numb.

I hope I can walk.

"Where's Juliet?" he asks in a dry whisper.

"In her room," I tell him quietly. "Do you want to go back?"

"Uh-huh."

"Come on. I'll take you back there. Get up slowly. You're likely to be a little faint."

He sits up next to me at first, not moving for several minutes. The effects of the drug have not worn off completely. I think he's going to require coffee.

"What happened to Jeffrey?" he asks me hoarsely.

I'm not ready to discuss this with him. "First things first. Let's go see Juliet. I know when she wakes up she'll want to see you."

"How's Caroline?"

"Caroline is holding up. Her son is on his way here. He'll be here late tonight."

"I'm so fogged...what was his name?"

"Caliban." The hazards of having a Shakespearean scholar for a mother are myriad.

"Right. The slave in 'As You Like It.' I think."

I don't know my Shakespeare all that well...it was either that or 'A Midsummer Night's Dream.'

The joys of being surrounded by academics.
 

LANGLY:

Ally's dozed off, I should go get her the blanket from the car, she'll get cold...why do they keep hospitals so fucking cold? I'll do it when Byers wakes up.

I hear people outside, but it's not Byers.

It's...Lu and Renegade.

That's right. Lu hired Juliet for her last job. And she's looking damn upset.

"Langly...I'm not surprised to see you here...how are you?" She takes both my hands in hers.

"Okay, I guess." I have to tell her. "You know Ally was gonna have a baby...she lost it."

"I'm sorry, Langly."

"Hey, dude. Sorry about that," Renegade shakes my hand, then slaps me across the back. "Hard break for you guys."

"Not half as hard as Juliet's."

"No, that's for certain," he agrees. "Hey, Lu, you want me to get some coffee for you guys?"

"Please, thank you," she looks at him...sort of like Ally looks at me.

Ally wakes up, Lu gives her a hug, tells her how sorry she is, Ally's like, thank you.

I offer Lu my chair. Hey, least I can do for she who busted me.

"Langly...I need to talk with you." Lu says this to me real quiet.

"I'm here."

"Langly...I don't think Juliet was hurt by accident."

"Well, definitely hit and run. Nobody got much ID, save that it was a dark car. Great description that is."

"Langly, I think she was hurt...because of the job I had her doing at Meerschaum-Beckerling."

And I thought I was paranoid.

"You and Renegade checking this out?"

"We are. I was wondering...if you get a chance, can you maybe check some of your...contacts?"

"I can try."

I'm not real convinced this is what happened...I mean, Meer-Beck doesn't even know she's not coming back, least that's what she said in her e-mail...

"Thank you." She looks miserable. "And here I thought I'd be rid of this sort of thing by going into business for myself." Little smile, so ironic. "Lurus Investigations, a nice little business for myself...rapidly going amok."

"Thought things were going good for you."

"Business is terrific, if that's what you mean...and that's very frightening."

"When'd Renegade cruise in?"

"Last night...we were going to spend a few days at the Bay... then this...Langly, I really think this is all my fault."

And I thought I could guilt-trip with the best of them.

"Hey, Lu, d'you ever feel guilty after you busted me?"

Now THAT makes her laugh. "Not a chance, Langly. Not a chance."

"Okay, so at least we know you don't feel guilty about everything."

"No, just almost."

"You can't do that, you're not even Jewish!" Ally teases her.

"Yes, but my father was a minister, so I can do guilt," Lu's smiling a little, trying to laugh, but you can tell she's convinced this is all her fault.

She's up now, checking out Juliet. Her chart's there, I should read it, but Byers and Frohike do it a lot better. You'd think I'd know what I was doing after all this time, and I know some of it, but they're a lot better.

"What does the old man think?" I ask, referring to Renegade.

"Renegade? He's thinking along the lines I am."

"That would be Renegade. Makes us as paranoids look like rank amateurs."

"I'm sorry, Langly, I don't think this is paranoia talking. I do corporate investigations for a living. I know the climate. I see what's going on. No. This is not my own paranoia or guilt talking here."

"What sort of things? I mean, there's a lot of really nasty stuff going on in the courts-"

"Basically, as you have probably observed, individual civil rights are about to become a thing of the past." Lu looks real old and tired right now. And she's not old. She's only like in her late 40s, she's barely older than Ally, but she's showing it now. "Langly...you've seen it yourself in government work. You lost Sheridan a few months back...have you made any progress on that?"

My turn to be totally embarrassed again. "I haven't. No. I been so busy doing stuff..."

"I know. It's hard. You shouldn't feel guilty."

"Sure he should. He married a Jewish girl. He's a glutton for guilt." Ally grins, a big evil one, and we all laugh. Then she gets serious. "Lu, what sort of things...are you seeing in your business?"

Lu holds a finger to her lips. "I don't want to get into specifics here. I have no idea who might be listening."

Christ. Lu's getting worse than I am. And that's bad.

Renegade comes back with some of the liquid tar that passes for coffee in this place. This neighborhood sucks so bad, they don't even have a Starbucks nearby. But it's hot, and it's got some caffeine in it, and we can all use it right now.

"So, Ally? How's this miserable fuckhead treating you?" He jerks a thumb at me.

"He's a fuckhead, much as ever, thank you." Ally giggles when she says it, though, and she takes my hand, gives it a sturdy squeeze.

"Christ. Juliet. Wouldn't recognize her if she wasn't tagged." Renegade shakes his head at the bandaged up and black and blue figure in the bed. He reads her monitors, peering intently. "Vitals aren't too bad, though. Looks like she'll come out okay."

"She hasn't woken up yet," Ally says softly.

"She will." Renegade seems convinced, and since the guy is like such a pessimist, I feel a little better.

"You guys wanna stay? It's getting sorta crowded in here." We're all like smooshed against the wall, there's like no room in here.

"Yes, I do." Lu looks real sad. "At least for now. Langly, Ally looks exhausted. Shouldn't you take her home?"

"I think we should be here. Let's go out and see Frohike," Ally says.

Too late for that, Frohike and a sort of shaky looking Byers are in the doorway. Wonder what they gave Byers. He looks totally out of it.

"Dude, you're up," I tell him, and he just sort of nods, he can't really talk yet. I think he's real tired and I bet he's in shock. Ally stands up so he can sit down, and Frohike leads him to the chair, I tell Ally to go out on the sofa, and for once she doesn't give me an argument.

I gotta talk to Frohike.
 

FROHIKE:

"What the hell'd they give him?" Langly asks me in a conspiratorial whisper outside the door.

"Valium. He didn't react well."

"Yeah, looks like a zombie."

"As he did before he got the Valium. But at least he slept for four hours."

"Suppose that can't hurt. Anyway, you hanging okay?" He knits his brows together, and Langly, formerly the child sprite of our group...

Looks like a very concerned adult.

I am heartily sorry that Allison lost their child. And for all the pain they have had to go through.

But it has wrought one positive outcome.

Langly is growing up.

He has gone beyond his own agonies and begun to empathize with others.

If nothing else good comes of this, this will be enough.

I am proud of him.

I can't tell him that, of course. He'll laugh, or brush it off as nothing.

I don't know all that has transpired between him and Allison...but I have the suspicion that it carried him further on to maturity.

And maybe ultimately give him some peace.

And for all her distress, both physical and mental, Allison looks strangely at peace today.

Maybe they talked for a change. If so, it's about time.

"Langly. Go to your wife. Take care of her. She needs to rest. We'll take it from here."

"Don't think we should leave."

"Yes, you should. Come back tomorrow. By then, we'll all need a reprieve, and you'll be ready to give it to us."

He would like to dispute me on this, start arguing.

"Langly. I'm so sorry about your child."

I see tears blinking in the light blue eyes. "Yeah, we are too."

"But you have each other."

"Yeah. We do."

"It's more than a lot of people have."

"Yeah. I know."

And for once, I think he does.
 

While I am appreciative of Luanne Russell's concern for her contractor/employee, I think Byers needs to be alone at this time. Juliet's vitals are improving, and I don't think she needs to see anyone other than Byers and her mother when she comes to. I think the fewer people, the better. I tell Byers I will be in the waiting area, and if he needs anything, to come and get me.

He looks at me with some longing, like don't leave me, but I promise I'll be nearby, and I will let Caroline know. This seems to calm him somewhat.

The next task is to coax Luanne and Renegade from the room. Luanne is very reluctant to leave; I think she is heavily ensconced in guilt, which will not help anyone at this point.

I suggest to the two of them that they eat a good meal and return to the waiting area.

With some hesitation, they agree. I recommend an Italian place I know of about a block away.

This is my city. And I know it well.

However, not everyone shares my sentiments...namely, my son, who has shown up with my laptop computer and cursing a blue streak.

"How many fucking one way streets does this miserable fucking city have?" And he's not quiet about his distress, either.

"Michael, keep it down!"

Instead of his usual arguing, he looks mildly chastened. "Sorry. It was just a bitch getting here."

"Where's your young lady?"

"She took Miranda to the movies. We're gonna get pizza when I get back. Which I gotta do, 'cause I got cats to feed and I got to do some articles and start getting July set up, and I got homework. How's the prof? And Juliet?"

"They're...not where they'd like to be."

"No shit, Sherlock. Can I see the prof?"

I guess it wouldn't hurt for him to say hello. He and Byers have become friendlier in recent months...in the beginning, I felt that Byers merely tolerated him for my sake, but these days, he has become one of Michael's defenders.

I watch him tiptoe in the room, and he walks quietly over to Byers. He says nothing, but slips an arm over Byers's shoulders, and just sits quietly with him.

I watch from the doorway. Michael asks him, very softly, if he can get him anything. Byers shakes his head, but does not push my son away.

"Tivvy's fine," Michael tells him, and that brings a tiny smile to Byers's lips. He loves that cat. "I'm gonna go feed her soon and play with her some. She's cool."

What is it about my formerly surly, inconsiderate, irritating son that has taught him to say the right things, to be genuinely caring?

I have no idea...but in recent months, I'm seeing more and more of it...I'm proud of him.

My little boy. He's on his way to being a man.

And he's done it all on his own.

I was there for none of it.

One and a half years ago, I could not have envisioned my son becoming responsible, tender, and considerate. Yet he has done just that.

There are miracles in the world, I marvel, as I wait for another.
 

MICHAEL:

God, never seen the prof look this rough...

I hope Juliet wakes up soon.

Dad says she's getting stronger.

I hope so. I hope he's not jiving me.

He shouldn't jive me anymore. I think I'm a big boy now.

I need to get back to Alexandria. I promised Kelly and Miranda I'd get 'em a pizza, and I got to feed the cats, and there's stuff for TMB July that needs moving on, and I got a paper due in psych.

But I gotta hang here with the prof for a few. I mean, he doesn't need some punk kid hanging around, but he's sort of leaning on me.

I let him do it for a while. Then I tell him, I gotta go.

He just says, "Thanks, Junior."
 

LANGLY:

I put Ally in bed, Kelly and Miranda says Michael's bringing pizza later, which is good, I'll eat with them. Ally's warm, like she's got a fever, and that's not good.

I sit down in bed next to her.

She's so beautiful. She was wearing this cobalt dress she has, it's long and it's real feminine and she put her hair up...and I remember why I thought she was so beautiful in the first place.

Even with a bit of fever blush on her, she's so gorgeously pretty.

I feed her some Tylenols, she's in pain, too, she says it's not that bad, but she looks glad to be in bed.

"Langly? Stay with me?"

Small tired voice, she holds her hands out to me.

"Sure." I have to smile.

I like being needed. Gotta admit it.

"I hope Juliet wakes up soon," she says quietly.

"Frohike says he'll call when she does."

"Okay. Langly...I'm so tired. Please stay here. Don't leave me."

"Ally, I'll stay long as you want."

I rub her lower back, she says it hurts. I'm glad for once she's not trying to be so brave. It's like for once I know where she's really at.

And even if she's hurting, least I know. Maybe I can help her. Not sure what I can do, but I can try.

God, why did we have to go through all this crap to get to this point?

I mean, for once, I know what my wife's going through. She's not being silent and brave and reserved like she always is. I mean, she'll probably always be kind of reserved, but at least she's like, this is what I need, I need you.

I'm glad she needs me. I always wondered.

I sit with her till she's asleep. Miranda pops in, asks if Mommy's okay, and if I'm okay.

I tell her we'll be all right. And I think we will be.

It's not gonna be easy. It still hurts. I wanted to be a daddy so bad.

But then I realize...I am one.

I got a great kid.

"'Randa. C'mere." I call her over.

"What?" She's not sure what I want. I'm not sure what I want.

"'Randa. I love ya. Just wanted you to know."

She's real to herself, like her mom, but she looks up at me, and I think she's got tears in her eyes.

"Thanks, Langly." And she gives me a quick hug around the shoulders.

"Oh, and Langly? Pizza's here. Last one in the living room's a rotten egg."

I race her out, and I beat her, but barely.

I love it when she hisses 'asshole' under her breath.

END OF PART 36