Regia, Crede Mihi, Res Est Succurrere Lapsis
 

MICHAEL:

If Jo is surprised we're in Miranda's room, she doesn't say anything about it. Jo's always been cool about us being a couple. It's Dad that's been so uptight about it.

Jo sits on the edge of the bed, and Kelly's got her head in her lap, and I sit on the other side of her. She's just crying like mad, and we let her.

"I want my mama!" Kelly sobs.

Oh God Kelly, if I could bring back your mama, I would. Whatever I think of her, she's still your mom...and you never even got a chance to set it right with her.

And baby sister, too. Poor, pathetic, brain-dead Tracy...who Kelly loved and cared about. Kelly talked a lot about getting her out when she could take care of her better.

Now she'll never get the chance.

And Jo? Jo's got cancer.

And she's a person Kelly looks up to and trusts a lot.

She lost Dr. Shalad. She lost her mommy. She lost her baby sister. Jo's sick.

She gets on good with Ally and Dr. Scully, but they're not like moms to her. They're more like buds.

Sometimes, I guess you just need a mom.

Sad to say, sometimes when you most need a mom, is when you can't get one.

I think about my own mom. I think she's done a lot of lousy things to me.

But she is trying. And I'm trying. And she is still my mom. And she's still warm and breathing.

I promise then and there, I will set it right with my mom. I got no idea how. But I will.
 

"Jo, when do you have to go for surgery?" I ask her.

"August 14. Not quite two weeks." She just says it calm, quiet. Not like this is gonna be a huge terrifying deal. It has to be. She's got to feel it. But Jo's not gonna dwell on that, not if I know something about her. She's gonna worry about everyone else first. Then she'll worry about herself. I mean, she has to. She's got something real wrong with her...and the only ones in this house that know it are me and Kelly. And herself.

I think it was real rude of Langly and Ally to haul Jo's ass out of bed...then I remember, they don't know what's up with her. And I think Jo wants to keep it that way. I'm sure she's gonna tell them. I mean, it's gonna be sort of obvious in a couple weeks what's gone on. It's not as if you can take off a woman's tit and have nobody notice. And Jo's not exactly one of my dad's downloads, but she's not exactly flat as Ally, either. I wonder if they can give you a fake one.

I'll have to ask my mom. She would know.

Maybe I should call my mom and tell her what happened to Kelly. My mom likes Kelly. I think my mom wants me to marry Kelly-not now, but I think she'd like it if I did someday. She thinks Kelly's good for me, which is more than I can say for my dad. He's still-I don't know. I think he likes Kelly, but he still is sort of funny about us being together. Like we're too young or something.

Course, for my dad, we'll always probably be too young. I wonder if I'm gonna be a little kid forever in his head. I wonder if that's something parents get stuck on. I mean, my mom still calls me Baby. My dad treats me like one. And Ally still calls Miranda Punkin and Babyface and stuff you'd say to a little kid.

Wonder if Patrick's gonna forever be four years old to Langly. He just loves that little dude. He is cute, but it's like, Langly just loves him to bits. Who'd have thought? You watch him, he's up there with this sick little boy, and he's like, it's almost like, he'll do whatever he has to to make sure that the little guy gets all better. I think Langly'd be sick for him if he could.

I'll have to ask my folks about this.

Kelly's an orphan now. I mean, she's not technically-she is an adult in Virginia, she can vote and get married and do everything but drink-but I wonder if you still feel like an orphan when you're a grownup. Langly was with me one night when I had pneumonia, and from what he said, it sounds that way.

We're gonna have to be her family now.

Maybe I should ask her to marry me.

Maybe I should wait a little bit.

Maybe...I don't know. I love her so much, and watching her cry breaks my heart. And there's nothing I can do for her...

I think I'm gonna call my mom a little later.
 

"They're gonna get all the cancer, aren't they?" Kelly's calmer now, and we're talking, still sitting on the edge of Miranda's bed. I think I got about two hours of sleep, and I feel like a zombie.

"I hope so," Jo tries to sound cheerful. "That's why I'm having the surgery I'm having."

"What if they don't get all of it?" Kelly looks real scared. I think she got less sleep than me. She looks wired.

"Well...there's radiation, and chemotherapy...I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. If I come to it." She hugs Kelly. And me. "I think we have other things that need our attention first."

"I...don't know what I'm gonna do about Mom. And Tracy. I don't have any money." Kelly starts crying again.

"They'll probably have to be buried in Potter's Field," Jo says gently. "But that's not important, Kelly. What's important is that you care about them...and I think it's important to have some sort of closure. I think you need to have a service for them."

"I haven't been to church since I was a little girl," Kelly shakes her head.

"What faith were you raised in, dear?" Jo asks her.

"Baptist. But it's like...I really don't have anything to do with it...that would be so weird."

"Can I suggest something? And please don't be offended. You don't have to do this, of course...but in my church, which is also the church Michael was raised in, the Mass of the Resurrection is very lovely...and it provides a way to say goodbye. I can discuss it with the monsignor at my church, if you'd like."

"I don't know...would they do that?" I thought you had to be baptized Catholic to have a Catholic funeral.

"I think they would."

I feel sort of strange. I mean, I don't go to church, haven't for years. I mean, if you ask me what religion I am, I'll say I was brought up Catholic, but that's about as far as it goes.

Still. Maybe it would help. I don't know. I'll leave that up to Kelly and Jo.

"Jo...do you ever think about dying?" Kelly's wondering. I am, too, but I didn't want to say it.

She laughs. "Not really. I got over that when I went to Vietnam. I don't know why, because I saw so much of it there. I know someday I will, but I don't think about it. Not anymore."

"You think my dad ever thinks about it?" I ask her. I really don't know. My dad...he doesn't say much about himself. He really doesn't. Getting info out of him is like pulling teeth. Actually, I think my teeth came easier.

"Melvin? I don't know. He never talks about it. I think he worries, particularly in view of his heart condition, but if he fears it, or looks forward to it, or whatever, he doesn't share it with me. My opinion? Melvin and I are both too busy living to think about dying. There's so much to do, every day when we wake up...thinking about death, well, that's a luxury for philosophers and priests that everyday people don't have."

"Y'know," I say, "sometimes, there's so much going on around us...and then I get all bogged down in trying to just get through the day, it's like, I lose sight of it...it's hard to keep global when you're stuck in local mode."

"The two aren't exclusive to each other, Michael," she says gently. "And getting through the day is sometimes a bigger accomplishment than you think."

"I dunno. Everyone seems to do it somehow."

"You do what you have to. Just because everyone does it, doesn't diminish the importance of it."

"I would've liked to have done right by my mama before she..." Kelly's trying not to cry again. I rub her back gently.

"Kelly, you did what you had to. I'm sure your mother loved you as much as she was able to...it just might not have been what you needed. And it was dangerous for you to stay there, dear. You had to get out. You shouldn't waste a moment's time feeling guilty about that."

Daylight's starting to creep in the room. No clouds this morning. I can feel the heat. Wonder if all of August is gonna be as hot as July.

"What're you gonna do, Jo?" I'm wondering about this.

She smiles at me. "What am I going to do? I'm going to go home, take a shower, go to work, do what needs doing there, run my support group tonight, call your father and talk to him, and then I'm going to go on-line and find the most beautiful cocktail dress I can." She gives a wicked grin. "Your father promised me a formal outing before I have to go to single-breasted status...and I plan to enjoy it."

Kelly actually smiles at that one. "Like New Year's Eve?"

Jo smiles. "Like New Year's Eve. But this time, I'm going to go for cleavage...and backless."

I laugh. "You're gonna let my dad go out in that tux again?"

"Michael, he looks very dapper in that tux!"

I think he looks like the Penguin in Batman...but hey, if it makes her happy...

Jo rises off the bed. "I need to get home, kids. I need to be a bit publicly presentable to go to work, and without a shower, that's not going to happen. Kelly, I will call you later. Are you going in to work?"

"Should I?" She looks confused.

Jo nods. "I think you should. Give you something to press your back against. If you stay around here, all day long, you're going to be miserable. You'll probably not be concentrating all that well at work, but I'm sure Dr. Scully will cut you plenty of slack. She's lost family members, too. And in terrible circumstances as well. She'll be a great support if you let her."

"I don't know...sometimes I'm kind of intimidated by Dr. Scully," Kelly says.

"Don't be. She really means well, and she'll be a great ally, Kelly. You'll see." She gives us each a hug. "Michael, I think what you should do is arrange for burial-if that's okay with Kelly-and I'll contact my monsignor. How do you feel about that, Kelly?"

"That...that'd be good," she says, and she's trying so hard not to sniff.

"All right. Now you two, get going. You've got a busy day ahead of you." She closes the door softly, and I wrap my arms around Kelly.
 

"How...does she do that?" Kelly asks, she's crying a little. Not the horrible sobs of before, just sad little weeping. My heart is about to crack in half.

"Do what?"

"Just...go on."

"I dunno. She just does. All the time."

"I mean, here, she's got breast cancer, but she gets a call in the middle of the night, and she just comes over like it's the most normal thing in the world..."

"That's Jo."

"Michael, I don't know what I'm gonna do if they don't make her well...she's like...I don't know to explain it..."

"Sort of like a mom?"

"Yeah."

"Speaking of moms, you mind if I call mine? She might want to be here."

"Don't bother her, Michael, she's probably busy, and she doesn't even know my people."

"Doesn't matter. She knows you. I bet she'd come."

"Well...if you don't mind...she was real nice to me when you were sick..."

"I'll call her in a little while."

She throws back her head, coughs, and gulps back whatever tears she's got left. "I need to take a shower."

"You want some company?"

She shakes her head no. "I'm going to be late...but please be here when I get home?"

"I'll be here. Promise."

She wraps her little body around me. "God, Michael, I would die without you."

I think I might without her, too.
 

LANGLY:

Ally's decided we all need to eat-and when a Jewish mom decides you need food, you don't argue with her.

Besides, I smell blueberry pancakes. And Ally's are awesome. Bryce has no idea what kind of treat he's in for. She makes these puppies that are like so fluffy and they just melt when they hit your mouth...killer.

I have to carry Patrick with my good arm. The other one really hurts. A lot. And my fingers are kind of puffy. How the fuck am I gonna type today...

How the fuck am I gonna work? I can't see!

"Ally, I can't go to work. My glasses are gone."

"Wear your contacts."

"My eyes'll die!"

"Wear them anyway. And make an eye appointment."

"Can you do that?"

"Langly, you know how to dial a phone!"

"Yeah, but you do it so much better."

She sighs. "Whatever. I'll do it. But don't skip out on it, you understand?"

"Like I'm gonna not go to an eye appointment. I gotta see."

"Langly, you're really good at conveniently forgetting appointments."

"Only when it involves vampires."

She laughs. "You're such a baby sometimes. Speaking of which, how're you doing, little one?" She kneels down by Patrick, who's starting to wake up.

"'Kay." First thing he's said in hours. Usually soon as he's up, he's running, and running off at the mouth.

"How about you try and eat something?" She's in Jewish-mom mode, and there's no escape.

"Don't wanna!" He's still not feeling so great.

"Well, then drink some juice." She pours him some OJ. Which he promptly spills all over me.

Big deal. I haven't taken a shower yet, anyway.

Hey, at least he's awake, and he's more or less okay. He still feels warm, but not like last night.

"You gotta take him to the pediatrician," I remind her.

"I think I have to find a new one first. He managed to trash the entire waiting area in the one we went to yesterday."

"That little guy?" Bryce is like, no way.

"Yes, that little guy," Ally sighs, giving him-and me-each a kiss on the head.

"No way."

"Hey, you haven't seen El Destructo in action," I tell him.

"It's reminiscent of Langly in action," Ally quips. I whack her lightly on the behind as she walks by. It's a really nice ass, by the way. She thinks it's too big, but I don't.

"So I'll take your car," I say to her.

"Not a chance, babe. I need it."

"So how's we supposed to get to work?"

"Remember the Metro?" I think she's got a wicked grin on her face.

"Unfortunately, yes."

"Well, if you take my car, anyway, how will you get yours home?"

Good point. It's not for nothing I have a PhD.

So why can't I figure these things out? Why does all the little stuff just go right over my head? I can solve a complex differential equation that would blow most people right out of the water...I can break code that looks totally impenetrable...I can get into the most secure systems in the world and not be traced.

So why can't I figure out how to get my car home, how to get a new pair of glasses, how to take care of the little guy? Good thing Ally cooks. I'd be totally lost if I had to. When she busted her arm, we ate a lot of takeout and relied on the kindness of friends to feed us.

Why can't I organize my own life?

I'm such a pathetic fuckup.

"Patrick, c'mon, these are Ally's blueberry pancakes, try one," I'm trying to get him to eat. Maybe he'll feel better if he eats something. I know I will.

"Don't wanna!"

"You're missing something good," Bryce tells him, but Patrick's not buying into it. He shakes his head.

I finish the last of what's on my plate. "Think I got to get in the shower."

"No!" Patrick doesn't want me to get up.

"Yes," I try to move him off my lap, and he's not budging. How can a little kid be this strong?

"No, no, no!" He starts crying again. Ah fuck. Nothing like pushing my buttons.

And I know he's doing it, and I can't help it, anyway.

Seen Ally go through this a million times with Miranda.

She picks up Patrick, who's yowling again that he doesn't want me to go, and doesn't want anyone else holding him, apparently.

"Sweetheart, Langly has to go to work," Ally tells him gently.

"No!"

"Yes." She carries him off into the living room.

God...I should just call in...I should stay with him...I mean, after last night and all...

"You want me to stay home with him?" I ask Ally.

She shakes her head. "No. He'll start to get the idea that all he has to do is throw a tantrum, and we'll give in. I've made that mistake once already." She gives a rueful grin.

Ah yes. Miranda.

Still, Ally doesn't back down on everything with her. When we first got it together, Miranda was kind of pissed and all...but Ally was like, too fucking bad.

Bryce looks over at me. "You tell me. Why the hell do people want kids, dude?"

I shrug. "Beats the hell out of me."

All I know is, somehow, we do.
 

In the shower, I'm thinking, for some God-unknown reason, about one of my philosophy classes in college. My ethics class, actually. I must really be tired to start thinking about something like that. But Ally's not in here with me, so that sort of rules out things we normally like to do while wet.

I got an A in the class, mostly because I figured out early on what the professor was looking for. You know what they want, just spew it back at them, get your 'A', and move the hell on.

He used to talk about notions of justice and fairness and equity. All of it predicated upon mutual agreement between two rational parties.

Obviously he, and the dead white guys we read in class, never stayed up all night caring for a sick kid. Or had a best friend's son turn up homeless on his doorstep. Or have anyone sit up with you all night because you just got out of rehab and you're too scared to go to sleep alone. Or run out to do some funky poaching in a creepy Pennsylvania hospital because the woman one of your friends is in love with is trapped there. Or end up spending the night in a jail in East Baltimore because you got suckered into helping someone do something...and the list goes on.

Rational acts? I'm not sure.

But important ones. At least to my mind.

Is there even justice, or fairness, or equity? I'm not sure. I mean, look at me and Ally. I expect her to do everything. This is mostly because I'm useless, but I need her to do it. I'm screwed if she doesn't. If I were really a rational creature, I'd try to learn to deal with this stuff myself...uh huh. Sure. And she does it. It's like, we have a deal, but it's not a deal most of the time you could even quantify. Or even define. Is that equitable? I doubt it. But we make it work.

Fairness? Taking care of kids? Any fairness in that? No way. It needs doing. They need you more than you need them, so you put out more. It's just the way it is.

Justice? I've given up on that one. I don't think there is any. Not in this world, anyway. But we look for it regardless. I think if we stop looking for it, we'll be like sharks that stop swimming. We'll just die. I mean, Kelly's family dying on her. That's not justice. And there isn't going to be any for her. But somehow, she'll find a way to live with it. She'll keep swimming.

Just like all of us keep swimming.

A lot of times, the water feels dark and murky and full of all sorts of terrible things you can't see. Sometimes, though, it's clear and warm and everything is full of color, like in the reefs off Cozumel...where me and Ally still have tickets we have to use sometime before next March...

Vacation. Maybe I'll put in a request for one. I could use a vacation.

Who'm I gonna put it into?

Me. I'll put it into myself. I giggle over this thought.

Besides, I just realize it's one week till Ally's birthday. August 8. One week from today.

I think, let's make it a good day, for a change.

END OF PART 89