DUM SPIRO, SPERO
Part 59

"Reason and heart will give you words, Telemakhos;
and a spirit will counsel others. I should say
the gods were never indifferent to your life."

"The Odyssey," Fitzgerald Translation. Book 3, Lines 31-33. Used without permission.
 

MICHAEL:

Yep, it's a small room, and the bed's just a standard, but hey, we get to share it.

Besides, compared to Kelly's bed, this is the Taj Mahal.

She's starting to get undressed so she can put her clothes on to wear to dinner.

"C'mere," I wag my finger at her.

"Michael, we have to get dressed!"

"We got an hour."

"And your mom's going to know what we've been up to if we're not ready."

"Like she isn't up to the same thing?"

"Michael, I need to get ready, it takes time."

"An hour?"

She gives me the Kelly Look. I think she's been working around Dr. Scully too long. Dr. Scully uses this look on Mulder when he gets out of line. So she gets lots of practice. And he deserves it. "Michael, you need to start getting ready, okay?"

Oh man. She's pulling off her undies to put on new ones-lacy ones, not like the usual cotton ones she wears, and she expects me to stay calm about this?

"Pleeeeasse." I know, I'm a brat, but watching her do this, it's like making me nuts.

She presses her lips together. "Michael, you're such a brat, you know that, don't you?"

"I know, but..." I'm whining now.

I've been reduced to begging. I know Ally says it's such an unattractive habit, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

She walks slowly over to me wearing nothing but her undies. "Close your eyes."

"Okay."

And she starts pulling all my lower clothes off, and starts moving her mouth down me...

Oh yeah.

Doesn't take long. I'm trying not to yell. I know my mom let us share this room, but I think she'd freak if I yelled. Probably think I got hurt or something.

No, Mom, anything but that.

Kelly stands up and smiles at me. "Now get dressed, you bad boy."
 

Oh God. I hope I can remember how to do this.

No, it's got nothing to do with sex.

I think I remember how to put on a tie...

Dad and me practiced a few times last night, but it's different when you got someone watching you and moving your hands when you're screwing up.

And I'm not gonna ask Carl. There're just some things you can only ask your dad. This isn't one of 'em.

I fuck up a few times-lucky for me, Kelly's already downstairs talking to Mom. Or maybe not so lucky. I've heard like when Ally and Juliet and Jo and Dr. Scully are all yapping together, and it's not pretty. You think guys are disgusting? We are, yeah, but we got nothing on the women.

And based on what I hear from Ally and Dr. Scully, old married women are the worst. Especially when they've chugged a few beers.

Finally, I get a knot that doesn't look too totally awful. Not gonna win any prizes-I mean, I want that, I should bring the prof along-but not like I can't leave the house or anything.

I actually don't look too bad, considering I still look like me. Well, there're limitations on everything.

*************************************************************************************************************

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" My mom's like freaking when I walk down the stairs.

What the fuck's her problem? I don't look THAT bad...

"Michael, you look so good, oh Kelly, look at how grownup my baby boy is!" Goddamn, she's almost crying.

She comes over and gives me this big hug and she sort of fools around with my tie, which annoys me a bit, I thought it looked okay, but I think she's just trying to get her hands on me.

"I always said your father cleaned up nicely, and so do you. Oh my, my baby!"

Shoot me now.

"Michael, you look awesome." Kelly's being a little cooler about it, but she's got this look like, wait till I get you back here tonight.

That part I can live with.

Now will someone please extract my mom from me?
 

My mom can't get over me in a suit. This makes me want to run upstairs and put my jeans back on. Too bad I didn't bring the 'Fuck 'Em All' T-shirt.

I know, I'm being a spoilsport, but this is really embarrassing. It's cool that my mom thinks I look good, but like does she have to go through the whole thing every time someone else walks in?

Jesus Christ.

Carl's oldest son, also named Carl, shows up with his wife and twin girls. They're real cute, and they radar in on me right off. What the fuck is it about kids that they glom on to me like flies on shit? They're dressed up real pretty, these little flower dresses and headbands and all that, and I bet you anything that by the time we get to the restaurant, they'll be wrecked. They want to go outside and play. I get an earful about soccer. Which is cool. Soccer's fun, I play it with Patrick sometimes.

Carl Jr. is introduced that he's a thoracic surgeon and his wife's an ophthalmologist.

This is gonna be scary. Surrounded by physicians all night.

It gets worse. His daughter and her husband, no kiddies, show up. She's an anesthesiologist (I think I spelled that right) and he's a software engineer.

I'm once again at the bottom of the food chain here.

Kelly thinks this is real cool, though. She's in her element.

Number 2 son shows up and I find out he's not a doc. He's an artist. "A black sheep," he grins, his name's Joel, I like him right off.

"Joel, I thought I told you, no nose ring tonight," his older brother's bitching at him, not his dad, but big bro.

I look at him and grin. He's not wearing a tie, either, but he did put on a suit as well-all in black, down to the shirt. Looks like he dyes his hair black, the rest of the gang's got brown, and he looks a lot like 'em. Plus I don't think that black occurs in nature.

Wonder if he does the white face powder and black eyeliner when he's not with the family. He's got the nose ring in, but looks like from the holes he pulled a bunch of stuff out, like I did.

Actually I noticed some of my pierces closed up. Like I only got five pierces on my one ear I can still put earrings in. (Used to have 12 of them). My nose stud still works (I didn't wear it this weekend, makes my mom happy), but my eyebrow rings don't go in anymore. I still have my belly button ring-Kelly likes it a lot, she always plays with it.

And no, I don't have one in my privates, and never did-I do have standards, you know.

Besides, it'd hurt way too much.

We're just waiting on Les now...I wonder if Mom decided if it was cool of her to bring Pam-because if she didn't, there might be no Les. Or there will be, but she'll be a sulky bitch all weekend. Les isn't real easy to get along with anyway. Add sulky bitch to the mix and it's gonna be a long night.

They're having people they work with at the wedding, but tonight, just the rehearsal and dinner with their kids. I think they're hoping we'll like each other, or at least not kill each other.

Carl's kids seem okay-Carl Jr. is a pompous ass, sure, but he's not targeting me. Only one I'm likely to get into it with is Les. If she ever shows up.

I think Mom's getting nervous, everyone keeps looking at their watches.

Finally, the bitch shows up.

She's alone.

She's gonna fucking kill me. Probably think I didn't try hard enough with Mom.

Probably I didn't, but hell, I'd like her to not be pissed off at me. And it's her day, really, if you think about it.

I mean, it'd be nice if Mom would like deal with it and all, but what the fuck can you do.

I'm stunned as hell, she's actually being real nice to Mom and she's okay to Carl. She comes over to Kelly and me. "Hey Mikey."

I wish she wouldn't fucking call me that. Like I haven't been embarrassed enough already.

But at least she's not looking at me like she's gonna choke me or something. Probably saving it for later.

We split up, Carl's got this big old Lincoln but won't seat all of us. Carl Junior's got this sport utility vehicle, a Mercedes. I'm sorry, you don't use the words Mercedes and sport utility vehicle in the same sentence.

Joel and Les and Kelly and me decide we'll do it together. We look over the cars. Les has this 88 Hyundai she should've tossed on the rag heap years ago. Joel's got a 92 Paseo with the passenger door dented in. He says it doesn't open up.

I got Ally's Neon, I offer to drive. For once, I don't have the worst car in the bunch.

Les is probably gonna be pissed, but Joel's like way taller than any of us, I let him ride shotgun. Les is behind him, she's got like no leg room and I expect her to start in bitching any second. I think Kel would have preferred a couple docs in the bunch, but hey, she's my girl, she'll go with me.

"Hey Mikey. Thanks for talking to Mom."

Oh fuck. Here it comes.

"Hey, I did the best-"

"Mikey, chill! Okay? Mom said I could bring her. Pam decided she didn't wanna go. Probably just as well. We're not getting along the best right now."

She sounds sad, not mad.

"Sorry about that."

"Pam would be your partner?" Joel turns around to her.

"Yeah." I don't think Les is always comfortable being out with people she doesn't know. Out in the sense they know she's gay.

Joel gives her a smile. "Yeah, I left Ray at home, too. He didn't want to deal with big brother."

Okay, so Joel's gay. Big fucking deal. Give him and Les something to talk about.

"Nobody told me about that," he tells Les. "Then again, it's not like the family's exactly proud of me, if you get my drift. I mean, Diane's okay with it-" must be Carl's daughter-"and I think Dad's learned to live with it. It's Carl that's got such a big hang up about it." He laughs. "You know that I'm not allowed to be alone with my nieces? I mean, give me a break, guys! I'm gay, not a pedophile."

"Pedophiles aren't usually gay. At least that's what my boss tells me," this is Kelly.

"Your boss a shrink?" Joel sounds kind of suspicious-wonder if like me, he's had more acquaintances with therapists than he'd ever like.

"No, a forensic pathologist. Married to a psychologist."

"I feel sorry for her," Joel says, laughing.

"And you should," I say, but it's a long story.

"So what do you do?" he asks Kelly.

"I'm a premed."

He laughs. "Dad's gonna love you."

"He knows already," I say.

"What about you, Michael?"

"Sophomore undeclared."

He chuckles. "You mean they haven't talked you into getting on the premed path yet? You're tough there."

"Meaning what?"

He laughs some more. "C'mon, if my dad thinks you have half a brain, he'll try to convince you to go into medicine."

"Didn't work with you," Les says.

"No, but it was my undergrad major. Until my senior year, I switched to graphic arts, which is what I really wanted to do. Also the year I came out. Coincidence? I think not." The way he says it, it just comes off funny, and we all laugh. "No, trust me, if Dad thinks you have the right stuff, he'll start in on you, and you'll plead for mercy and declare yourself a premed just to get him to shut up."

"He's not my father," I remind him. And he's not gonna be. I only got one of those, thank you very much.

And the one I got is a handful, that's for sure.

"Actually, Michael, I think you'd do really well at it," this is Kelly.

"Uh, no way." She's gotta be kidding.

"Michael, you got better grades on the first stuff in bio than I did!"

"So?" One bio class does not a premed make.

"And you get higher scores in chem."

"Like what, I point?"

"2, if you're counting." Kelly obviously is. I told you she was competitive.

"Oh God. Mikey as a doctor? Be afraid. Be very afraid." This is Les. And it sounds like Les.

"Oh, thanks Les."

"Hey, you're the one who said no way." She's throwing it back in my face, just like she always does.

"I just don't think...I don't think I'd be that good."

This makes Joel laugh. "Just out of curiosity, what kind of scores do you have?"

"Right now? 96 in chem, 92 in bio."

He laughs. "If you don't want my dad on your case, I'd keep those a state secret. Otherwise, you're screwed."

Les is like, "You're kidding. Mikey, getting A's? I thought Mom was putting me on."

"Gee, Les, can't believe your kid brother can do it?" She just annoys me so bad sometimes. I mean, she always got straight A's and stuff...

And I'm smarter than she is, but I was always a fuck up. Till now.

"Michael is really, really smart you know." Kelly, always my girl, sticks up for me. Like she'd go out with a stupid guy or something.

Kelly knows from stupid. She's been around stupid all her life.

"I'm just...surprised." I love it when I can leave Les fumbling around for something to say. It's so great. She's usually quick on the uptake, and it's so fun when you get her squirming.

"Well, you shouldn't be," Kelly's like putting Les in her place. I mean, Les has everybody kind of on her, I could almost feel sorry for her.

Almost.

"Michael's really good with computers-"

"We know THAT." I wince. I'm waiting for Les to bring up how I used to hack money out of her accounts. Hey, I paid her back!

"And he's a really good writer."

"You're kidding." My sister's faith in me is touching.

"I do okay," I tell her.

"He lies. He's really good. He writes articles-"

"On Daddy's magazine? Oh, give me a break!" Les snorts.

"And he's the tutor for freshman writing. And math." Kel's like doing my smirking for me. I love it.

"You do tutoring?"

"Yeah, I do. Gotta make some money."

"And he's good. He got me an A in calculus last year."

Les is kind of blown away. And I think she's kind of mad. I sort of honed in on her turf.

I've done that a lot lately.

"So where the fuck were you when I was struggling with statistics, little brother?"

"Hey, not my fault you didn't wanna talk to me."

"You were the one who didn't wanna talk to me!"

"All right, all right, chill!" It's Joel. "Now we're gonna have a nice family dinner, and nobody's gonna get into it. Right?" He's grinning at all of us.

"That include you and your brother?" Sounds like he and Carl Jr. don't like each other much.

He looks like, oh, the misery. "If I have to bite my tongue off and chew it up tonight, I'm going to behave. I mean, my dad is getting married tomorrow...and besides, I think your mom would kill me."

"Ah, you've gotten to know Mom," I laugh.

Joel's like, oh yeah. "Let's put it like this. She's nice enough to me...but I sort of get the impression that she is not somebody you'd want to fuck over. Unless you have no regard for life and limb, of course."

"You do know my mother," Les laughs.

"Not well. I don't come around here much."

"Big shock there," I say.

"I live in the city."

"As in New York City." Why do New Yorkers think they have the only city in the world?

Then again, I have lived in Newark. Hell, I've lived in fucking Hackensack. This is not something I normally confess to unless extremely drunk...which I haven't been for ages.

However, if things start going south, I am over the legal drinking age in every state. Kelly could always drive...

Let's hope it stays civil. I don't think I'm ready for a hangover right now.
 

Whatever else you can say about Mom and Carl, they picked awesomely for chow.

Lobsters all around. I worship crustaceans.

I end up sitting next to Carl, which is superfreaky, since he's got kids and grandkids. Carl Jr. takes his brood to the end of the table, and the kids are like, they keep coming over and crawling all over me. Sort of like being with bigger versions of the Mulderettes, except Carl Jr.'s got a better handle on them. Kelly's on my other side, and she's got them on her too, and she takes it good, even if they are kind of fucking up her dress.

Which is gorgeous, by the way. It's this purply color and it's sheer and has this slip like thing under it, so it's like innocent but suggestive. Sort of like Kelly herself.

She is in serious trouble later on. We're just gonna have to remember to keep it quiet.

She was gonna do French braids she says, but we sort of ran out of time since she was busy working on me...and she just has it long and loose. Gorgeous. She doesn't need makeup, she's too pretty to cover her face.

Lobsters here are totally, totally awesomely delicious. Like at the shore. More drawn butter than anybody's arteries should ever allow. Dad would be drooling right now.

Wonder if he thinks this is a little weird, Mom getting married again. I mean, it's cool for her, but it still feels sort of strange for me.

And Les and me are good, we don't have any food fights, we don't diss each other too much, and she's nice to Kelly. She only calls me a fuckrag a couple times, I only call her a bitch a few times, and after my mom says she's going to kill us both, we decide to make nice. I think she was getting bummed at us, I mean, Carl's kids have better manners than we do. Joel's like being totally not like he was in the car, he's being real quiet and respectful. He is, however, sucking down gin and tonics like water, so I think he's sort of stressing. I'd probably do more than the one beer I've had so far, but just about every time I think I got a minute, I get one of the little girls on me, and they make it sort of hard to do much of anything.

"So Michael, your mother tells me you're doing well in school," Carl's first attempt at talking to me tonight. I mean, he's not a bad guy or anything, but he's been mostly talking to Carl Jr. or rather Carl Jr.'s been talking at him.

Truthfully, I think Dad gets bored with sonny boy going on and on. Carl Jr. is something of a drone. It's like he decided not only would he study medicine like Daddy, but he'd be way cooler at it like Daddy.

I think Dad's done it long enough that he's bored with these little head games.

"I do all right." Joel shoots me this look like shut up now. I'm surprised he's sober enough to understand what anyone's saying.

"Baby, you had a 4.0 last year!" It's Mom. Okay, okay.

But I still wish she wouldn't call me that. Jesus.

"Hmm. Keep that, transfer into a good school, do well on your MCATs, you could do it."

Carl's obviously had a little bit to drink.

"You could, Baby."

"Mom, I got no idea what I wanna do."

"Well, time you figured it out," this from Carl Jr.

What is this, pick on Michael time?

You know, it's funny. My life used to really really really suck. But it was mine.

Now it's like everybody's got a claim on it.

And I'm such a follower, I usually give in.

This scares me.

"I think he'd be great. You see how he is with kids." Kelly's loving this. She's just beaming now.

Oh Christ.

"You're going to have to declare a major by next year, you know," Les reminds me.

Which I wish she wouldn't. I mean, it's not like this is a piece of cake.

"You always liked computers," Mom says to me. I wince at this one. I got kicked out of school because I liked computers so much.

"Yeah, but they don't thrill me so much anymore." I mean, a real cool hack can be a challenge, but mostly, they're just big pencils with keyboards to me.

"Michael's also a terrific writer." I mean, I love it that Kelly's my fan, but God, this is getting embarrassing.

"Always an important skill to have," Carl says. Waiter comes around, asks if we need more drinks.

Big chorus of 'Yes!'

Myself included.

I'm definitely having another beer here.
 

I'm so like stuffed, but then they're like bringing around dessert...and it's got apples and cinnamon and I am so doomed.

Lucky for me, Kelly knows what she wants to do, Mom and Carl and Carl Jr. and Diane are all like talking to her now, listening to her plans, telling her what she ought to do...

I was sort of thinking this was a wedding rehearsal dinner, not a career counseling session.

I tell Joel, who is by now three sheets to the wind, this.

"Told you."

God, he better not puke in my car on the way back.

END OF PART 59