Pro Patria, Pro Liberis, Pro Aris Atque Focis Suis Certare
 

MICHAEL:

August 8, 2001

Today's Ally's birthday, she's 46 and she doesn't care who knows it.

I look like her at 46, I won't care, either.

Life's been sucky this week. That's for sure.

But tonight, we're putting it on hold. Sometimes you just got to do that.

We're all just hanging by the pool, drinking and stuffing our faces. Dad's barbecuing. And I never knew it, but he's awesome at it. Figures. He's a good cook anyway, just didn't know he could do it over open flames.

I raced Langly and clobbered him. As usual.

I raced the prof. Guess what? I lost.

That's okay. I'll beat him yet.

Mulder wants to race me. Says if I don't race him he's gonna put on the red speedos. His wife is flinching big time. We all got to hear the red speedo story. We got a lot of giggles out of that one. Even Kelly gets laughs tonight. She's been real quiet the last couple days. I don't blame her. This is tough.

I've been staying with her at night. Just as well. Juliet and the prof are still in my bed. I think Dad's getting a little stressed.

Mom and Carl went home yesterday. It was actually real nice to have them around. Surprise. Mom was real good to Kelly. She even gave her a hug when she left and she told Kelly she could call her anytime. Which flipped me out. And made me a little uncomfortable. I'm not sure I'm ready to have my girlfriend and my mom talking. Particularly about me.

It's a good party, but one thing's weird: Agent Ellen and her family didn't come. Ally says she usually gets e-mail every week from Agent Ellen, but she hasn't gotten any in over two weeks. And when she tried to call she got no answer.

But everyone else is here. I been playing in the water with Becca and Sarah and Patrick. They all think I'm great. Nice to have a fan club.

Maybe I ought to do something with kids. Seems like I piss them off a lot less than I do anybody else.

I don't know. I'm gonna have to make up my mind this year. Last year of junior college. Then it's the real thing.

Least Kelly knows what she wants to do. Mom and Carl talked to me a little bit about it, mostly to tell me I got to pull myself together.

Well, duh!

Langly's sitting by me. He's been sort of quiet. I guess losing a brother and a sister in one summer is bad news for anyone. I don't know that he's real depressed about losing Scott. I know he is about Joan. And maybe that both of them went so close together, that's hard.

But Patrick and Ally and Miranda still make him smile. Particularly the little guy.

"You okay, dude?" I nudge him.

"Yeah, I'm cool."

He doesn't look so hot right now.

"Work hanging okay?" I ask him.

He shakes his head. "Don't wanna think about that right now. It's Ally's day. Don't wanna spoil it for her."

"Well, hell, you gave her a good party."

"Yeah, well, least I could do for her."

"Hey, Frohike Junior? Ready to get your ass kicked?" Mulder interrupts us.

"No, but are you?" I bet I can take him out. Hell, dude's gonna be 40 in October.

We're not letting that one go by. We're already planning it. Mulder, it's gonna be payback time.

In the meantime, time to get an early start.
 

That fuckrag! He beat me!

Worse, he beat me in front of an audience!

I am horribly depressed. I'm gonna really have to work harder. 200 laps a day is not hitting it. Not when you get creamed by two old guys in one night!

But Kelly kissed me, anyway. And says I'm always a winner with her.

She looks absolutely tasty in that bikini.

We go over and sit near Jo. She's in her suit. She and my dad are going dancing tomorrow night. She showed us her dress. Didn't know Jo would ever go for anything so sexy, but she's making the most of her last days as she is now, I guess. And she's laughing with everyone and drinking beer and just being like nothing's wrong with this picture.

Guess you can't be miserable all the time. Even when everything sucks, sometimes you just gotta have fun.

Mulder grabs Dr. Scully, who's wearing this black one-piece that looks like a racing suit, not real sexy or anything-except on her. She truly is hot. Dr. Scully is truly evidence that some women don't get older, they just get better. She's like, Mulder! But I think that's just the way she is when people are around. I think she'd die for that dude. My dad says she nearly has, a few times.

Kelly's giving me that look. I melt.

I wonder if we could slip out unnoticed.

I'm gonna make that bastard give me a rematch. Later. Right now I'm kind of tired. And I could use a beer.

Kelly comes in with me, everyone sees me heading for the kitchen, and Ally and Langly and Dad all want one, too. We can each carry two.

"How're you doing there, Kel?" I ask her gently.

"I'm surviving. This is nice. I needed a night like this." She smiles.

"Probably gonna end early. Everyone's gotta work tomorrow."

"I know." She winces. "It's so hard right now...it's like I can't concentrate. Dr. Scully is being really nice about it, though. She says she's lost family and she knows what it's like."

She's lost family in pretty bad ways, according to my dad. But Kelly doesn't need to know this right now. I think it'd make her feel worse.

I kiss her, tenderly. "I love you, you know."

She throws her arms around me. "I love you so much, Michael. I think right now you're the only reason I'm hanging on."

"Ah, that's not true. You got school, and work, and everybody likes you."

"I know. But it's...I don't know. Michael, if I tell you something, will you promise not to get freaked out?"

"I'll do my best."

We're alone in the kitchen of Chateau Langly. Not the most private place in the world, since anyone could come racing in here at the moment, but for now, we've got it to ourselves.

"Michael, I'd really like to have a baby."

I was holding two beers. They're now a mess of glass and foam on the kitchen floor.

I only said I'd do my best...I didn't promise I wouldn't.

I grab for the paper towels, and she bends down to help me.

This is not what I was expecting.

She looks at me. "What do you think?"

Wow. What do I think?

This is gonna take me a minute. At least.

"Well...I don't think we should have kids till we get married." Sorry, I'm a Frohike. I don't think you should just randomly populate.

"Maybe we should."

"Kel, listen to me...we got no money, no place to live-and you better believe if I got married, my dad wouldn't let us stay with him. He's like, when you do that, you're supposed to be ready to live like adults."

She looks at me mutely. I think she's gonna cry. I don't want her to cry.

Oh God. Don't they have a manual for guys somewhere where you can look this up?

"Kel, man, I'd really like to...but I don't even know what I'm gonna major in yet...and you got so many years of school left...I just think we...I think we should wait."

"But you'd like to do it."

"Really. I would." And to tell the truth, I would. I would like to have a family, and I would like to have one with Kelly.

But now?

Oh man. I don't even have a car that runs reliably. I haven't picked my major. I don't know where I'm going to school next year. I'm so broke right now I can't afford to pay attention.

"Kel, I love you. I do wanna marry you. Someday. But right now...we're just not there. And I mean, I know you're like real lonely without your family, and I'd be too, and we're all trying to be there for you...Kel, I can't do that yet."

She looks at me sadly. Oh fuck. I said the wrong thing, didn't I?

"I'm just...Michael, I am so sad...I never even had a chance to set things straight with my mom...and now I'll never get the chance..." she's starting to sob again.

I put my arms around her. I hug her, hard. So she knows I'm there, and I care, and I hear her.

"Yeah, but Kel, being a mom, it's not the same as having a mom."

"I'm so scared, Michael...I'm so afraid of everyone around me dying..."

"Seems reasonable, in view of the summer we've had."

A season in hell. There was some poet who wrote a volume by that name. Can't think of it right now. Dad probably knows. I'll ask him.

"I need something that's life, not death."

"Kelly." I take her face in my hands. Her eyes are so sad. I could burst out crying myself right now. "We're life. We're here. We're doing the best we can."

"I just feel so dead myself!" She's crying now. She leans her head into my chest.

"You told Dr. Scully, or anyone else, you feel like this?"

"Yeah." She sniffs out the word.

"What's she say?"

"She says you have to feel like that for a while...but I don't know. Do I?"

"Think so." I don't know. Just seems sort of logical. You lose something major in your life, and something you got unfinished business with...yeah, you're gonna feel bad.

"I wake up in the morning, Michael, and just before I wake up, I think everything's gonna be all right...and then it's like there's this wall, and I can't get over it, can't get under it, can't get around it, can't get through it. It's like I have to live behind this wall. And I think the only way I could live there is if we could have a child."

"I don't think that's true, Kel. I know it's not. You'll get through the wall. You always have. Always. You know, when I was first with you, I was always amazed, because you seemed like you were so tough. And you know what? You are. You probably don't feel like it, but you are."

I stroke her ponytail. She is so adorable. What I wouldn't do to make her happy right now...

But it's time to put on the brakes.

"Kel, I love kids, you know that. But let's try to get through school first. I mean, at least undergrad. Then I should have a job, and things will get better. You'll be in med school. It'll be happening. Right now...I just can't take care of you and me the way I should. But I will. Someday. All I'm saying is, let me at least get my act together here so I can at least take care of myself and you." I don't know what med school costs, but I'm guessing it's somewhere in the area where winning the lottery would help a lot. Preferably the Power Bowl.

And I'm gonna be the one paying for it. I've at least got to have some way of doing it.

"I love you so much, Kel. Be with me. Be with me forever. Just...I'm not ready for kids, Kelly. Doesn't mean I don't love you."

"I know." She's sobbing a little. "I'm sorry...I feel like an idiot-"

"No, I'm glad you told me." Even if it did blow me away, I'm still glad she did. I want her to tell me stuff. Langly says getting Ally to say stuff is like having to get out the old crowbar. I don't want Kelly like that with me.

And it sort of makes me feel good that she feels the way about me I do about her. That she's not planning to tell me, so long sucker, it's been real.

Looks like we're in it for the long haul.

We've been together seven months...is that all? It feels like longer sometimes.

All I know is, I hardly even remember what it was like without her. I mean, I remember, but it's like she's so much in my life now, I don't even know what it'd be like without her. And I don't wanna know.

If I had the money...well, first thing I'd do, I'd buy her a ring. Sorry. It's a Frohike thing. You ask a girl to marry you, you buy her a ring. And you buy her a home. And you pay for med school, if that's what she wants.

I have got to get my shit together here.

I'm also thinking, I think we got like three condoms left. I'm gonna try to get some more...but it's getting hard to do. It's not like you can travel around to different pharmacies and lie about it, either. Everything's on line, and you're tracked. Things are getting so scary.

I don't want kids in a world like this.

What am I gonna do to make it different?

What are we all gonna do?

Things are such a mess. Next thing you know, we'll have a morals police.

What does our government think this is, fucking Saudi Arabia?

I almost can't watch TV anymore. We have to, we have to know what's being said out there so we can verify it against information we get for the magazine, but it makes me nauseous.

I mean, if these jokers think that by making contraceptives harder to get, they're gonna get people-particularly young ones-from having sex, they've got another thing coming.

It's weird. It's like, they want people to have more kids. But they don't want people who aren't married having kids, but they won't give them the means not to have them. And they sure as hell don't want poor people having kids. Or minorities. And if you have an accident, it's damn near impossible to get an abortion anymore. They haven't outlawed it yet, but they keep passing laws, in every state, in Congress, that chips away at your right to choose when and how you have your family.

Pisses me off. Big time.

No, on both the macro level, and the micro level, I want kids when I think the time's right, and I want to raise them the way I think is right. I don't want anyone telling me that I have to have a certain number of them, and I have to do it a certain way.

"Michael? You're awfully quiet." Kelly runs her hands down my back. She's got such nice hands. Soft hands. Strong hands.

She's gonna be okay.

"Just thinking."

"About what?"

"About how fucked up things are all around us."

"Yeah."

"You don't wanna bring a kid into the world when things are like this."

"We're just two people. How do we make it better?"

"I dunno. We just do what we can do, I guess."

She hugs me, and I hug her.

"Speaking of things to do, Kel, there's an old dude out there who's ass I still gotta kick."
 

I beat Mulder this time, but not by much. He says next time he's wearing the red speedos because he gets less drag.

"Mulder, you can't do that," his wife tells him firmly.

"Why not?" He signs back to her. He's real good about that. Whenever he's talking to someone, he always keeps signing, so she knows she's part of it. That's gotta be hard, but he always keeps her in the conversation, even if he's not really talking to her. But I think he does it without even thinking about it now.

"Because, you're far too well-endowed," she gives this evil grin.

I think Dr. Scully's had a few beers...

Mulder waggles his eyebrows at her. He doesn't speak this time, but he signs something to her, and she gives him this appalled look.

They do, however, bail out five minutes later.
 

Having humiliated Mulder, I feel like I can take it easy now. Everybody's hanging on the deck of the pool, totally mellow. Even Patrick's gone to sleep in Langly's lap. I think we might have actually worn the little dude out. He seems to have recovered from last week without incident.

People are pretty silly by now, there's been a lot of beer chugged down. More than a few hangovers in the morning in this crowd.

My dad's been real quiet tonight. I mean, he usually is, but he's even more quiet than normal. I don't think he's said anything since dinner was served.

The prof, though, is a little drunk, and he gets kind of crazy and talkative when he's had a few. Apparently staying with my dad, it's sort of a nightly ritual right now. They sit up and drink.

My dad knows how to do that kind of heavy lifting, but I think the prof's a lightweight still.

"Jo, you really look marvelous," the prof says to her. I mean, Jo looks pretty good, particularly considering she's in her fifties. And the suit she has on, well, does her justice. I'll admit that.

"Well, John, I figure, I have to enjoy it while I can," she smiles, but it's a little bit sad.

"Jo, you'll always look good," Ally assures her. I wince.

Jo shakes her head. "I haven't told many people yet...but I think I should, since it's going to be pretty obvious in a few days. I'm having surgery next Wednesday."

"Aw, man, hope it's not serious," Langly pipes in, slugging down another beer. He's gonna be in pain in the morning.

Serves him right.

"Well...I'm having a mastectomy," Jo says, in her usual I'm-talking-about-the-weather voice.

Ally looks horrified. "What?"

Jo shrugs. "I have breast cancer."

Dead silence. It's like so weird.

"It's not as if it's the end of the world," she tells everyone, and maybe she's trying to convince herself of that. "And I feel I have an excellent chance for them to get all of it, so just relax. Let's not everyone get all upset before we know what's really going on."

Typical Jo speech.

"When'd you find out?" Juliet looks real upset. This seems to be hitting the women hard.

Well, duh!

"About a week ago. I had a biopsy."

"Jo, that's terrible!" Juliet and Ally both look real shaken. I think we hit some nerves here.

Maybe Jo's timing could have been better...but this party was winding down, anyway. And she's got to tell people.

"What can we do?" Langly asks. And he means it.

"What can you do? You can stop acting like this is a tragedy, for one," Jo says firmly. "I didn't tell everyone to get them upset. I told everyone because it will be a little hard to conceal the fact when I look like Dolly Parton on one side and Kate Moss on the other."

And everyone cracks up, even Dad.

She looks off into the distance. "When I was in junior high, everyone accused me of stuffing my bra." Well, Jo is pretty well-endowed, and probably was early on. "Now they'll be right." We laugh again.

"So you'll get a prosthesis?" Juliet asks her.

"That at first. And then, I may consider reconstruction, but I'll take it one step at a time. First things first." That's so Jo.

God, I hope she's right...that once the surgery's done, it will be like normal life again.

I need her to get well. My dad needs her to get well. Kelly needs her to get well.

We all do. Because we all need each other.

It's kind of scary how much we do. How hard we all lean on each other.

I'm kind of scared how much I depend on these people. I keep thinking, I should be able to do more stuff for myself.

But it seems like we all do it. Like we all somehow know we can't do everything ourselves.

Ally smiles gently at everyone. "Okay, people. It's late, tomorrow's a workday, and...I have a birthday present to collect." She winks at Langly, who leers back at her.

"I gather that's our signal to get lost," the prof says, finishing off his beer.

"You got it. But y'all come back now, you hear?" Ally's a little drunk-no, I think she's a lot drunk. And silly.

We always come back.

END OF PART 94