Littore Quot Conchae, Tot Sunt in Amore Dolores
 

BYERS: (Valium Haze)

I think I'm asleep...not sure.

I seem to recall someone injecting something into my arm...was it a few minutes ago? A few hours ago?

I don't know.

The only thing I am certain of is that Frohike arrived. Beyond that, reality is questionable.

Did this really happen? Maybe I fell asleep waiting for Juliet to arrive home, and I am in the throes of a horrible nightmare...that has to be it...yes...when I wake up, she will be home in our apartment, and all will be well...she'll offer me something to eat...rub my back...

But I'm not at home...I don't think...our bed is far more comfortable than this...

Frohike must have tucked a blanket around me. I'm not cold on the outside...I'm shivering on the inside...

Susanne...what happened to you? Where are you?

Was it my fault? Was it yours? Both of ours?

Why is it that every time I have a stab at happiness, something comes along to smash it?

It's as if my life is this fragile crystal glass...waiting to be filled...and when someone finally pours wine into it...it's smashed like atoms...why?

How could I have done this to two women?

Not just one, but two?

They deserved better than this.

They deserved lives free of deception and lies and secrecy and intrigue and misery...

Unlike me.

I think, though...I've convinced myself for so long that I deserve this anguish...what did I do in the first place to deserve it?

Where did it all start?

I don't remember a time when I didn't feel as if any misery that came my way was my due...

Juliet, you have to get well...you have to...you have to...please...I think I've paid my dues...please...I want a life with you...it's taken me too long, but I finally know what I want...

Joy.

A simple word, a simple concept...so elusive and rare...and you can never seek it...it has to find you...

I'm such a fool...for so long I didn't even realize that joy had visited upon me, and was moving in...

Susanne...I'm so sorry...I have to go on...I love you, but I have to go on...I cannot live in a joyless shell of yesterday...there are not enough memories to move me forward and be satisfied.

I wonder about our child...the one that died with you...unexpected but so very much wanted...

Susanne...I am sorry...I have to say goodbye now...

Juliet...you have to get well...when you're awake, and I'm awake, we will go back to our apartment...and look for a house...make children...do all the suburban things we are both so well-designed for...and we are...please wake up...please wake up...

If you cannot wake up, neither can I...
 

FROHIKE:

He's having a nightmare. I failed to remember that Valium doesn't agree with everyone, and apparently Byers is one of those that it induces anxiety as opposed to relaxation.

I shake him, gently, trying to force him through the fog that the drug will induce regardless of how it will affect a person mentally.

He is sweating profusely, muttering something I don't understand...

Finally, dulled blue eyes blink at me...he's experiencing all of the sedative physical effects and none of the mental ones.

What to do.

This room, like all ICU rooms, is tiny and crammed with equipment. There is barely room for our two chairs.

Still no word on Jeffrey Parker.

Juliet's vitals appear to have had a small improvement; her BP certainly looks better, and she's breathing more regularly. She is fortunate not to have to be vented.

She is still not conscious.

Byers needs to be here when she wakes up-for the sake of both of them.

In the meantime, he needs to rest.

I lead him to the waiting area, which is fairly full, but there is one sofa with only one person on it. I gently ask the individual if they would mind moving to one of the chairs for a time, and the woman graciously agrees to do so.

I seat myself at one end, guide Byers to lie down-I doubt he will even remember this-and he places his head in my lap. The woman who so graciously gave up her place offers to cover him with the blanket he dragged along with him, rather like Michael would do with his as a toddler.

I need to get hold of Michael. Someone needs to be in with Juliet.

It will have to wait.

With my arm wrapped over his shoulder and his head cradled in my lap, he's calm. He seems to slide down into a deep slumber now, not the restless agitation that accompanied him in the chair in Juliet's room.

I may be sitting here for a long time.

Every once in a while, a situation will arise that makes me rethink my aversion to cellular telephones...I think this is one of those times.

First things first. Let the boy sleep.

He does.
 

LANGLY:

"Where're my clothes?" Ally's standing up now, she managed to break her IV line out of her hand. Course, she's kind of light-headed, so as soon as she stands up, she sort of falls down, I manage to keep her from hitting the floor with a crash.

"Ally baby, you're crazy, you're not going anywhere." She can't. She's not ready. She's still tired and bleeding...

"Fuck I'm not." Blue eyes on fire. "You can either help me, Langly, or I do this myself, but we're going to Baltimore. NOW."

Only clothes she has she came in wearing...and they're all bloodstained.

"I can wear them to the house, we'll stop there, I'll take a shower and change, and then we're going. Got it?"

Why do I cave in so easily to her when she's like this? I mean, she's like a foot shorter than me and a hell of a lot lighter...

And tougher than I'll ever be.

I grab the short denim skirt she wore when we got here, and the purple shirt she had on...everything's dark red with dried blood, I wince when I see it.

She looks at the clothes and I can see her eyes fill up again.

"Langly...when we get home, do me a favor."

"Uh-huh."

"Toss these clothes out...I don't want to be reminded each time I wear them..." she's choking back sobs now, taking hard breaths like she does when she's trying hard not to cry...

Damn. I liked that skirt on her.
 

She doesn't look too great on the drive home. And she thinks we're going to Baltimore?

Yeah, she does. Which means we are.

We got a lot of shit leaving the hospital. Ally says she doesn't give a fuck, she's not seeing that ob/gyn again, and Dr. Shalad's basically told us to get lost, anyway...so it's not like we're worried about being kicked out of their practices or anything.

I just hope she's okay, 'cause I have no idea what to do if she gets real sick or bleeds real hard or anything like that. Or who to call. I mean, there's Jo...but Christ, Jo's done enough for us. Scully'd help us if we needed her to, but it'd be hard for her...but I decide if we get real stuck, that's who we'll call.

God, I am so fucking depressed...I know I gotta be an adult about this, but man, I can't get rid of the kicked-in-the-guts feeling I got.

I hold up Ally to get her in the house, and she leans in against me.

Miranda comes running up the stairs and looks shocked as shit to see her mom and me.

She comes over and gives her mom a big hug, and then, me too.

"Mommy, are you okay?" She asks her.

"Hmm...well, not really...but we need to head up to Baltimore. Where're Michael and Kelly?"

"Over at Byers's and Juliet's, feeding the cat...you want me to call them?"

"Well, we might be gone for quite a while, you gotta have someone here with you," I tell her.

"Langly, I'll be fine." She rolls her eyes at me.

"I don't think so. I don't like it when you're all alone."

"Why, don't you trust me?" Her eyes are hard, mocking.

"I trust you fine, 'Randa. I just worry."

"You shouldn't worry so much, Langly."

But I notice she does go grab the phone when I take her mom into our room.
 

Ally's on the edge of the bed.

"Langly." Her voice is real small and tired. "Can you...do me a favor?"

"I'll take care of the clothes, don't sweat it."

"No...I'm still kind of light headed...can you get in the shower with me? I mean, you don't have to, I'm still bleeding and all and it's not really pretty, but can you at least-"

"Hey, I'll come in with you, no problem."

It's not like I couldn't use one myself.

And damn, it's been a long time since we were in the shower together...
 

Not the ideal circumstances, but damn, I missed this so much...

She holds on to me, and for a real long time, I just cuddle her next to my heart, which is right about where the top of her head hits.

She's so tiny...and she seems so helpless right now. Which is weird.

It's like, even though I'm probably more helpless than her right now, I feel like, I got to be strong for her.

I wanna tell her everything's all right. But it's not. Nothing's all right.

Except holding her like this again. Somewhere, in the middle of all the shit going down, standing here with the hot water running over us, her skin on mine, it's the first thing that's felt right in a long time.

"Langly." Little tired voice again.

"Yeah?" I kiss the top of her wet red head.

"I'm so sorry..." she's sobbing again. "I wanted to do this...anything for you...but I can't...I'm sorry..."

"Yeah." I look at her, and she lifts up her pretty eyes to look at mine. I have to smile at her a little. "Tell the truth, I was wondering what you were gonna look like in a few months, all puffed up and everything..."

She frowns for a moment. "Well...there are pictures of me when I had Miranda...if you want to see them..."

"Yeah, I do."

"I have to find them...but if you want to look at them, that's fine, I'll get them out."

"Like that. Hey, Ally, I gotta know...how big did your tits get?"

First time I've heard her giggle in a while, and it's like, it's so nice to hear it.

"Well...let's just say, it's the only time in my life I could ever hope to get beyond a B." She's giggling now.

God, I missed that so much. I miss her being a gigglepuss.

"I love you, Langly." She smiles at me, a little sad, but with that look she gets where I just melt into this puddle...

And we kiss. A real one. A long, long, one.

I'll always probably wish we could have had one baby together.

But at least for now, I've got my girl back.

And maybe we can't make babies...but we can still make love, and the minute she's able and willing, I'm gonna show her how much I do...
 

I really don't think Ally should go to Baltimore. And I tell her that.

She gives me this look like, and are you going to try and stop me?

"Yeah, I am." I tell her. "I really don't think you're up to it, and you can argue with me all you want, but that's my take."

She looks kind of surprised I'd bite back at her. I don't usually. I'm kind of scared of her sometimes...

"Langly...they're our friends. We have to go. I know I'm not in good shape...but I'll sleep on the way there, okay?"

"Sorry. I'm just real worried...what if you start bleeding real bad or pass out or something?"

"Call 911."

"Ally, that's not funny!"

"I wasn't being funny. Look, Langly...I know it's not the best idea I ever had...but we have to be there."

She's right about that. At least I do...but I don't want to leave her...not when for the first time in ages, I feel so near to her...and not when she needs me this bad.

"Ally. You sorry we did it?" I have to know.

She shakes her head, hard. "Langly...I'm not sorry at all. It was hard, and it wasn't fun, and I'm really sad...but no. I don't regret it. You?"

I don't know. Sometimes I wish we'd left well enough alone...other times, at least we tried...

"Not sure. I think I'm not sorry. I just feel so fucking shitty about it all. Maybe in a while I'll feel better about it." I hope so, anyway.
 

"Take a blanket," I tell her.

"Langly, sweetheart, it's 86 degrees!"

"Take one. I'll feel better."

"All right, all right." She takes one of the fuzzies off the sofa.

Plus, like she said, it's 86 degrees...which means I'm gonna run the AC in the car...and she's gonna get cold...

"We have to stop on the way," she tells me.

"For what?"

"For...female things. And cigarettes."

"Ally, you haven't smoked in four months-you're not gonna go back, are you?"

She glares at me, hard. "Listen, Langly. I've been fucking climbing the walls all this time for one, and goddammit, I'm having one!"

She's nuts! I mean, she's gone this long...

"Okay. Make me a list."

"You don't have to go in, I do."

"No. I'll do it."

For some weird reason, she comes over and gives me this huge hug...and God, I love her so much...

And I start to cry. Again.
 

"Miranda, you make sure Kelly's here tonight, you got it?" I'm chewing her ass as we're getting in the Corolla.

"Langly, I will, okay? Now go! Jesus!" She shakes her head at us, turns to go back inside, but then gives her mom a hug, and then, again, me.

"We'll call you later," Ally tells her.

"I'm sure you will." Rolls her eyes like she always does.

Maybe we drive her crazy, but I think she takes comfort in that.
 

We make a stop for Ally...I really don't wanna buy this stuff, but she asked...

Christ, I had no idea she was that nicotine-starved...she just about grabs the smokes out of the bag like she's running from a fire.

And I join her.

Time to drive to Baltimore.
 

FROHIKE:

Byers continues to sleep. I requested that the nurses keep me informed as to Juliet's condition so that if anything changes, we can move back to her room...I know Byers will want to be with her when she wakes up.

Jeffrey Parker has suffered not simply a stroke, but a deep bleed in the brain...Caroline Parker came to tell me herself. His prognosis is not definitive right now, but his condition is critical, and it doesn't look good. He's paralyzed completely on one side and unable to speak.

I am so sorry for this woman who has suffered two tragedies in the last twenty-four hours.

And yet, she asks after her future son-in-law, smooths a lock of his hair.

"Poor thing. Juliet is so happy with him...he's a good man, isn't he, Mr. Frohike?"

"It's just Frohike, ma'am. And yes, he is."

She actually smiles. "It's not ma'am, then. It's Caroline. And in spite of everything, I'm heartened that Juliet has such wonderful people in her life to surround her."

"There he is," I hear a familiar female voice. It's Allison...what is she doing here?

Well, she and her young man...he's holding her arm.

Caroline Parker, once again, astounds me. "Oh my. You're the couple who lost your baby...I just wanted to say how terribly sorry I am."

This makes Allison burst into tears, and Langly looks slightly embarrassed. "Not half as bad as what you're going through."

She smiles at him again. "Yes, it is."

I don't think they've been updated. "We have another problem...Juliet's father has suffered a stroke deep within the brain..."

"Oh, man, I am like so sorry!" Langly really looks ashamed now. "What can we do?"

I tell them, they're to go to Juliet's room and when she wakes up, to call us immediately. In the meantime, I'll stay here with Byers and help him get some rest.

Langly kneels down next to Byers. "Narc-boy, you ain't looking so hot...but we're all here. Hang tough."

Allison embraces Caroline Parker, and kisses Byers on top of the head. Then she hugs me.

"Once again, we're all leaning on you, aren't we, Papa Frohike?" She's got tears in her big blue eyes.

"I think that's my job...go on. Be with Juliet. And call my son."

"What you want me to tell Junior?"

I have to think about that one.

"Tell him...it's all up to him right now."

I realize that's a bit cryptic, but Langly's been around me long enough.

"I'll have him bring you a laptop."

"That would be good."

"And tell him to get moving on July."

"He's going to have to...or there's not going to be any July issue." Which there may not be, anyway, at least the way things are going at this point.

"Ah, Junior can do it." Langly grins at me.

I'm skeptical myself.

Right now, I'm skeptical of everything.

And I could really use a drink.

END OF PART 35