Disclaimers in part 1
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"There is often in people to whom 'the worst' has happened an almost transcendent freedom, for they have faced 'the worst' and survived it."

~~Carol Pearson -- The Hero Within~~
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LONE GUNMEN HQ
TUESDAY, MARCH 30, 2000
LATER THAT EVENING

BYERS:

Frohike's really done it now. He knows that Sari gets frightened when people start losing control around her, and what does he do? He loses his temper with Langly and me. I mean, Langly was really going overboard, but I don't think Mel had any right to explode like that. Ringo joins me as I open my bedroom door. I don't see Sari anywhere, but my closet door is closed. It's really the only place she can be. She must have been entirely pushed over the edge to hide in the closet.

"Sari?" Langly says softly.

I open the closet door slowly. "Sari?"

"Stay back!" she snaps. She's got something in her hand that I can't quite see.

"Langly, what's she got?"

"One of your ski poles, dude." She's brandishing it like a pike from her crouch under my suits in one corner of the closet. "Sari, babe, put down the ski pole. Nobody's gonna hurt you, promise." Langly makes calming motions with his hands, trying his best to soothe her ruffled feathers.

"We're not going to hurt you, Sari," I reassure her gently.

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry." Mel's voice comes from the doorway of my room. "Please come out, Sari. I didn't mean anything by it. I wasn't angry with you."

"Y... you're sure it's... su-safe?" she asks.

"It's safe, Sari. You're safe here. Nobody here wants to hurt you." I reach out to her. She stands cautiously, her body unfolding; leaning my ski pole back into the closet she comes out, slowly and tentatively. She takes my hand, and I wrap my arms around her to reassure her. "You're safe here, really."

"Gods, I'm so embarrassed," she mumbles into my shoulder, putting her unbroken arm around me and holding on, seemingly trying to find an anchor in her suddenly slightly unhinged universe.

"You're not the only one," Mel says. "I honestly didn't mean to scare you my dear. It's… I think we've all been at the end of our rope around here lately."

"Yeah, mostly you," Langly says.

"Please, Ringo, don't start. We don't need this right now." I glare at him. It was all his fault, anyway. He is, after all, the one who started in on me about 'noticing' her. Apparently, he's still operating under the delusion that I should be making some sort of adolescent attempt to seduce Sari, just because she's attractive. Never mind that she and I are just friends, I feel like death warmed over most of the time, Sari has a broken arm, and neither of us wants to go there.

Frohike is really taking this to heart. He's down on one knee next to Sari, and reaches up to take her hand. "Please forgive me, Sari. I know how that bothers you. Will you give me a chance to make it up to you?" He sounds sincere enough, and even kisses her hand, but part of me still wonders if he's really kneeling down there to peek under the poor woman's dress. I *think* he's looking up at her face, but I can't really tell.

"Look, guys, I think... um... I think that everybody's just kinda... overreacting here. Me included. Can we... well... can we just sort of pretend this never happened or something?" She's acutely embarrassed, and she's close enough that I can see it in her face. "I feel really silly about the whole ski pole thing."

"You've lived a long time around a man who hurt you very badly, Sari. You had a natural, perfectly understandable reaction. It was just a little... misplaced." I try to reassure her, let her know that I can understand at least a little of what she's been through. "Are you going to be okay?"

She's still shivering just a little, but stands up straight as I hold her. In the heels she's wearing, she's almost as tall as I am. "Yeah, I'll be fine John. I'm just a little... touchy still." Mel stands up again and she looks at him. "Please, Mel. I know that life can be really irritating sometimes, but can you maybe try to find other ways to express that when I'm around? Like, take up hockey or something?" She gives him a little smile, and he smiles back.

"I'll see what I can do," he says with a chuckle.

"Why don't we, like, go finish dinner?" Langly suggests.

"Sounds good to me," I tell him. He and Frohike head back for the kitchen.

"You sure you're going to be all right?" I ask Sari. She nods.

"It's hard not to still be jumpy. In public, you know, it's different. Sometimes some of the politicians get angry and blustery, but they know they can't actually do anything in chambers except make noise, and so do I. It's when I'm in a private place, like someone's house, where things can be hidden, that this feels really dangerous to me. At work, I have enough power and public space to feel comfortable, and even if I'm alone in an office with a guy who's getting kind of aggressive, there's always a secretary or an aide on the other side of the door; but in situations like this, my instinct is to run, hide, try to find something to protect myself with."

"Because Barry would hurt you in private most of the time?" I don't want her to become more distressed, but she did offer comment on the situation. I just want to understand her better.

"Yeah. So when Mel went off just as I was coming into the room, it felt... well... like it was Barry all over again." She rests her chin on my shoulder. "It's hard, John. I'm just not used to things being safe. I don't really *feel* safe yet, not inside myself. It's not real for me yet. I'm still looking around all the time, expecting to see Barry coming up the street. I'm finding it really hard to trust people... even you sometimes." She sounds unutterably sad, then hastens to add, "But it's not about you at all; it isn't that I think you're not trustworthy. It's probably just going to take me a long time to get over doing things like this." She leans into me, and I hold her tightly. I can feel that she's still very tense and upset.

"It's okay, Sari. Take all the time you need to learn to trust me. I'll be here. And I swear, I'll never hurt you like that. You'll always be safe with me. I will never, ever touch you that way." I mean that with everything I have, everything I am. I'm not a violent man, and I can't imagine a single reason to ever hurt her the way her ex did. I may not be able to promise I'll never piss her off, or even never be angry with her myself -- friends do get angry with each other sometimes, as tonight so aptly illustrated -- but I can promise never to lay a hand on her in anger. I run one hand through her hair and down the back of her neck, then massage her shoulders where they join her neck, trying to calm her more. After a few moments of that, she finally sighs and relaxes.

"Thanks John," she says softly. "What you said... it means a lot to me. You really are a good friend, you know that?" She stands back a step and smiles at me as I let her go. She really is quite lovely tonight. Believe me, I do notice these things; the softness of her hair, the slick satin of her dress under my hand, the slight, rich scent of sandalwood like incense on her skin. Any man would. I'd have to be six weeks dead not to, and I'm not exactly on the Vatican's list of candidates for sainthood, either. I was told I don't have enough miracles to my credit. But I'm not going to let Langly interpret my feelings for me. Ringo honestly doesn't have a clue about what I think or how I feel. I'm just glad Sari's found her center again.

"Thanks for letting me be your friend," I reply. We head back to the kitchen, and I can only hope that I won't be hearing about this from Langly for the next week and a half. I'm sure he'll find some way to twist the time I've just spent alone with Sari making sure she's all right into something overtly sexual. I'd still pay to see her rip him that new asshole. I just hope it happens when I can see well enough to really appreciate the experience.

LANGLY:

"'Bout time you two got back out here," I say when Byers and Sari finally make their appearance. "Your lasagna's probably cold already."

"So I'll microwave it. It's not like it's a crisis," Byers says. He and Sari go around the corner to the microwave,  and I hear the food nuker humming.

"What do you think?" I ask Frohike.

"Hockey," Fro says, "the most damage you can do to another human being in public and still walk free."

That wasn't exactly what I was referring to, but it's okay. Maybe I should lay off Byers for a while. He's always been one to move at his own pace, whether that's 300 baud or a T-3 line. We both laugh. "Y'know, dude, I was thinking while I was working today. You remember what I was saying about that hacker who got into Sari's box?"

Fro just nods. He's got a mouth full of mushrooms and salad. "Mmhmm," he says.

"I'm kinda thinking that the guy who's been inside this other machine looks real similar. Like, there was the same kind of targeted destructo-shit going on. And I can't be sure just yet, but I think the signature was the same."

Mel looks at me as Byers and Sari come back with Byers' dinner and a mug for Sari. "Interesting," he says, after he's swallowed his chipmunk cheeks full of food. "Maybe we should check into it after we're done here."

"Check into what?" Byers asks.

"The hacker in the system we're working on. Looks like it might be the same dude who got Sari a couple weeks ago," I tell him.

Sari looks up from her cup of tea. "The same hacker? That's strange. I wonder what that's about?

"I dunno. That's why I wanna look."

"I think it's worth checking into," Frohike adds.

"Definitely," Byers agrees.

Sari's all together again, at least. I don't think she was crying; her eyes aren't all red and she's not sniffly.  The conversation is a lot less loaded than it was before Frohike blew, too. It's like the atmosphere here is little lighter now.

After dinner, Byers cleans up the table (Sari helps; somebody needs to make sure he can hit the trash can), then he perches on the red couch --  his usual place these days. Like, I think his ass is gonna grow roots. God, I really hope he'll be better enough that he can start working again soon. It's driving all of us nuts, him as much as me and Mel. Sari sits with him, and starts to read that French thing to him again. Mel and I get back to work on looking into this system we've been hired to fix.

Fro and I talk back and forth about this stuff, looking into some of Sari's old files as well, to do some comparison stuff. As we talk, sometimes Byers or Sari will make a comment or ask a question. Byers keeps trying to backseat hack, which is really pretty annoying. I mean, yeah, he makes some damn good suggestions, but like, he's not hovering over a hot keyboard with us, like we usually do, so there's always the extra dialogue and it kind of breaks the rhythm. "Did it work?" he's asking me, for like the fifteenth time  in the last ten minutes. If he could see, he wouldn't have to ask.

"Yeah, it worked Byers. Now shut up and let Sari read to you. I gotta concentrate."

Frohike backs me up. "If you don't shut up, I'll make you go to your room."

"Oh, don't tell him that! He'll be a total jerk so he can be alone with his chickie again," I moan. I bet he'd do it just to get some more private time with Sari. God, she's so hot tonight, even if she *was* crouching in Byers' closet, ready to impale us with a ski pole. If I was him, I wouldn't be in total denial about her. Hell, if I didn't have Deb, I'd think about snapping her up myself, except she's way classier than I have any hope of being.

"Richard Langly, will you just *stop* with the juvenile case of testosterone poisoning? I'm not going to warn you again," Sari growls. "Next time, buddy, it's a whole new asshole for you!" She gives me a glare. "And the same for you, Melvin."

Fro looks up. We're both blushing. "Hey, I didn't even say anything!"

"No, but you were thinking it, weren't you?" She's all suspicious. And of course, she's most likely right. Byers is just laughing at the whole thing. He really seems to be getting off about Sari getting bent out of shape at us.

Mel puts on his best innocent look. It's never been convincing. "Me? Why, my dear, I can't imag..."

"Gym sock," Sari says. "Dirty gym sock. Mouth." He gets a little pale. I think she'd really do it. So maybe she'd only touch the gym sock with tongs, but the result would be the same. We both turn our attention back to the computers, maybe a little faster than necessary. I can hear her giggle before she starts reading to Byers again.

We keep on it for another hour or so, but Byers is mercifully quiet now, mostly just listening to Sari read, or talking to her real quiet, so that I can't really tell what they're saying.  Finally, she stands up and stretches, and says "Well, guys, it's nearly midnight, and I've got an early work day coming up. No rest for the obdurate."

"Are you sure you can't stay just a little longer?" Byers is being whiny again. Of course he wants her to stay, but even he knows that she keeps ungodly hours and gets up at obscene times in the morning. Hell, I think she gets up even earlier than he does.

"I wish I could, John, but I really need to get home and get some sleep. Tell you what, though. I'll see about bringing the Cardinal by next time I come over, okay?" Cardinal Richelieu is the coolest cat. I think that announcement cheers all of us up. There's a universal affirmative from the room. She goes around and gives everybody a nice, warm, one-armed hug. She's gotta be about the friendliest person I've ever met, always touching someone, even if it's just a hand on your shoulder. It's like her world is anchored by touch. That's just so weird, given what Barry used to do to her. You'd think that the last thing she'd want is anybody getting that close, but instead, she really seems to need it. Maybe she just needs to know that there are still people out there who aren't like her ex, who don't beat on people and break their bones for a hobby. Whatever; if she wants a hug, she can always have one from me. Especially when she's dressed like this. I swear, Byers must be on some weird kinda drugs that totally lobotomize your sex drive and shrink your dick to microscopic size. This is nothing like he was with Susanne. Then again, that's probably a good thing.

Frohike sees her out the door, apologizing to her again, and she smiles at him and says it's really okay, that she was just a little too jumpy still. I wonder how long it'll take for her to get over that? Byers heads for his room about ten seconds after she's gone. Wonder what he's gonna do with himself... Maybe he's not so lobotomized after all.

End part 2