Modus Vivendi
 

BYERS:

May 16, 2001

How lovely not to have to wake up and go into DC.

Juliet and I spent the better part of the day languishing. We rarely do that. She did contact Luanne Russell, whom Frohike has been doing a lot of work for, and she has an interview with her tomorrow, which she's thrilled about. I don't know if she'll be thrilled about the job, but she's been out of work for a while, and I think she looks forward to simply being employed again.

Languishing wasn't all we did. But I'll spare you the details, except that this time, I remembered my responsibilities.

I should have gone into the offices hours ago, but it's just been so wonderful to lie about and...and...

I love this time of year.

After being supremely lazy for far too long, we actually got out of bed and had lunch at DonnaJ's Café, where we haven't gone in ages. They make the most wonderful chicken Caesar of anywhere I've ever tasted one.

Before that, though, we used the shower massager in a variety of new and different ways. We don't usually share the shower, but today, well...

They say in the spring a young man's fancy...

I am seriously afflicted this year. And I'm not even that young.

Which has made me consider Juliet's and my near-miss. I'm 37. She is 32. And the last time I checked, we were getting older as opposed to younger.

And I'm acutely aware that Juliet's biological clock is nearing the time when the alarm will go off, shrieking, demanding satisfaction. I can almost hear it ticking. I think she was secretly disappointed while being immensely relieved, both in the same breath.

I need to come to a decision here. It's unfair of me to be so undecided. Especially to her.

While I am enjoying sharing residence with her, I am also somewhat uncomfortable with the concept. I'm sorry, but I was raised in a certain fashion...and I do feel that it's getting to be near time to either make a commitment to this relationship, a permanent one, or abandon it.

And I don't want to abandon it. I would be lost. Yet, at the same time, I agonize over the thought of proposing.

Not because Juliet wouldn't say yes. I think she's just waiting for me to shake the cobwebs off my brain and ask her. She asked me once, and like an idiot, I blew it.

I keep thinking I should have accepted then and there. It might have made this so much simpler.

It's not that Juliet has brought it up. She hasn't. It's what she doesn't say in this case that is making me acutely aware that I need to arrive at some sort of resolution.

Perhaps while she is interviewing tomorrow, I'll look at engagement rings.

Did I just say that?
 

MICHAEL:

It's probably a good thing Kelly has to work today, or I'd never be able to think about anything but playing with her.

I want the whole summer to be like yesterday.

Fat fucking chance. I PROMISED Dad I'd work at TMB today, and if I flake out on him, he'll have my ass in a sling.

One thing I am gonna do, though, is go swimming. There's free swim this afternoon at the pool at school, I can use it, and I'm going. I started pudging out at the shore, and it's been downhill (uphill?) ever since. So he can bitch about it, but I'm taking a break and I'm gonna swim myself silly.

I wonder if I can convince Ally and Langly to put in a pool. They got a spa, and that's cool, they say Kelly and me can use it anytime (that they're not in it). But it's like, there're always people there, you can't use it au naturel, get any privacy.

I haven't done it in the water yet with Kelly. I love Kelly, I love water, I'd like to experiment with that one.

Plus, the 'Stang is acting up, I need to go down and beat it into submission. Just what I wanted to do, work on my car. Not.

I used to really like working on cars, I could do it, it wasn't too hard. But nowadays, it takes too much time, and it's a real pain. But I can't argue with the price I got the 'Stang for. Langly sold it to me for a buck. It was a pretty funny transaction.

He finally did get a car. I think Ally threatened to kill him or worse, not let him take hers anymore. He got a Corolla, it's basic, it's unkillable. Ally approved of it. She said if he so much as LOOKED at a minivan or SUV, she would disavow any knowledge of him. I don't think he would have, but lately, you never know.

I got to pull my head together and get into work mode. It's real hard after such a long semester. But there's stuff that needs doing, and I got to do
it...

What the hell has happened to me?

Jesus, have I become...responsible?!

Oh God no.

Man, I used to be cool about stuff...if I didn't wanna do it, I'd say fuck it and shine everybody.

I had time in those days. Time to watch cartoons. Time to get high. Time to just lie around...

And think about what a waste my life was.

I keep wondering, I've got more responsibility, do I got more purpose?

Yeah. I do.

I'm a lot more stressed, most of the time. I'm probably gonna end up one of these years with an ulcer like my dad. I got days where I feel my stomach just knotting up and I think about all the stuff I got to do and I start freaking out.

But then I get it done. I know if I don't, my dad will kill me, the guys will bag on me, and me...

Well, I'd have NO self-respect. I don't have a hell of a lot as is, but if I didn't do what everyone expected me to, it'd be like I'd feel like I was such a waste case.

And Kelly'd never pay attention to me if I didn't do what I was supposed to do. I mean, she's totally into being responsible. I don't think she has any use for somebody who's totally wasted in her life. I know she doesn't, in fact. She grew up around those people, and she spent her whole life trying to get away from them.

Now she has. And I think most times she's okay with that. But she misses her mom, big time. She calls Mom to let her know what's up, but it's like her mom doesn't want to have anything to do with her. Because she left home. Because she doesn't want to be like them. Because she accused Mom's flavor of the month of raping her (I can kind of say it now, but it's still hard), because he did.

She worries about her mom. I know business has been bad for her mom, a lot of people when Kelly got on Troy for what he did and wouldn't back down, people in Warrenton took it out on her mom, and things are pretty tough all over.

But if her mom had been a real mom in the first place, it wouldn't have happened.

Kelly keeps bugging me to go visit my mom. So does Dad.

I'm not sure I can do that.

I mean, it hasn't been too bad between Mom and me lately. We talk on the phone once in a while, nothing much, but we just say hi and see how the other one's doing, and then we hang up, pretty much. She came down when I had surgery, and she hung for a couple days, and it wasn't all that bad. Mostly she let me sleep, thank God. And she did make sure I got good drugs. Mom's a nurse, she knows about that stuff.

It's just that with Mom, there's so much stuff. I mean, with Dad, he was gone for so long, it was almost like I could start pretty much clean. With Mom, there's like all this nasty baggage, and it still weighs me down big time.

Same with Leslie, my charming sister.

And she'll be here this weekend.

Oh God.

Dad is a basket case. He got an e-mail late last night from her, saying she was coming late Friday night and staying the weekend.

I know he wants to see her. He's been writing her for months, asking her to please come and visit. But now that she's coming, he's like so nervous about it.

Course, this is Leslie we're talking about, El Supremo Bitch. Leslie's scary. She's so fucking cold. And she's always so right, and so perfect.

Except she's got this partner, an intimate one, and it's not a guy.

This did not go over big with my mom. She still moans about how Leslie did this to her, blah blah blah.

It always comes back to you, doesn't it, Mom?

But maybe I should try and go see her. I mean, she LOVES Kelly. I'd take Kelly with me. Then she wouldn't bag on me the whole time.

But it's not gonna be this weekend, and I don't see how I'm gonna get out of seeing my lovely sister, so I got to pull myself together and get ready to bite my tongue till it bleeds and falls off.

Just the thought of this makes my stomach go nuts.

Crackers and milk. That's what Dad lives on when his guts are eating him. I could use some right now.

I check the cupboards, which really need a serious restocking. We haven't hit the market in a while.

No crackers. Fuck.

I check the trash can. Yep, there's an empty box of Premiums in there. Fuck. Just when I could've used some.

I got to get some food in this place.

One more thing I got to do. Jesus.

I mean, I'm happier than I used to be. It's like having people around me, I feel better. I don't feel so lonely. I feel like part of the human race.

But sometimes it's a lot of work to be part of the human race.

And I better get my ass moving to take care of today's portion.
 

LANGLY:

May 17, 2001

This is gonna be one long fucking day.

I got the time off this afternoon to go to Ally's appointment, so I get to leave at 3. Nathanson hasn't been TOO bad to me since he found out Ally was pregnant. He says he's got three kids himself.

Funny, I can't picture it. I bet they all hate him.

He probably figures I'll behave myself and be a good boy 'cause now I got a kid on the way and I got to take care of everybody.

The bastard's right. This irritates me. Not that I have to do it, but that he's right.

When we read the template the other day, it was first like, oh man, this is so cool, I can't believe it, it's awesome. I couldn't make my feet hit the ground if I wanted to.

This morning, it's kind of like, I hit the ground with a thud. Not sure what happened, but I woke up, and it was like, oh my God, I got a baby coming, I got a pregnant wife, I got a teenager, I got all these people to take care of and they all depend on me...

Whoa.

And it's hard. Ally, who's like the most level person in the world normally, is like up one second, down the next. She cries real easy, then she'll start giggling, and she's like always ready to fall asleep. She comes home from work, hits the sofa, she's out for the count.

Plus it's like I got to help Miranda come around. She's not a happy camper, that's for sure. And if I keep being such a bastard to her, she's gonna really hate my guts, which she does about half the time anyway, she's getting to make it a full time thing. So I got to talk to that girl. I mean, we're not trying to take her place or anything. She's still real important to us. Plus Ally tries real hard to deal with her, but right now she's so mad at her mom, and it really breaks my heart when she and Ally don't get along. They do, most of the time. Not right now.

And she's madder than hell at me. I mean, real mad. She gets mad at me a lot, but it's like, we yell, we get it out, it's over, we go and eat some cookie dough together.

She's not yelling at me right now. She's like stone cold silent. And that's way worse than having Miranda screeching at you for what a bastard you are.

I need to get her some Gummi bears for starters. I mean, you think, yeah, Gummi bears. That's really gonna make it all better. Right.

But for Miranda and me, Gummi bears are one of the things we always have when we're just talking and hanging together. I like hearing her opinions on things, which is good, 'cause she's got lots of them, but she really thinks things out, and I like that she can think for herself, she's not just following her generational pack. She does real good arguments. And man, she's like almost psychic, it's kind of scary sometimes. She knew I was gonna marry her mom before I knew I was gonna marry her mom.

So Gummi bears. And I got to remember more cookie dough. And some Snickers. The small ones. She likes the small ones, not the large ones.

But not tonight. Tonight's Joanie's birthday. She's 54 today.

She saw another birthday. I'd like to think I helped her get there.

I feel sort of bad, because I keep wondering if she'll see 55. And that scares the hell out of me.

I don't want to lose my big sis. I can't. She's gotta stick around. No way can she go and check out on me, not anytime soon.

So it's like I should be real happy she's here, she's having another birthday. So why do I feel so sad?

Ally's still sleeping, she's gonna go in later. Scully wants her to take it easy, at least till she gets clearance from her ob/gyn that she can be there like normal. Ally seems to think she's gonna be able to do it like she did with Miranda, she worked till two days before she went into labor.

That was then. This is now. And she's so damn tired.

It's like, I wish she'd just stay home, take it easy, say this is what's happening now, everything else can wait. But if she gets told to do that, I don't think she's gonna take it well.

And Shalad, once you've done the fait accompli, she sends you off to one of her colleagues to do the actual mom care. So we're both meeting a stranger today, and this doesn't make me feel good. I don't like meeting new people all that much. It makes me sort of nervous. Plus I like Shalad. She's a nice lady. I'm not sure I'll like the person taking care of Ally, and if I don't, I'm gonna be real uncomfortable. Course, I guess it's up to Ally if she's okay with it. I mean, she's the one having the baby.

I found out some stuff on the person we're seeing in the ways we usually do, but it doesn't tell me if I'll like him. I'm not real pleased it's a guy in the first place. I sort of think of having kids as something women do better, you know? He doesn't seem to have any weirdness about him, went to good schools, probably smart. And I bugged Bergman, who for a physician is pretty okay, and he says he knows him and likes him okay.

So why do I still feel like this?

Like how? It's such a mishmash of this and that, you ask me how I feel this morning, it's like, I couldn't even tell you.

I mean, I got everything I wanted. I got a great wife. My stepkid is totally awesome. I got a job that pays real bucks and I can use my skills. Well, most of the time. I got this incredible house and my friends and we got more readers for the magazine and my sister's doing okay. And I'm gonna be a dad.

So you tell me, why am I so fucking depressed right now?
 

BYERS:

Juliet is off to interview with Luanne Russell. I hope she can work something out with her. Not because we need her money-we don't-but Juliet isn't particularly happy being out of work.

I need to take Tivoli in for her last set of shots, and then I think I'll go...

Look at jewelry.
 

FROHIKE:

We didn't make it to Mulder's last night. The other child is also ailing right now. He and Scully probably spent the night walking the floor and comforting them.

I certainly recall that one as though it was yesterday.

With Leslie, it wasn't too bad. She didn't get sick all that often. And she had a reasonably placid temperament as a baby.

It was quite another story with Michael. I don't think I slept through an entire night for the first two years of his life. He had numerous respiratory problems, and he tended to be a more fractious child than Leslie had been.

But at the moment, the child that hangs most heavily on my mind is my elder one, my daughter, my first born.

She will be here in two days. I have wanted to see her for so long, waited for her to finally answer my pleas and visit me.

Now that she is coming, I feel this horrible sense of dread.

What a terrible thing to feel when one's own child, whom you desperately want to connect with, is finally making the effort.

I have so much to tell her...so much to answer for.

You would think having been through this drill with Michael-hell, I'm still going through it, who am I kidding-it would be easier.

But Leslie is not Michael. And I still have no knowledge of where the landmines in her life are. I know if I step wrong, I could blow up her life, or mine, or both of ours.

And she will be more difficult. She has had a close relationship with her mother, at least until recently. It's my understanding that things between them are somewhat strained due to the nature of her primary relationship.

Which is difficult for me to accept, but accept it I will. She is my little girl.

Not exactly. Leslie will be 28 on the 9th of June. Hardly a little girl.

I don't think Leslie's been a little girl for a very long time. One of the reasons I am so nervous about her arrival is that it would be so easy for her to turn me away.

Unlike Michael, who was in severe need of parenting, down at the most physical basic level, Leslie has no such need. She has always been hyper-responsible, careful, calculated, and well-guarded. She was far more independent than Michael as a young child. I have no reason to believe, based on the tone of her notes to me, brief as they are, that this aspect of her has changed.

There is a deep well of bitterness in Leslie. Michael has his own, but I think Leslie's runs harder and more frozen. I suspect she is resentful of having to assume so much responsibility at such an early age. And for this she, rightfully, blames me.

Had I been there, she would not have had to grow up so rapidly. She would perhaps have not grown so angry, so harsh, so judgmental.

I deserve all of her anger, and more. Just as I deserved Michael's.

Michael has found it in him to forgive a great deal. I am not at all reassured that Leslie will be able to do the same. In some ways, things were much harder for her.

I'm hopeful that even if my daughter cannot be reconciled to me, that she and her brother will at least be to one another. It breaks my heart that she and Michael are so terribly at odds. Irene and I were always close.

And they will need each other someday.

Just ask Byers and Langly. Their sisters are all they have as far as blood ties. Yes, I know that Byers's father is alive and breathing, but he might as well be dead to them for all the care he fails to lavish on them.

As if I had room to talk. I was absent for so terribly long, and I know I do not deserve anything from my children.

But I need it, even if I don't deserve it.

I will try to bridge the ocean that lies between my daughter and me, wide, cold, and fraught with perils.

The very thought of this makes me feel, well, seasick.

I've got to remember more crackers on the way home tonight.

END OF PART 7