DUM SPIRO, SPERO
Part 92
 

LANGLY:

We get the kiddies in the house-Ally's carrying Patrick, I'm guiding Miranda along with one arm. She's crying.

"I'll be down in a few minutes," Ally tells her. Ally's real upset. I don't know. I'm thinking this might not be a great time for her to be dealing with this. Oh, like there would ever be a good time, you idiot, I tell myself.

I tell her to go wash up, why doesn't she come back up when she does?

"I'm tired, Langly, and I don't feel like being yelled at right now, okay?"

"Hey, I'm not gonna yell at you, Randa, cut me a little slack here, would ya?"

"I just wanna go to bed."

"Look, I just wanna talk to you, that's all, I think it's important."

She gives me this hateful look. "Yeah, you wanna tell me what a fuck up I am? Don't bother. I already know." She'd stopped crying, but this gets her going again.

"Look, Randa, just come up when you get cleaned up, we'll talk, okay? Either that, or you deal with your mom."

She thinks about that one. "Fine."

I hope she doesn't pass out on the way down the steps.
 

"Did Miranda go to bed?" Ally asks me after she stuffs Patrick in his bed.

"She's coming back up. We're gonna hang for a while, try to get this straightened out."

"Langly, I think I should talk to her."

"Yeah, me too, but not tonight."

"Why? She's my daughter!"

"Yeah, well, sometimes it works better you're not blood related, you know?"

She sits down at the kitchen table, I can tell she's thinking about looking for her cigs, but she's too upset and tired to look for 'em. "I'm a total loss as a parent."

"No way, Ally. Not even."

"Then why is my beautiful, intelligent, capable daughter doing this to herself?"

"Don't know. Kind of hope she'll tell me."

Ally looks so bummed-she didn't look this bummed even when I first met her, and she was real bummed in those days. "God, Langly, I don't even know how long this has been going on-right under my nose! It's not even like I'm at work all day anymore-"

"Hey, Ally, knock it off, this isn't gonna do her any good, or you. So be cool. Lemme talk to her, okay? Go to bed. I'll be there soon."

She's like upped her guilt quotient about 2000 percent. Not healthy. I mean, yeah, I'm sure we're part to blame, but if I know Ally, she'll try to blame herself for everything, like she always does.

I don't want her doing that. I love her. She's an awesome lady.

And I got to slow dance with her tonight, and that's something we need to do a lot.

"Hey, c'mon. Get some sleep. Love ya, ya know."

She wraps her arms around me. "I love you all so much-and as usual, I screw it up-"

"Ally, please, I don't need that, because for one thing, it's not true. Look. Randa's having a problem. I'm probably having delusions of grandeur here, but I've been so like where she is, and I'd sorta like to think I could maybe help her out."

She looks at me, real sad. "I hope so. Because I don't have a clue as to what to do."

She hugs me and I hug her till we hear footsteps on the stairs.
 

First order of business, get Randa something to eat.

I can't cook for shit, so I do what I do best, which is cold cereal and milk. It's Quaker Oatmeal Squares, which are her favorite. And could be mine. Dammit, she made me try these one time, and they're like so addictive.

"Don't even think about making coffee," she says to me, pouring some milk on her cereal.

My reputation once again precedes me.

"How you feeling?" I ask her.

"Like hell."

"Well, eat some of these, they're not bad on your stomach, might make you better."

I join her.

I decide not to screw around. It's late, we're both tired, we got a major day tomorrow.

"Randa, how long you been boozing like this?"

She glares at me. "Excuse me, what makes you think I've done this before?"

"Because, nobody who hasn't had practice does 151 straight."

"How do you know what it was?"

"Junior ratted you out."

"I'm gonna kill that dickrag."

"No, you're not, Junior wasn't trying to snare your ass, he was trying to help you, ya know."

"He's a nosy bastard."

"Yeah, he is, but he's like, he cares about people. Yeah, he's a major pain in the ass sometimes, but he's got soul."

"Yeah, go ahead, he's so great, I'm so rotten."

"Leave it, Randa. This isn't about Junior. It's about you."

"What about me?"

"Why're you doing this?"

She gives me a look that could only be described-gently-as one of pure hostility. "Oh, so now you're my shrink, huh? Give me a break."

"Look, I seen enough shrinks that I wouldn't do that to you, okay?"

She thinks this is hilarious, and I'm not sure why. "You-been to a shrink?"

"A few."

"Oh, God, that's too funny!"

You know, sometimes she's so damn brutal.

"What's so funny about it?"

"I dunno-just the idea of somebody trying to talk to you about your stuff-and you just smartassing 'em back."

"That's about right, yeah."

"So what made you see one?" She's curious.

"The US judicial system had something to do with it."

"Oh, you mean like when you were in jail, they made you go?"

"Yeah, that was one time. Other time was when I went to rehab."

"What'd you go to rehab for?"

Well, I brought it up...

"I caused a car accident that ended up killing somebody."

She looks at me-I think this is like the first time I ever saw Randa look shocked.

"So you were drunk," she says, simply.

"As a skunk. Wasn't the first time, either."

"When?"

"When was the accident, or when was I in rehab?"

"Both, you idiot."

"Hey, I'm slow on the uptake, don't confuse me with compound questions. I caused the accident in December of '90...I ended up in rehab March of '91."

"What took you so long?"

"Well, it was like, I had a choice, I could either do jail time-and I'd done prison once, and first time I did it, it was country club prison and it was bad enough-or I could go to rehab, since, believe it or not, it was my first DWI."

"Sucky choice."

"Tell me about it."

She studies me, her eyes critical, clear again. "But you still drink."

"I try to be cool about it. I mean, I'm not always successful, but I try to be like, not do too too much, and I try not to drive when I'm totally wasted."

"Wow, now that's progress."

This kid has a tongue like a pit viper.

"Hey, it is progress, girl, believe me."

She's not smiling.

"So what're you saying, Langly? That I'm gonna end up like you did just because I had a few drinks?"

"Yeah, that's what I'm saying exactly."

"Bullshit. My mom drinks, and she's never killed anyone, never had a car accident that's her fault, she doesn't drive drunk, she's always had a job, well, till now-"

"Your mom has a hard time with it. You know that. Only thing about your mom, she can usually figure out when to put on the brakes, and when she can't do it herself, she gets people to help her out."

"Oh yeah, Mommy's real good at letting people help her. Don't think so, Langly."

"Didn't say it was easy for her, but she's learning how to ask."

"She never asks me. And I'm always there for her."

"Hey Randa. Not your job to be there for her. It's her job and my job to be around for you."

"But she never tells me anything. She never talks about how she feels or anything."

"Not her style."

"Too bad. I need her to."

"Why, you think just because she doesn't say much, you can't?"

"Yeah, that's what I think!"

"She loves you, you know."

"I know, I know." She looks real miserable now. "It's just...y'know, there's a lot of stuff that's been freaking her, and like if I told her what was going down at my school, she'd go nuts."

"Doubt it." Takes a lot to make Ally nuts.

"No, you don't get it. It's bad, Langly."

"So tell me about it."

"I don't think you wanna know."

"Yeah, I do, and don't fucking play with me, Miranda."

She's like having a real hard time with this. "You know I lost the election."

"Yeah, I know. Sorry about that. Politics is tough."

"You have no idea."

"Well, actually, I do."

"Okay, then, how about this? I decided to run last year. And people were like, yeah, do it, you'll probably even win. So I did it. And it was like, people who used to be my friends, who like always supported me even if they were more like acquaintances-"

"You sound like your mom when you say that." Ally makes sharp distinction between friends and acquaintances. If she says you're her friend, it means something.

"I think I'm a little more outgoing than my mom."

"Yeah, true." And me.

"It's like, people used to like me, or at least respect me. I was considered pretty cool. Now, it's like, only people that ever talk to me are Shelby, and a couple other people."

"What happened?"

"If I knew, I'd do something about it!"

"No, I mean, what sort of stuff? I mean, the stuff that's happened already."

She looks like, shit, what am I doing here? Miranda doesn't do confidence easy. Gets it from her mom, I think.

"I got some of the nastiest letters and things said about me while I was running. Langly, I know you probably don't believe me, but I'm a goddamn virgin-"

"Why wouldn't I believe you?"

"Just because every guy that ever comes around here, or used to, you act like you're gonna kill them."

"I do not. I just want them to know that they can't be scum."

"They're not scum, Langly. I don't date scum."

"They're teenage boys, therefore, they're scum."

"Whatever. I mean, things like, I was pregnant, I had an abortion, I was screwing a teacher for my grades and that's why he had to leave, that I was like so amoral that if I got to be student body president, I'd corrupt the whole place and everybody in it. They had me screwing everybody and then some. One guy said I was doing it with my stepfather."

Ooh, that is COLD.

"That I did drugs, that I sold drugs, that my mother was an infidel-"

"Excuse me?"

"That my mother was an infidel! Shit, Langly, I had to look the stupid word up!"

"So you know what it means."

"Langly, it's like, people around school, all the cool teachers, they left over the summer, or got fired, or whatever. And I'm getting real tired of hearing about the liberal left-wing Jewish media trying to control everybody-"

"They say this in your school?" I mean, this is freaky. Yeah, we hear about it online and in our work, but I mean, we look for this shit.

"Yeah. And it's like, we always had random searches-"

"I knew that."

"Mommy didn't, not for a long time. She went crazy when she found out. Mommy's big on privacy."

"I know." One of her more sterling qualities.

"But now, it's like crazy, and if you don't submit, you get expelled. I'm just waiting for the day somebody sticks some drugs or something in my locker. I mean, they already put a dead baby in there-"

"WHAT?!"

"Langly, they put like this dead fetus in my locker, in a jar. With this note saying that all Jews are baby killers."

Somebody is gonna hang for this.

"And I've gotten dead animals, like rats put in there."

"I'm assuming you went to administration."

"Yeah, but after about the third time, and being told I was lying, and making it up, I gave it up."

"But you weren't lying." Miranda's mean sometimes. Wicked mouth. But never seen her lie. Not ever.

"In fact, they accused me of having some kind of personal-I forget what they called it-"

"Vendetta?"

"Yeah, I think that's what it was. And I got told if I didn't keep my mouth shut and behave, I'd get thrown out."

"You wanna go to a different school?"

She sighs. "I don't know. It's like, something is really wrong, and I don't know if it's just in my school, but maybe. Yeah. If I can find a place where I'm not gonna get hassled all the time."

"We can do that, you know."

"Maybe. But the thing that makes me so mad is, I have lots of friends who are Jewish, like me, and a lot of them, they pretend to have converted and stuff so that they don't get their butts kicked. And I'm not gonna do that, Langly. I'm Jewish. I pray a certain way. I'm not religious, but I'm still Jewish. And I'm gonna stay that way. I'm not gonna be told how to think."

This kid is tough.

"The jocks are the worst. I mean, school, it's always been like that, but lots of them, they're like born again, and they're like-Langly?"

"What?"

She looks like it's gonna kill her to tell me this. She's hesitating like crazy.

"I'm really scared."

For Miranda to even admit to that, she's got to be like in fear of her own skin. For Randa, fear is for the weak.

"I could understand that."

"No, Langly. I got this note in my locker saying that if I'm not careful, there are people who are gonna put me in my place-"

"Meaning what?" Now I'm getting nervous.

"You know my friend Sara Gorlinsky?"

"Randa, every other friend you got is Rachel or Sara."

"Kind of light brown hair, glasses?"

On the homely side? I don't say it.

"Langly, she was, she was out at the mall, she was waiting for her mom to pick her up, and these guys, they hauled her off behind the parking lot, in the woods, and they-they-"

She can't say it-but I can imagine it.

Oh Jesus fuck.

"Langly, she doesn't come to school. She's scared. She didn't tell anyone but me what happened. They told her if she ever said a word, she'd be dead."

These are kids in what, eleventh grade?

"Her mom, like her mom doesn't even know. She leaves the house till her mom goes to work, then she goes home and hides. And she lets the machine pick up the calls, and she erases 'em before her mom gets there. And her mom freelances so it's not like she's got a regular work number."

"She did tell you."

"I'm the only person that knows. Langly, what if she's pregnant? I mean, she says she's real worried about that. Or if somebody had AIDS? Or something like that, you know, an STD?"

My mind is reeling.

"I ditched school today, Langly. Mommy doesn't know. I ditched 7th and 8th to go see Sara. And I was on my way to leaving her house, and this guy who's a senior, total asshole, he's like, you're next."

Oh man. When did parenting get like this?

"You don't have to go to school there anymore, Randa. We can find you a new place-"

She holds up her hand. "No. I'm gonna fight back, Langly. I'm about the only one that does. Somebody has to."

"Yeah, but something happens to you-oh man, Randa. I can't live with that."

"Look, you think I like being there with things like they are? I hate it, Langly. I'm scared all the time. These assholes aren't kidding."

Duh!

"I'm thinking about getting a gun."

"No, no, and no. No guns."

"I'm serious."

"So am I."

"Langly, if I need to protect myself, I wanna be able to."

"If you got to carry a gun to protect yourself, you can stay home and your mom can teach you."

She shakes her head. "No. And you have to promise me you won't tell Mom what's going on. I mean, Mom's a pussycat. But something happens to me, and she's all teeth and claws."

Don't I know it. This makes me even more nervous.

"Randa, your mom's gotta know. I can't not tell her."

"No."

"Then you gotta tell her."

"She'll freak."

"You gotta tell her anyway. That's the deal. You tell her, or I do."

Okay, I know what's gonna happen next. First, she's gonna roll her eyes. Then the big sigh. Then a bigger sigh. Then a real reluctant, okay.

Do I know this kid or what?

Actually, sometimes I'm amazed at how little I know her. She's not that easy to know.

"I'm not gonna tell her tomorrow. It's Byers's and Juliet's wedding. It's supposed to be a happy day."

"You got one week. One week, you don't tell her, I will."

"Fine. I'll tell her after the wedding's all over. But I mean, it's kind of weird-you know, all this bad stuff happens. Like Juliet got hurt really bad. And all the bad things that happen to you and Mommy. And losing my daddy. Don't take this the wrong way, Langly, but I really miss my daddy."

"Well, I'd think you were pretty hard-hearted if you didn't."

"Thank you. I mean, it just seemed so much...safer back then. Now, it's like, nothing's ever safe."

No, it's not. And that's a horrible thing to realize when you're 15 going on 16.

I know, because I've been there.

"But it's like, even when it gets bad, it's like sometimes you guys still have really good times, and fun, and parties, and laughs."

"Well, y'know, long as you breathe, you hope, I guess."

"Sometimes I feel like hoping's a waste of time."

"It's not, Randa. Really, it's not."

"Did you ever hope to meet someone like my mom?"

"Well, like I didn't know what the person would be like...but yeah, I always hoped I'd meet somebody really cool who loved me like your mom does. And it happened. Took a long time."

"And you never stopped hoping."

"Never. Even when I thought I did." I sort of laugh.

"Did you want kids?"

"Never thought much about it. Once I had 'em, though...nah, I wouldn't wanna be without 'em."

"You really love Patrick."

"Hey, and you, too, y'know!"

Then she does something that really freaks me out, but in a nice kind of way.

She'll every once in a while give me like a quick hug, on a special occasion or something, or pat me on the hand when I'm sick, but she's never kissed me.

She gives me a quick peck on the cheek, then dashes down the stairs.

I think I'm gonna cry now.

END OF PART 92