"During this meditation a heavy surge
was taking him, in fact, straight on the rocks."

"The Odyssey," Fitzgerald Translation. Book 5, Lines 443-444. Used without permission.
 

ALLY:

It's pushing 10:00. No Langly.

Shit!

I don't like it when I get like this. It goes like this: concerned, irritated, worried, angry, frantic.

I'm bordering on frantic now.

This is not like him. He's usually good about letting me know what's up, even when I don't know what's really up. Translation: if he's doing something that's, well, less than lawful, he makes certain I don't know the particulars.

Fine with me.

I'm not saying he's the most considerate man that ever lived, but he's also not the most negligent, and this is one level where he's not negligent.

So what the fuck is going on?

Patrick's not doing well with this. He's usually in bed by now-and the way we get him there, Langly usually takes him in the recliner and sits with him until he crashes out. I'm trying to rock him, but it's not the same thing to him, and he'll alternate with periods where I think he's almost down for the count, only to flash those pale blue eyes open and demand Langly.

I could use another beer, but it's sort of difficult with a small, somewhat wiggly kid in your lap. And I'd rather keep trying to get him to sleep. I know he's tired. His eyes keep closing and that white head nods. He won't let himself succumb, though.

Finally. A familiar four-cylinder engine (never paid much attention before, but Michael has enlightened me on this subject). I let out a sharp breath, and try not to wake my - hell, what should I call him?

I just call him my son because it's expedient. And that's what I think of him as, anyway.

Forget it. Those small ears miss nothing. I know this because the vocabulary he's picked up reflects ours-which is to say, atrocious.

He's off my lap like a shot and headed for the kitchen door, which is the easiest ingress from the driveway. We can distinguish between visitors and family easily-family uses the kitchen door. Only guests use the front door.

We have a lot of non-Langlys that use the kitchen door only, but hell, they're family, too.

I'm tempted to launch into a diatribe, but I think I should at least hear what happened first. Then go after him.

He looks exhausted. The pale eyes are rimmed in red, and the healthy shot of pink in his face he got over the weekend seems to have faded into a light, unhealthy gray. But he does pick Patrick up, albeit less enthusiastically than usual, and leans over to kiss me. I put my arm around them both.

"I'm starved." This is a pretty typical sentiment from Langly upon arrival-forget about arrival. Anytime, this is common.

"I'll heat. Maybe you could get this monster to sleep?" I suggest.

"I'm not sleepy!" This protest is accompanied by a yawn bigger than the boy it comes out of.

"Uh-huh. Sure. Ally, get me a beer, would ya?"

I get one for myself as well. I somehow get the feeling that the extra lubrication will be welcome.

"How'd it go, or shouldn't I ask?" I inquire, handing him the beer into the hand that's not cuddled around Patrick, who is already fast asleep. That took long.

He holds up a hand. "Not now. Just wanna relax a little."

Fair enough. Once we're assured Patrick will not pop open those eyes again, we settle him in bed, and whatever's left of this evening is finally ours.
 

He doesn't say anything until I'm scraping off the dishes.

"This might get to be a habit, Ally."

"What might?"

"Me getting home late."

"They say that to you?"

"Yep. I get to leave when they decide I can. Sucks."

"What're you working on?"

Shake of the vanilla-colored head. "Don't wanna go into that right now. I'm not even real sure myself, tell the truth."

He asks for another beer, one of my cigarettes, and he's silent again.

"I wish I knew a hell of a lot more about what the fuck Scott was up to all these years."

"We have some stuff from him. They finally released it. They're filing the case as unsolved."

"Figures. They don't wanna solve it, Ally. Nobody does. Wait a minute, you said you got some stuff? When? How come you didn't tell me?"

"It came just last week, and you were swamped."

"You could've told me." There's a sharp edge in the voice that makes me
uncomfortable.

"Langly, don't start. It's late. We're both tired. I'm starting to feel kind of lousy with this cold." I felt fine until later in the day; I think when I started to get tired, I went downhill a bit. By tomorrow, I should be fine.

I don't think he's got the energy to argue. I know I don't. He's quiet again.

"Wanna know what the worst part is?"

"All right."

"Guess who my new boss is?"

"Wait...not him."

"Yeah, him. Zupan-prick. God, what an asshole!"

"What'd he do?"

Another shake of the head. "Please. I've been humiliated only once today. That was constantly. I just don't wanna go into it."

I'm not going to prod. I think in guy-speak this translates to: I'm really upset, I don't want to discuss it, I'll figure out on my own how to deal with it. Don't bug me.

"Feel like going to bed?"

He smiles weakly. "Yeah, I do. But you know something? All I wanna do is sleep."

I could deal with that tonight. I nod.

"Tuck me in?" He looks so like Patrick, and just about as old right now.

I slip an arm around his waist. "Sure."

I hope he gets some peace in the darkness tonight.
 

I treat him to a back massage, with baby lotion, and that seems to calm him sufficiently so that he's asleep fairly soon. Either that, or sheer exhaustion declared victory.

He's curled up with his head buried in my shoulder, making small soft noises. I stroke the creamy hair and run my hands over his shoulders. He's got lovely skin to touch.

Usually, having his warmth pressed up against me is enough to relax me into a deep sleep, but tonight, despite feeling very tired and having a cold that's getting nastier by the moment, I'm having some difficulty here.

I think it might be another long winter...

And it's not even autumn yet.
 

MICHAEL:

Jesus Christ! This class is gonna be a bitch, my bio class.

I can't believe all the shit we have to know by Wednesday...unreal. And it's not like I could bullshit my way through all this, either. This is like, you know it or you don't.

God, I'm doomed.

"Kelly, how do you keep all this crap straight?" It's like 11:00 and we're both still studying, really. We haven't pawed each other yet all night, this should tell you something.

"Mnemonics."

Okay, I can do mnemonics...but what kind of mnemonics? I only know about like programming mnemonics...this is like, I can't just memorize shit!

"They say it's not as bad when you get to Bio 4...only thing is, Johnson's the only one that teaches 4, so it's a hard class, so I'll get her. But they say you don't have to memorize as much after the first three sections." She's in 3 right now.

Great. I'm in one. I only have to get through 1, 2 and 3 and not die in the process.

Wait a minute. I don't have to take the whole fucking sequence...hell, I'm supposed to graduate and move to upper division the end of this year. If I don't fuck up in the process.

I have visions of my GPA going straight to hell. And that happens, I'm gonna get real bummed, and my dad is gonna kill me.

Oh, fuck him! I doubt he's even thinking about me right now!

I could drop this class...but then I'd get behind on graduation, and I'm not in the mood to do that. I'd like to get done fast as possible. Also, it'd be a real wussy thing to do.   Like say you can't do it or something. I think I'd rather die than admit that.

The way things are going right now, could happen.

"Hey Kel," I turn to her. "You know...like the other night...when we sort of had an accident?" Sort of? Oh Christ.

"Yeah?"

"Um...well...Ally says...she'll help us out if anything happens."

She looks pissed. "You went and told Ally?"

"Hey, Ally's got a tight lip. And we were just talking."

"She tells Langly stuff, and then everybody knows it!"

God, everybody hates me these days.

"She won't tell him this." I hope. I don't think she would. I mean, they've got enough other stuff to deal with...

"She better not!"

"Look, Kel, I'm sorry, I-"

"Michael, let's get something straight here. If 'anything,' as you put it, should happen, I don't plan to 'do something' about it, except have it!"

I was afraid of this...

"Kelly, how're you gonna finish college? Go to med school? And take care of a kid?"

"I can do it. And so can you."

Okay, wait a minute here...

Maybe she's got this I am woman, I am invincible, hear me roar thing going on, but I sure as hell don't.

"Michael, if I'm pregnant, I'm not having some back-alley abortion...you can be sure of that."

Her big blue eyes blaze fierce. This look she gets scares the hell out of me.

"And thanks to the stupidity of the American public and the assholes in power, that's the only kind I could get these days!"

"What if Ally could like send us someplace where it was still legal?"

"You mean like Sweden? You're kidding, Michael."

"I'm not." Actually, I got no idea where you can get a legal one...I'll have to go on the web and look that up.

"Michael. The way I see it, if I'm pregnant, we were meant to have this child. And don't you feel anything? I mean, Michael, this would be us! Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

Well, yeah, it does...but it's just such a sucky time...

"It's not very convenient right now, Kel."

"And when is it ever?"

"Some times are better than others."

"Probably. But if you wait till times are perfect, then you never get it done. I learned that when I fell for you!" She looks over at me, and her eyes are real big. "Michael, I swore to myself, there was no way I was gonna fall for a guy while I was an undergrad...and look what happened. But I still have my grade point average, and I've got probably a better job than I could ever get otherwise...and I have you."

She has no idea how much.

"Michael, I love you so much..." she looks like she's gonna cry.

I drop my book and put an arm around her.

"I'm scared, you know," I tell her.

"Well, I am too! Don't you think I am? I mean, I'm the one that would have to do the pregnancy even if you went to Rio or something!"

Is abortion legal in Rio?

"I just...it's like, part of me is like, oh please God, don't let this be happening, the other part is...well, it's like you and it's me...and it would be...sort of nice."

I think it might be nicer some other time myself.

"Kel, I can't even afford my stupid car, let alone a kid!"

"People manage, Michael."

"Yeah. But it's so fucking hard."

She thinks about that. "We don't know yet. We're going to have to wait a couple more weeks anyway...I'm trying not to think about it...but I do..."

And all of a sudden, she's crying.

"I'm so scared if I get pregnant, you'll just run away and leave me here...and if I'm not, you'll still figure I'm not worth it-"

That's bullshit.

"Kel, whatever happens, don't you know, I'll hang with you, I really will."

"Easier said than done."

"Yeah, but I'd do it."

I got no idea why, but I have a real weird thought...I decide in that moment that not only am I not gonna drop my bio class...I'm gonna get a fucking A in it.

Survival is not enough. Triumph might be.
 

August 27, 2001

Tuesday's my easiest day. No lab, no calc class, just two lectures and tutoring doesn't start till tomorrow, we had the meetings yesterday, so it's noon and I am on my way out the door. I better enjoy it. This is gonna be one short lived break.

I should go and see Dad. Might be good. It's daytime, he's probably not so tired and crabby, and the best part is, SHE probably isn't there. Maybe he won't be such a bastard to me.

It feels almost cool today-we finally got below 100. High today of only 92, and it's like paradise.

I need a car with air conditioning.

Hell, I need a car that I don't have to cross my fingers every time I go to start it that it's not gonna lie there like some dead skunk in the middle of the road. Driving has become a high anxiety activity for me.

I wonder, if Kelly's okay, and we don't need the money to take care of the...problem, if Ally would let me have some for a car. She offered once. Maybe the offer's still good...

I luck out. Starts on the second try, which is pretty good for the old girl. She's running rough, though. I love this car, I mean, there's nothing like a classic 'Stang, but I don't have the time you need to baby this baby.

And Kelly thinks we could raise a kid?

Is she nuts?

I'm having a hard time here. I can't live without her...and I'm not real happy with her at the moment. In fact, I'm kind of pissed off at her. She just won't get it in her head, I'm not ready!

Be nice if I could talk to Dad about it...not that he'd know what to do, seeing as he hasn't exactly been Mr. Lucky in the love department, but he could at least not go ballistic every time I get a problem.

Dad's sitting up-this is good. First time I've seen him do it in days. Maybe he's in a better mood...

Oh fuck! It's HER!

What the fuck is she doing here? I mean, I thought she had a JOB. And I don't mean taking care of Dad.

"Michael."

"Hi." I'm suddenly not so much in the mood to visit anymore. Maybe I'll just go...

Fuck it! I'm his kid, I'm the one that should be here, not her! She doesn't like it, she can just get lost.

Which she should do anyway. I mean, she's only gonna make my dad's life hell. Right?

"You're out early," he says.

"Only today. Don't worry, rest of the time you won't see me at all, which should make you happy."

"What kind of comment is that?" He's annoyed. Again. Nothing new about that these days.

"Well, seems like you've been pretty busy here with your...FRIEND!"

Now he's pissed. Real pissed.

Tough. I'm pissed ahead of him. So there.

"Michael, she's going to be looking after me, and she has a right to know what my condition is!"

"Yeah, I just bet she knows your condition!"

"Michael, you apologize to her right now!"

"Forget it."

"No, you forget it! You apologize to her this minute, do you hear?"

"For what? For not wanting you fucking up your life AGAIN?   Like you did all the other times? She know about that, Dad?"

"You shut your mouth, young man!"

"Yeah, tell her about how you bailed on Mom! About Dee! About that you left Les and me for 17 fucking years!" I look at her, hard. "Bet you didn't know about that, did you?"

I figure she's about to scream and run. She should, if she's got half a brain.

But instead, she starts walking over to me, real slow, and she has this look like, don't fuck with me, little boy.

Oh yeah. Like she could do a lot of damage.

"Listen to me, little boy." Her voice is real quiet, but she's like even more pissed than my dad. "Let's get a few things straight. Your father is trying to recover from a major illness. Your coming around here and making...allegations and harassing him are not going to help him. Right now, that's my primary concern. And it damn better be yours.

"Secondly, I'm an expert marksman. Just keep that in mind."

Oh Christ.

He's in love with a crazy woman. It's worse than I thought.

"Michael, you can leave now. When you can treat her with the professional respect due someone in her position, and you can treat me with due respect in mine, then you can come back. Until then, get out." He's almost whispering, but he's like so so so mad...

"Fine. I'm going."

Looks like I'm not gonna be coming back for a while.
 

It's all her damn fault. She started this. She got my dad turned against me, she's fucking up his life, she's making it seem like everything is my fault.

It's her fucking fault.

So why do I feel like such an asshole?

Fine, I don't have to see him. He's such a bastard, anyway. And I got tons of work and classes coming up, and I got to study, and he'll never see me, anyway...

So why the hell am I crying here?

It's like, I got nobody I can talk to...everybody's at work and I guess I could go talk to Ally, but she like gets all rational on me and I'm just not in the mood for her right now...plus Kelly was kind of pissed I talked to her...

So of all the stupid things to do, I find myself heading for the only person I know other than Ally who's in the house during the day...

Mulder.

I truly have lost my mind.

END OF PART 23