"Here's liquor to wash down your scraps of men."

"The Odyssey," Fitzgerald Translation. Book 9, Line 378. Used without permission.
 

LANGLY:

She's standing there, she's not much taller than Ally, but she's a lot scarier. For one thing, she knows how to shoot.

I don't think she's armed right now. Least I hope she's not.

"What the hell is going on?" She is not a happy camper. Looks like Mulder is majorly going to get his ass kicked.

"Um, nothing," Ally says this, but she starts giggling when she does, she can barely sign her response.

"Like hell." You can see her sniff the air around her. "Langly, was this your doing?"

I just nod like, yeah. I mean, I did bring it. What the hell.

She oughta be grateful. I saved her husband from being a total prick all night.

And what's the worst she's gonna do? Tell us to put it away?

Hell, she does that, we'll go smoke in the car.

She turns to Mulder and then to me. "You mean to tell me you came out here to smoke and you didn't even so much as offer me any?"

"Scully," Mulder's like signing and speaking together, which normally he's got no problem with, but right now he's not like normal. "You're pregnant-"

"And I feel like hell, and I'd appreciate being offered, thank you!"

"Scully, you can't-"

She gives him the look of ScullyDeath. "Mulder, marijuana is one of the most researched drugs in existence. No evidence of birth defects has ever occurred in the literature even in heavy users, and keep in mind that cannabinoids are very effective anti-nauseants."

She looks at me, hard. "Fire it up, Langly."

We all look at her kind of strange. I mean, Scully?

She glares at us. "Are you just going to stand around and stare at me, or should I share?"

Well, duh!
 

She only does three hits. Does seem to mellow her out, though.

We're halfway down the second joint, and it looks like we're back to having a peaceful little pot party when I hear the unmistakeable voice of Junior shouting for us.

"Hey, where are you guys?"

"Junior, keep it down, you're gonna fucking wake the dead!" I'm hacking again.

"Not before you do, asshole!"

"Michael, keep your voice down!" Skinner's like a little paranoid, but apparently not too paranoid not to keep smoking.

Junior of course finds us, and he's got Kelly with us. Now I bet anything that Kelly's a virgin. She's got to be.

"Hey, no fair, you didn't offer me any!" Junior's pissed.

"Hey, Daddy Bear's gonna kill you if he finds out," I heard Daddy's comment to him on the way in.

"So how's he gonna find out? You gonna tell him?"

I have to fuck with him. "Maybe."

"Then I'll tell him you gave it to me. Force fed it to me. And then he can kick your ass."

Oh sure. Like he'd believe THAT. "C'mon, you want some?"

"Thought you were never gonna ask."

"Not too much, Michael." Poor Kelly. She's not sure what the etiquette is in this situation.

"You can have some, you know," Ally tells her.

My dope, and everybody's offering to everybody else.

Like I said, I didn't wanna share, I shouldn't have brought.

"Kelly, you want?" I mean, she probably won't, but it'd be rude not to offer.

"Well...um...okay, sure." She looks kind of unsure about this.

What's really freaky is, Kelly's never smoked ANYTHING, we have to help her out here. Junior's like, no, don't do that, you'll make it go out, and she's like just not getting it.

"Oh, give her a shotgun," Ally says to him, and Junior's like, oh yeah.

Kids. So damn slow on the uptake.

"You know, a bong would've worked better for this," Mulder says as he's greedily sucking down on the joint.

"You got one?"

He looks at me like, are you nuts? "Excuse me, I was an officer of the law till recently."

And we all crack up, just the way this came out, it makes him crack up too.  And Skinner.

Skinner can't stop laughing. "Mulder...just thinking of you as an...officer of the law...I just have to know, which law was that?"

And we all keep cracking up.

Mulder's having fun now. "Hey, I was protecting the country from the scum of the universe."

"No, that was Men in Black," Byers is giggling now.

"Men in Black, shmen in black!" Mulder snorts. "Hey, Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones can't do half of what I can for a pair of Ray-Bans!"

"Yeah, mostly you lose yours," Skinner tells him, and this is true. Mulder is like the god of sunglasses. Pairs all over the place, even at our office. Loses 'em all, too. "And cell phones, and guns-"

"Hey, I haven't lost a gun in ages!" Mulder's trying to look hurt, and mostly we're just laughing our asses off at this, he's so fucking transparent when he's trying to work it.

"Yeah, but didn't you just like lose a phone recently?" Junior's hassling him.

"Hey, if Macho Man here hadn't barfed all over my van-" he's getting into our little road trip to NJ, I wish he'd shut up already.

"Shut up, Mulder."

"Hey, you did barf all over my van! You have witnesses!"

"Yeah, so, Junior's done it a few times!"

"Fuck you, Langly."

"Doesn't change that you barfed in my car, and Ally's car, and there was that matter of the bed in the spare room-"

"Langly, you're an asshole, you know that?"

Yeah, I'm an asshole, but I'm holding the goodies tonight. Ah, the heady feeling of power.

"Yeah, but you did do it, don't deny it, Junior, we all know!"

"Hey, got you out of wearing those godawful shoes, didn't I?''

Okay, he's got a point.

Byers is grooving on all this. He's kind of quiet, I don't think he's gonna be a loud stoner, but he's like, "So Mulder, did you get your tux?"

Mulder grins this big shit-eating grin. "Got it all taken care of, Byers my man."

I worry when I see that grin. I'm sure he's got it taken care of, but when you don't get a straight answer out of Mulder, you really have to worry. And you almost never get a straight answer.

"Mulder, you better not be planning to wear your Elvis jumpsuit," Byers tries to give him like this severe warning, and it's not working.

Mulder gives the who, me? Look, and he's like, now would I do a thing like that to you on your wedding day?

And we all yell like, Yes!

"I'd do no such thing," Mulder is playing the wounded soul to the hilt. "Besides, then I couldn't wear my new dress."

Byers gets like this look of total horror. "You wouldn't."

"Byers, it's dotted Swiss, how could I resist?" Mulder is like being so greedy with the dope.

"Hey, gimme some, you fuckrag!" Junior and Kelly got some catching up to do. He's trying to show Kelly how to do shotguns. She's not doing too great, but this is good stuff, should make her feel good anyway.

"Hope you're gonna shave your legs," Ally says to him, giggling.

"Actually, I was thinking of a bikini wax," Mulder is really getting goofy now.

Skinner's into it. "That I would like to see." He's got this malicious grin on his face.

Ally has first hand experience with this, apparently. "You guys ever seen a bikini wax?"

"Read about it," Skinner said.

"Where'd you read about bikini waxing?" Byers is like, enquiring minds want to know.

"Cosmo, of course." Skinner looks at us like we're stupid.

Ally laughs. "Well, any one of you decides to get waxed like that, you get a hundred bucks from me, no questions asked."

"That's it? Ally, you're cheap," Michael says. "You'd have to pay me a lot more to get that done."

"Michael, what would you know about it?" Kelly glares at him.

"Hey, you know, you figure it out," he shrugs, but he looks sort of embarrassed.

Bet he reads Miranda's Cosmos. She leaves 'em lying all over. I confess I read the issue on new positions for sex. Hey, never hurts to keep your skills up to date.

"So Ally, you ever had one?" Byers wants to know.

"Yep."

"And?"

"Childbirth was less painful."

"God, and you're only offering a hundred bucks? Forget it," Michael takes another hit and tells Kelly to open up.

They're actually sort of cute trying to do this.

"Let's see how averse you are when your car insurance comes due," Ally taunts. I know she's lent him some to cover it a couple times. Hmm. Making him work for it...I like that.

Junior sticks his tongue out at her. She giggles. "Save it for Kelly, I'm going for the quality merchandise." She grabs me and pulls my face to hers, and oh man, what a kiss...

Which I start coughing in the middle of.

"Langly, you are such a loser!" Mulder's laughing at me. "Pretty girl tries to seduce you and you cough all over her."

"Fuck you, Mulder."

"Y'know, you guys need to get a lot more original when you insult me," Mulder shakes his head.

"Mulder, insulting you, any insult is a good insult," Skinner tosses at him. "I'm hungry, I'm going inside."

He had to say that, didn't he?

In that moment, the stoned munchies hit with a vengeance.

"C'mon, let's eat."
 

MICHAEL:

God, I hope my dad doesn't notice that I'm stoned. He'll kill me.

Kelly's like sort of nervous, like you think Dr. Scully's gonna notice?

"Kelly, you're like the least stoned person here, don't sweat it, just be cool."

Since we went outside to celebrate, we got a couple more people that came. One of them's Martha, of course, she must've just gotten off work, she's still in her scrubbies.

And the other one, which makes me real happy, is Jo. I'm pretty surprised. Jo's been feeling real shitty with chemo lately. She hasn't been out much, but she's here tonight. I'm so glad she's here. I miss her a lot.

I give her a big hug, and I almost scream, she's so bony. Jo's like normally average size, looks like a real woman. She's so thin now. And her hair's even thinner than the rest of her. It's like pretty soon she's not gonna have any left. And what she's got, it's totally white.

I don't care. I'm just glad she came.

"You okay?" I ask her. She's not looking real good. Maybe she shouldn't have come.

"I'm all right." She smiles at me. "How're your studies going, dear?"

"They're okay." I cough. "Sorry. Still got a cold. Don't mean to breathe on you."

She laughs a little. "Dear, if I was going to worry about bacteria, I'd have stayed home."

"How many more treatments you got?"

"Two. I should be completely bald by then." She laughs like this is funny.

I think it's real sad, but at least she's being cool about it.

"You feel like eating? I'll get you something." Poor lady needs meat on the bones.

"No, it's really hard to eat. You know, I can deal with most everything, but the nausea is making me crazy."

Langly butts in right then. He comes over and sweeps one of his huge arms over her, I'm afraid he's like going to crush her. Langly gets a lot more affectionate when he's stoned, I guess.

"Hey Jo! Long time no see!"

"How are you, Langly?"

He grins. "I'm hanging, I'm hanging." He then comes out with this cough that sounds like a foghorn.

"By a thread, I'd say." She looks at him. "I see you're taking care of yourself as well as you usually do."

"Yeah, well, when Darth Vader is your boss, you don't get much choice. You feeling all right, Jo?"

"A little queasy. Not too bad."

His eyes are like slits now, stoned eyes, with all this red around them. Thank God I don't have blue eyes, my dad would see it in a second and I'd be dead.

He grins at her. "I got just the thing for that."

She looks at him quizzically. "Langly dear, I've tried everything-Phenergan, Compazine, Transderm Scop-"

"Ah, but you haven't tried what I have."

It dawns on her what he's talking about.

Jo probably doesn't approve of that stuff, but with Jo, it's hard to know sometimes. She surprises you.

She looks at him. "Let's go."
 

I tell Kelly I'm gonna go outside with Jo and Langly, she's staying in and yapping with Juliet right now, who's talking to one of Dana's sisters-in-law (I can never keep them straight). She's giggling her ass off.

Kelly does not giggle. She is not a gigglepuss like Ally. Girl is stoned, man.

Langly does the closest thing he ever does to being a gentleman and tries to light up for her, but she's like, I can do this. Which she can. She smokes like an old pro.

"You done this before," I look at her, I must look surprised.

She laughs. "Michael, don't look so shocked. I came of age in the 60s. I went to Vietnam. What do you think we did over there?" She takes a deep hit. "Langly, this is very smooth. It's definitely not Chicago Windowbox."

We both laugh. "No, it's from my bro. Only way he could keep his cookies down at the end. But even when he was real sick, no way would Scott ever do cheap shit."

"When we were in Vietnam, we used to be able to get this locally so cheap, but the best stuff would come over from Malaysia and Thailand. Smooth as silk." Which her voice doesn't sound like. She holds out the joint to us. "I'm being rude, I'm sorry."

Langly shakes his head. "I'm cool, you smoke it. Junior?"

I shake my head no. My dad is probably gonna kick my ass as it is.

Jo takes a couple more hits. "I haven't felt this good since before I found out about the cancer." Jo's like not afraid to say the word. Which is real weird, most of us are. "Langly, I'm going to put it out now if you're not going to smoke with me."

She touches the tip with a wet finger, hands it back to Langly, but he shakes his head. "Nah, you keep it. You need it way more than me." He digs in his back pocket and hands her the last one. "Here, you can take this."

"You sure? This is expensive stuff, Langly." Jo wants him to make sure.

He looks kind of like he's giving up his right arm, but he says, yeah, it's yours.

Jo's not the only one that surprises me sometimes.
 

The food here is awesome, and thank God there's tons of it, because people are eating like they're starving to death. Dr. Scully ordered bunches of platters, hot and cold stuff, really tasty. Course, when you're stoned, everything just tastes a little better.

Mrs. Mulder comes up along Mulder while he's stacking up a plate that's threatening to fall over. "Are you enjoying yourself, Fox?"

Okay, she's his mom, I guess she can call him the name she gave him.

He balances this overflowing plate on one hand-really scary-and flings an arm over his mom's shoulder. "I'm having a great time."

Mrs. Mulder gives him this look like, you must be on drugs.

She has no idea.

I crack up laughing. She looks at me like what's so funny, but that only makes me laugh harder.

And Kelly's there stuffing her face-I like a woman who'll eat. She sees me laughing and she starts busting.

Poor Mrs. Mulder. Not a clue.
 

Becca sees me, and there's no escape. She screams out my name, and I'm like, I just pick her up and bounce her around. Kid's getting big. Well, she is 2 today. And man, can that kid talk. Almost like an adult. Well, not quite, but it's like I never knew 2-year-olds had that many words.

"You having a good birthday?" I ask her.

"I having the bestest burfday!" She's like real happy. And she should be. You should see the haul this kid made. Plus they got enough toys in this house for at least seven normal kids. "It's Daddy's burfday too!"

"How old's your daddy?"

She grins big. "40!"

"Your mommy tell you that?"

"Uh-huh. She says Daddy's not happy 'bout being 40, but he's being happy now!"

Well, yeah, that's true.

"Daddy gots me a playhouse! You wanna see?"

"Where is it?"

She looks at me like I'm an idiot. "On da porch, Micah!"

Oh, I should have known. I let her drag me by the hand to see her new playhouse.

It's cool. Looks like the playhouse Dad got Les and me when we were little, only I bet Dad could put it together a lot faster. Mulder is not Mr. Mechanical. Still, Becca slams the door and it doesn't fall apart, so I guess he can do what he's gotta do.

We go back inside and Sarah's crawling over towards us at about 200 miles an hour. She didn't used to be this fast. And how'd she get so big in a hurry? She's like, she wants Becca to get lost, Becca's not having it, so I end up holding both of them. Whatever. I don't care. I'm mellow.

The cards come out. We've got a big table tonight, and the first game is Deuces Wild. Bets start at a penny. I can live with that, and if I'm truly desperate, I think Ally'd take pity on me.

"Don't you ever just play cards, without money?" Mrs. Mulder is kind of confused.

"Nope," her son says to her. "It's a point of honor to never play without cash."

"Besides, winning all Mulder's money is half the fun," Langly says, waiting for the deal to take place.

"How would you know? You've never done it," Mulder taunts him back.

"Bullshit I haven't. Only time I don't trounce your ass is when you cheat, and even then, I can kick yours."

"I don't cheat!" Mulder looks like, how could you say that to me.

This makes everyone at the table laugh, including Dr. Scully. No, make that especially Dr. Scully.

Think the dope worked for her. She' s looking pretty happy tonight, which is something Kelly says she hasn't been for a while.

"Both of you, if I were to unleash my true kung fu at cards on this table-" Dad's arranging his cards.

"You'd still lose," Byers throws in.

"Don't get cocky," Dad reminds him.

"Frohike, I always kill you at bridge," Byers defends himself.

"But the game tonight is poker, and I, my boy, am king." This makes Martha laugh with the rest of us and she's not even stoned, although there's been some white Zinfandel in the kitchen and I notice her glass is never empty.

"Now who's cocky?" Mulder likes to hassle Dad.

"Kids, kids. Who's first?" Mrs. Scully's the dealer. I look up at her. She's been kind of quiet, but she's got this look on her face like, fuck with me and I will eat you alive.

She is the person to truly fear tonight.

We throw out our cards, and Jo's first one up. Only people left in are Ally, Juliet, Mrs. Scully, and me.

Juliet takes that one neatly, but you watch Mrs. Scully, she's got this look like, if you think I'm taking this lying down, guess again.

Mrs. Scully takes the next bunch of games. Five-card draw, seven-card stud, Texas holding, she takes most of it, and what she doesn't take, Skinner
does.

The rest of us are pretty tapped out after a few hours. We're down to Mrs. Scully and Skinner. And we decided in the beginning, winner takes all. I owe Ally 20 bucks for Kelly and me. Fortunately, she's not an asshole about getting it back right away. She says I can pick up Miranda's new dog for compensation.

"New dog?" Langly looks confused.

"Yeah, for her birthday. We talked about this, babe."

"We did?"

"Yeah. Last week."

"In the morning?"

"Yeah, in the morning."

"Ally, conversations before 8 a.m. don't count, you know that."

"This was after 8 a.m."

"Was I on drugs?"

"Think so."

"Then it doesn't count."

"Doesn't matter. We're getting a dog. You approved it."

"I did? What kind? We getting another house horse?"

"Nope. Jack Russell terrier."

"That's not one of those yappy dogs, is it?"

"No, Jack Russells are great," Juliet says. "Like Eddie on Frasier."

"Who is the only good character on the show," Byers adds. "At least the only intelligent one. We're planning on getting a dog soon."

"What're you gonna get?" I ask.

"We haven't decided yet...we're thinking about maybe an Australian cattle dog, or a Shepherd, or maybe a Belgian Tervuren."

"What's that?"

"A big dog," Byers says. "A big, pretty dog."

"So why don't you have one yet?" I ask. I mean, how hard is it to get a dog? Go to the pound, save a life, make a pal.

"Well, we need to interview some breeders," Juliet says.

"Whaddya mean, interview breeders? Just get a dog," I say.

"Someday Michael and I are going to have a place where we can have lots of dogs and cats," Kelly says, and she's smiling. I pat her on the leg. "That's my dream."

"Well, we want to make sure it's the right dog," Juliet says.

What's the problem here? Any dog is the right dog in my book. I'd even take one of those ugly rat dogs if Dad would let me. Course, he hates those, he likes dogs okay but the place is too small.

"Yes!" Mrs. Scully is triumphant. She takes it all. Skinner looks so damn embarrassed.

Mrs. Scully looks as if she just conquered Attila the Hun, she's so happy.

I said she was the person to fear tonight.

END OF PART 77