DUM SPIRO, SPERO
Part 27
 

"Friends, face up to it:
that young pup, Telemakhos, has done it;
he made the round trip, though we said he could not."

"The Odyssey," Fitzgerald Translation. Book 16, Lines 415-417. Used without permission.
 

MICHAEL:

Slowly, they all get here. Or maybe it just seems slow.

Prof and J come first. They don't say anything, they just come over and-both of 'em-give me a hug. I'm kind of surprised. The prof doesn't usually do stuff like this, but he looks pretty shaky himself.

Jo comes right behind them, and seeing her, I almost start really losing it. She just slips an arm over my shoulder and tells me to be strong. She says I can do this. I have to, for my dad.

Oh Christ, who is she kidding?

But Jo believes you gotta be that way, and I think she's pretty cool, so I try. I'm feeling like my chest is being compressed by a boa constrictor-well, I think this is what it feels like. I can barely breathe.

She can hear it, too. "Michael, you really need some meds for that. I suggest you make an appointment and get something, tomorrow."

Like what? Inhaler drugs are pretty weird these days. Just ask Mulder.

Maybe they got pills and they're safe...still...I haven't had this since I was a kid. It's really bugging me it's back. Kind of scary, too.

Ally's next-and I don't believe this, she's carrying their Arctic Zone cooler. She opens it up and asks if anybody's interested.

Only everyone. Like a bunch of buzzards on a corpse.

She got cold Sam Adams. Bless her.

God, except for where we are, this could be like somebody's birthday, with everyone hanging and drinking Sams.

"Did you get hold of Langly?" Byers asks her.

"Not directly, but I did finally locate someone who seems to be aware of his existence."

"That's a start," J agrees.

"It's amazing. The only person who knew about him-or was willing to tell me anything-was the office cleaner. Sheer luck." She sips her Sam's-hey, she'll go American sometimes.

Byers frowns at her. "You think...she's legitimate?"

Ally shakes her head. "I don't give a shit. I don't care how he gets here, just that he does."

"I'm here." Blonde Boy cruises in, he looks thrashed. Ally jumps up to kiss him, and hands him a Sam's, which he downs in like two gulps.

"Go easy on that, lover. I've only got room in the cooler for a 12-pack," Ally says gently, lightly punching him on the arm.

Martha's been quiet through all this, but finally she speaks up. "I'm Martha Small...Joanna knows me-"

"Jo. We're not formal here."

Shit. Guess she's worming her way in.

"And the rest of you are?"

"John Byers, and this is Juliet Parker, my fiancee."

"Allison Langly." Okay, Ally's gonna keep a little distance here. If she trusts you, you get to use her nickname. "And that's my husband, call him Langly." She gives Martha this look like, and don't argue, and don't ask, I'm not in the mood.

"Did anyone contact the Mulders?" Byers asks, scanning us all.

"Tried to." I shrug. I don't wanna talk. I'm afraid my voice is gonna crack and I'm gonna start bawling-like I really need to do it in front of this crowd.

"I'll try them," Byers offers. God, he might be wrecked, but he's like so cool. How the fuck does he do that?

Where the hell is Kelly? She's gotta get here!

"Martha, the beer's for everyone," Ally tells her. So I guess she's trying to be nice, anyway.

"Thank you...I think I'll hold off a little bit." Martha smiles at her.

Lady, you're gonna get eaten alive in this crowd. If you think anybody's gonna save you a beer, you are sadly mistaken. Just Ally and Langly could do the entire 12 by themselves. No problem.

"So what the fuck happened?" Langly's not gonna suffer in silence. He's biting his nails a mile a minute and he's sucking down the second beer like he's dying of thirst.

"He wasn't feeling well today...which is not all that unusual several days after surgery," Martha explains. "At least that was what I attributed it to."

"That would seem reasonable," Jo agrees with her. They're in nurse mode right now.

Man, Jo looks tired. Wonder if she went back to work too soon. But she's like, she's just being Jo, which is a Good Thing, because she stays calm.

"Michael and I went to have a Coke, and we came back...and he'd coded," Martha goes on...great, lady, let 'em think we're such good friends? I don't think so.

Byers is back. "The Mulders will be here as soon as Dana's mother shows up. Both of them."

God, you'd think this was the social event of the season or something.

Where the fuck is Kelly?!

Ally must see right through me, she's like, I left her a note on the table, she'll have to go by our house first.

Okay, I'd forgotten that part. It's like I'm so out of it right now that I think I send her some type of subliminal message, she'll get it.

Hell, it could happen. Watch Mulder and Dr. Scully in action. Weirdest damn thing. No words, no signs, but it's like, they know what the other one thinks.

It's kind of awful. Jo and Martha talk the clinical talk, which really kind of creeps me out. They talk about how this will affect how Martha takes care of my dad when he gets out. Which doesn't look like it's anytime soon.

I really want him to come home. I don't know why, he's been so lousy to me, but I want him there, anyway. I just want him to be normal lousy to me.

Langly can't sit still, he's on his THIRD beer-hog!-and he's like, Jesus fuck, tell us something already, I can't stand this! Ally's trying to tell him to sit down and relax, but he's like totally ignoring her. Finally she gets up, grabs his arm-hard-and says they're going out for a smoke. And a beer run.

They must think it's gonna be a long wait.

God, I hope not.
 

Having Blonde Boy out of the room helps a little, everyone else is being like fairly calm about it, but time goes by and it's not as calm as it was. Juliet bites her lip a lot, the prof keeps cracking his knuckles, and Jo and Martha keep talking clinical stuff, but I think now it's a way to keep them from thinking about Dad.

And where the fuck are Ally and Langly? We're almost out of beer here! If they decided to have a little back-seat one on one while they were waiting, I'm gonna kill them.

Probably not. The Corolla and the Neon have small back seats. He'd have a rough go.

Kelly, where the fuck are you?

The Mulder minivan must go a lot faster than I think it does-I've never made it back from Silver Springs that fast, that's for sure. They're pretty calm people, at least up top, but you can tell they're worried. Dr. Scully asks for Dad's chart, if we have it, Jo says she'll have to get it from the nurses' station, and she'll try to get us some info.

"Dr. Scully, where's Kelly?" I forget she can't hear me. Shit.

Lucky for me, Mulder taps her and signs the question. She says she had Kelly go to the library to get some articles for her, so she might be a while.

Shit! I need her NOW!

Ally and Langly FINALLY get back, and I'm pretty sure they didn't do the nasty while they were out-no shit-eating grins on either one. They always come back from doing the deed looking like fat cats that swallowed a whole bunch of canaries.

And they've got another 12 of Sam's. Salvation in bottle.

Dr. Scully reads over the notes in Dad's chart, and she's like, okay, I need to talk to Martha and Jo, which means Ally has to translate, so they bail out to another room.

What the fuck does she mean? I feel sick. I can't breathe.

"Michael. C'mon. We need to do some work." Mulder hits me on the arm.

"I'm not leaving. What if Kelly comes?"

"In case you haven't noticed, we've got a full house tonight-you'd think one of these losers could think to tell Kelly when she comes."

"Fuck you, Mulder." Langly's real tetchy, like he always is under pressure.

"I'll make sure she knows you're here," Juliet's like, don't worry about it. Okay, I can trust Juliet not to fuck it up. She's not a guy. Something about guys, we always manage to fuck up.
 

Mulder drags me off-I'm sort of like, my legs don't even feel real to me right now. Everything's kind of fuzzy, sort of like when I got Demerol, but not good like Demerol.

Maybe that's what I need right now. You'd think I could convince somebody here to give me some.

And I feel all this glop in my lungs, and it's gross, and it's making it like I can't get enough air.

Mulder's like, hasn't got a clue where he's going, but he finally finds this small room, it's more like a closet, but it's got a couple chairs and a light, and he's like, sit down.

"Am I gonna have to give you another buck?" I groan.

"Nah, this one's on the house."

"So what words of wisdom are you planning to give to me tonight, O Fucked Up One?"

He laughs. Mulder laughs at the weirdest stuff. "Hey, you got to admit, I'm about as fucked up as they come, but if it's not my life, I do all right. No, Junior, we're gonna try a little hypnosis. Get you over these attacks."

"What?!" I am NOT into fucking mind control.

"Relax, Junior, it's not what you think it is."

"What do you think I think it is?"

"You probably think I'm here to fuck up your head as bad as mine. Right?"

"I don't think that's possible."

He grins-again!   Asshole! "Probably not. No, basically, since inhalers are a bad option right now, I think you need something to help you get over this, help you focus. All this is is relaxation, really. And don't worry. You can't do anything you don't want to do. Really."

"I don't like this."

"Take it easy, give it a try."

"You ever done this before?"

"Done it lots. And had it done on me."

Now, THAT'S a scary thought.

"We're not going to try anything heavy like regression hypnosis. But I think your asthma's back because you've got way too much going on in your life, and I can't do anything about that, but hey, you're getting it free, why not check it out?"

"Is this gonna be worth everything I paid for it?"

"Probably. But just go with it, Frohike Junior. Do it for your dad. He needs you."

Does he?

I hope so. God knows I need him.

"Okay, close your eyes." The voice gets real low and soft. "Get comfortable...just let your hands unclench...you can breathe...it's easy...you can breathe normally. You can let all the junk just melt out of your lungs."

What a lovely image.

"Now, pick a place where you feel really good, really comfortable. The best place you know. Or it could just be a time or a situation, not even a specific physical location, if that isn't what works for you. Someplace you can feel safe."

The shore...I wanna go back to the shore.

"Carolina coast. I went there. With Dad and Jo and Kelly."

"Nice place."

"It's great. It's warm...and Kelly and me..."

"Made love there for the first time?"

"Yeah." This memory makes me feel really good. Just thinking about how nice it was to join the first time...wow.

I just better not be getting a hard-on-this could be embarrassing.

"And it's safe there, and nothing can happen to you there. So whenever you feel your lungs start to harden up, get sticky, you'll go there. And you'll feel better."

"Uh-huh."

"When did this start to happen again, Michael?"

Oh God no. Not that. I don't wanna think about that...

"We can stop anytime you like, Michael."

"He's like...oh God, he's really creepy. He wears like these expensive suits, and he smokes these really bad cigarettes-"

"Can you tell me what his face looks like?"

"Creepy. Cold eyes. He's got kind of this nice voice, it's quiet, but he's got these eyes, they're like so dead." I can feel my lungs junking up...

"Go back to the shore, Michael. You can tell me about it while you're on the shore. Nothing can happen."

"Okay. I'm like, I registered for my classes...I'm coming out to my car...and he's there...and he's like, he knows who I am...he wants to talk to me...he scares the shit outta me..."

"Have you told anyone else, Michael?"

"No...I didn't think...I dunno. I thought I sort of recognized him."

"From where?"

"I dunno."

"Go back to the shore, and think from there. Now you can clear out your mind, nothing can hurt you here."

"I...I think I was with Langly. We were in DC. I think. I think it was the old neighborhood where Dad used to live...I think it was him...Langly was like, get inside..."

"Smart boy not to talk to him, Junior. He's definitely not your friend."

"So what do I do? If I see him again?"

"You'll just tell him to fuck off, and leave like you did before. Don't screw around with him."

"He's dangerous."

"Putting it mildly. But you see him again, you just head back to the shore...and drive the fuck away as fast as you can. So that was the first time this happened, when you saw him?"

"Since I was little."

"Just go to the shore, Michael. When you find yourself in a bad place, head for the shore."

"I want Kelly."

"She should be here soon, if she's not already."

"I want her now."

"Just relax, be quiet for a few minutes, and then you'll feel better. There. Relax. Head for the shore."

It is awfully nice being back at the beach...

"Is my dad all right?"

"We don't know yet."

"He can't die on me."

"Hey, he better not die on me. I gave him custody of my video collection. It's not like anyone would take as good care of it as him."

I laugh a little.

I'm so scared.

"What'm I gonna do if he dies, Mulder?"

"We'll cross that bridge if we have to...right now, try to imagine him being well. Being happy. Seeing you finish school, get married, have kids. I know that's what he lives for. So put yourself there. He'll fight, believe me. Frohike's a tough old bird. He's not about to go quietly."

"He can't...he can't..." I feel the tears coming-and shit, they won't stop!

"God, I'm scared, he's gotta live, he's gotta."

"Think of him as being fine. It's the best thing you can do for him right now."

"Like he would know what I was thinking."

"More than you'd imagine."

I want to stop crying. I can't. It just keeps coming.

"Back to the shore, Michael. Watch him from the shore. What do you see?"

What do I see?

I see him...with HER. Oh Christ.

And he's smiling. And he's holding her hand...

This is what he wants.

"My dad...with the lady there. Martha. On the beach."

"He's happy."

"Yeah."

"Do you want him to be happy?"

"Yeah."

"But you want him to take care of you."

"Yeah."

"Maybe you're gonna have to start taking care of him a little more."

"I dunno how."

"Start with letting him have a love life."

I start up more crying...God, stop this already!

"It's too weird."

"No, it's not. Think of him and Martha being like you and Kelly at the shore."

"Not an image I need, Mulder."

"I'm not talking about THAT. No, just enjoying that same safety and clarity and comfort that you and Kelly have there. That you find there. You like water a lot, don't you, Junior?"

"Yeah."

"When you start feeling left out, or angry, or jealous of this part of your dad, head for the water. You'll feel calmer, and you'll understand better."

He's quiet for a while. Just letting me have at it.

Somehow, I'm not embarrassed. At least not yet.
 

I didn't think anything happened...but I sort of wake up, and it's like I was asleep, and I remember everything, I think I feel maybe a little better...

Especially when I get back to the waiting area and I see Kelly's there.

She runs over and just wraps herself around me, kisses my mouth and my face and my neck.

I was wrong. I'm not done crying yet.

I just fall into her shoulder, and she leads me out, and I just let her hold me. A long, long time.
 

I think I lost my contacts-no, wait, they're just in the back of my eyes. I blink them to make them come out.

My backpack's down in my car. I could use it right now, my glasses are in there.

But I can't move. I'm so tired...I can't sleep to save my life right now, but I'm so tired.

What's good and bad is, Kelly knows what this is like. She's just lost her mom...

I can't think that way. I got to hold on to that my dad's gonna be okay.

I look at her, study her curves and her pretty face and her hair in a braid and those clear blue eyes.

And then I get the weirdest thought.

Now I know why she's so hot to have a kid right now.

She's so alone. She feels like, she needs her own family.

Needs something to remind her life goes on.

I know I'm not ready for that. I still grit my teeth and hope to god we get lucky and it doesn't.

But now I understand why at least.

Continuity? Connectedness? I may fight like crazy with my dad, but he's mine, I'm his, there's no getting away from that.

He's gotta make it.

He has to. He has to.

END OF PART 27