"Quicquid bene dictum est ab ullo, meum est." (Whatever is well said by anyone is mine)

Seneca, "Epistulae Morales," 7. Used without permission.
 

FROHIKE:

"Mulder, leave. Now would be good."

I can't see too well without my glasses, but I'm sure he's doing the whipped-puppy look thing. His voice is all mock hurt and innocence.

"What, I come all the way out here to keep you company and you want me to leave? Is that any way to treat your friend?"

"When you're the friend, Mulder, yes." And that's the best he deserves.

"And we thought you were a prick when you were healthy."

"Mulder, don't you have patients?"

"Done for the day. Seen enough whiny-asses to hold me the rest of my life. On the other hand, I am $750 richer for listening to them whine. God, I've got to find something else to do. I hate this."

"Been trying to get anything in conjunction with the criminally insane? I'm sure your friends all miss you."

"Trying. Give me a dozen Hannibal Lecters over one whiny-ass who can't get it up unless he's eaten two bananas and placed a cage of mice under the bed."

"Mulder, why do you do this? It's not as if you need the cash."

"Yeah, but I can't be just hanging out while Scully's busting her ass."

"She's pregnant, you dumbfuck. She shouldn't be busting her ass."

"Tell that to her. Maybe she'll listen to you. She really feels bad this time. Worries the shit out of me, her going into the lab every day."

"Kelly says she's not handling any live culture."

"That's not what worries me. I'm worried that we're going to have an even worse time than we did with the first two. She's so tired, she's sick all the time, more than with the other two. And both of them were born early. I have a hunch this one isn't going to make it all the way till last call."

"What does her doctor say?"

"Same thing I do. But she says she's got to get some things in the pipe before she takes off on maternity leave."

"You two. You don't have the sense God gave an ant."

"Takes one to know one, Frohike."

"Bullshit."

"Oh, come on, Frohike! If you were taking care of yourself, would you be back here?"

"I don't think that had anything to do with it."

"Scully thinks it had everything to do with it."

You know, it's not nice to hit me in my soft spots.

And Dana Scully-Mulder is a person that I like, love, and respect. If that's not a soft spot, then I don't know what is.

"So you're gonna go home and do this all over again, aren't you, old man?"

"Mulder, did anyone ever tell you you're an insubordinate asshole?"

"Only everyone, all the time." He sounds almost pleased, as though I gave him a compliment.

Well, he probably would consider that a compliment.

"And those are your good qualities."

"Frohike, you'll never know what my really good qualities are."

"Thank God for small favors."

"It's not small, I can assure you."

Gag me.

"Mulder, aren't you having some surgery on your more...private members
soon?" That should shut him up.

"Soon as Scully has ultrasound, make sure everything's okay."

"Which is when?"

"She has ultrasound this week. Thursday, I think."

"So when is it your turn?"

"I don't know. I haven't scheduled it yet."

"And if your wife has any sense left-which would be quite a feat considering how long she's been around you-she'll schedule it for you, because you never will."

"Like you'd submit voluntarily to someone taking a sharp object to your privates, Frohike."

I shudder at that thought. That's worse than any of the scars I have already. I have one on my belly, but there's a good four inches of clearance between it and any of my more critical apparatus.

Which is why it's going to be so much fun watching Mulder go through it.

"Mulder, I think it's time for you to leave."

"No way. Monday Night Football starts in five. Broncos versus Cowboys."

"Not much game there."

"Yeah, but you have to watch, just to say you did."

"Mulder, you and Dana have a 60-inch flat screen TV. This is a 19-inch cheapo Korean import."

"The Cowboys will slaughter the Broncos, ergo, blurriness doesn't matter."

"Mulder, get out of my room."

Instead he grabs the remote and flips to the Fox Network.

"God, I hate it since Fox took over," Mulder groans. "Worst damn commentators in the business."

"Too many commercials," I grumble. There always were too many commercials, but since Fox paid a substantial fortune for the franchise, it's been worse.

A Budweiser commercial flashes on the screen.

"Hey, see that guy there?" Mulder points to one of the blobs on the screen.

"Mulder, if you're planning to hang out and be a pain, at least get my glasses and be useful."

Finally, vision.

"Which guy?"

"See, the blonde one? Now does that dude look like Langly or what?"

"Nope."

"Sure he does! A little sleazier, but still not as sleazy as you, Frohike."

"Mulder, I can always count on you to lift my ego and my spirits."

"That's me, just little Merry Sunshine."

Please. I'm going to vomit.

It's just about kickoff time, meaning Mulder will probably manage to shut up for approximately 30 seconds. Once the kick is completed, I'll be treated to running commentary on every subsequent play. The only reason Mulder couldn't be a sportscaster is because he's too damn literate. He insists on using a subject and verb in his sentences.

And for those who think interactive TV is still a thing of the future, well, with Mulder, I think interactive TV has been around for years. He screams at the coaches' calls as if they could hear him. And would give a flying fuck if they did. I can't be there when the man watches 'Jeopardy!' It's physically painful.

Probably going to be a boring game, but at least it's a football game-everything else on Monday nights is a wash.

"Melvin, how nice, you have a visitor!"

I recognize that voice.

It belongs to the woman I only know as Gizzie, but believe me, that's sufficient.

"Who invited you?" I glare at her.

"Now, is that any way to treat your guests?" She makes a clicking noise with her tongue. "And here I was worried about you."

Like hell she was. She's spying on me, that's what she's doing.

Bitch. I know that one shouldn't talk that way about a lady, and particularly not about one who is a dear friend of milady, but...

"Here you're doing better, Melvin." She strolls into the room. I see her look at Mulder. "God, they let anyone in here these days."

"You know what I miss most about my old job, Gizzie?" Mulder knows her-she's been his critical care nurse at Georgetown for various work-related injuries. A few times.

"Getting shot at, so I can take care of you."

"How'd you guess?"

"Everyone misses my smiling face."

"Yeah, they do, since they don't see much of it."

"Mulder, my one regret in life is keeping you alive."

"That's your only one?"

"No, I have more than one, since I've kept you from circling the drain at least twice."

"Aw, c'mon, Gizzie, you'd have never let me go down the tubes."

"Only because your wife scares me."

"She scares me, too."

"Good thing. Somebody should."

"You scare me."

"Liar."

"No, really, Giz, don't I always behave for you?"

"It's amazing what a powerful threat a Foley catheter can be."

"And you loved it."

"Mulder, there are things about my job I like. Shoving tubes into guys' dicks is not one of them."

Oh God why did she have to say that? I'm cringing just thinking about it.

"Wow, I thought that'd be your major thrill."

"Takes a lot more than that to thrill me."

"Such as?" He's waggling his eyebrows at her, and she's leering right back.

This could go on a long time.

"Right now, the most thrilling thing in my life is sleep."

"Must be a hell of a dull life."

"Not dull enough. Sleep is highly underrated as a pastime. You should try it sometime, Mr. Insomniac."

"What, and miss something?"

"What, can't stand that you might miss QVC After Dark?"

"No, it's those infomercials for Dead Sea Mud Masque I can't bear to skip. They say it gets rid of wrinkles. You should try it, Gizzie."

"Fuck you, Mulder."

"Only in your dreams."

"My worst nightmare, maybe."

"Admit it, Giz. I'm your favorite patient of all time."

"On which planet?"

"C'mon, who else could make your job so entertaining? I know why you became a nurse, Giz, it's because you love people so much!"

"Mulder, the more people I meet, the better I like my dogs."

"Yeah, the more people meet you, the better they like your dogs, too."

"Excuse me, but some of us are trying to get a little bit of rest," I interrupt the two of them as they engage in their witty repartee.

"Hey, we're not stopping you," Mulder says, not missing a beat.

"We're not even talking to you," Gizzie adds.

"Then how about both of you make yourself scarce? Immediately works, you know."

"We thought you were lonely, seeing as you weren't allowed any visitors."

"Then how the hell did you two idiots get here?"

"Hey, we're both endowed with so much natural charm, all we have to do is smile and the heavens open and the angels sing," Mulder is giving a sickeningly happy smile.

I feel like slugging the sorry bastard.

"Well, in my case, that's true," Gizzie assesses, making a primping gesture.

I swear, these two only came by to be as deliberately obnoxious as possible.

"Besides, I'd never let anything as small as a no visitors rule stop me," Mulder says smugly.

Well, that's certainly true.

"I'm hungry," Gizzie announces.

"What, no grapes for me to peel?" Mulder feigns disappointment.

"You should be so lucky that I would allow you to peel grapes for me."

"Giz, I'd do anything for you."

"Anything that's guaranteed to make my life hell on earth."

"Best days of your life are when I'm on your floor."

"Then it's a wonder I didn't bite the bullet years ago."

"Didn't want to do anyone any favors, I imagine."

"Not you, at any rate."

"I think that's why I never bumped myself off. I'd have made way too many people way too happy. Especially you, Gizzie."

"Yeah, why do anything nice for me? I get you nine toes over the edge, I bring you back, and what do I get for my efforts?"

"The pleasure of my company."

"I'll never have to go to hell for all the horrible things I've done, Mulder. I did my time when I met you. Now are you gonna get me some chocolate, or do I have to whine and sulk for it?"

"That's all you'd do for it?"

"Okay, maybe I'd throw a tantrum."

"I guess that means groveling is out of the question."

"Mulder, in case you haven't noticed, I'm the grovelee, not the groveler."

"Oh, I almost forget, as in she-who-must-be-obeyed."

"Now you remember who you're talking to," she gives a self-satisfied little smirk. "Peanut butter M&M's, and if they have red SweetTarts, those too."

Mulder actually gets out of his chair. "I take it I'm buying?"

"Oh my, he can be trained!" She peers around the door. "And a Mountain Dew!"

I look over at her. I'd really appreciate it if these two would leave-the sooner, the better.

"I'd like to know why I can't have any visitors, but you two drag your asses over here and make me miserable, and nobody's had the sense to toss you out on your ears."

"And here Martha says you know how to treat a lady. I think she's been lying to me."

"I do know how to treat a lady."

"So what am I?"

You'd better not ask that one, Miss Gizzie. I'm in a bad mood, and I might answer you.

"Anything else, your highness?" Mulder comes back with her goodies, and bows elaborately.

"That's the largest size M&M's they had?"

"'No, but that's all the change I had."

"Cheapskate."

"Not me."

"Well, at least I have dinner now."

"You two really don't have to stay." To tell the truth, I'm tired, and I'd like to get some sleep. I'm going home tomorrow if I have to hop out of here on one foot with my ass exposed. However, going home in Martha's Protégé would be preferable.

Being with Martha would so much more preferable than listening to these two throw verbal spitballs at each other, which seems to be what they have in mind. With Martha, we could watch the game, hold hands, she'd tuck me in gently and kiss me goodnight...

I can't stand this.

And if Michael were here, well, he'd probably be his usual self, but he does know-usually-when he's pushed the envelope too far, and by now he'd have the good sense to shut his yap. He and Kelly would probably sit and study, mostly. And Michael probably would give me a hug goodnight. He drives me crazy, but he's an affectionate child, and I love that about him.

Langly wouldn't even be this obnoxious. He'd hassle me for a while, sit and watch the game, get bored, and go home to his wife. Byers probably wouldn't even hassle me-well, not too much.

"This is not a game," Mulder grumbles at the TV set.

"It's not a game unless the Colts are playing."

"Oh, give me a break!"

"Hey, if it ain't Baltimore, it ain't worth watching."

"Just because your city has nothing but a wussy American League baseball team-"

"Hey, those are my Orioles you're talking about, watch it!"

"Figures a city like Baltimore would have a team that has that sissy designated hitter rule!"

"Don't you be dissing Baltimore."

"Why not? There's so much to diss!"

"Excuse me, but that's my city you're talking about," I interject. Baltimore is still my hometown, and I have a peculiar affection for the place.

Admittedly, a peculiar affection is the only one you can have for Baltimore.

"All the more reason to diss it," Mulder adds.

"You met us in Baltimore, in case you don't remember," I remind him.

"Wow, another reason still!"

"Oh, please, preppy, give me a break!"

"How can I be a preppy? I'm a Jewish boy."

"Good thing you didn't say nice Jewish boy," Gizzie sticks her tongue out.

"I'm a really nice Jewish boy. Just ask my wife."

"Who's knocked up, again," I add.

"Mulder, you have no self-restraint!"

"Hey, when your wife's Scully, how could you?"

"It's all right, since the scrumptious Dana Scully can't restrain him, she's decided to restrain his sperm count." Time to get a little bit even.

Gizzie's eyes light up. "Whoo-hoo! Mulder, you're getting the chop?"

"Shut up."

"It's true," I tell her.

"Oh, I have got to be there for this!" Gizzie's doing a little happy dance. "When're you getting it done?"

"I wouldn't tell you," Mulder assures her. "You'd probably want to assist."

"Well, I always did want to cut your balls off."

"You do it every time you see me."

"Hey, a girl needs a little fun in her life!"

"And you always seem to get it at my expense."

"Mulder, what do you think your mission in life is? Without your entertainment value, you're worthess."

"I don't think my surgery counts as entertainment."

"For us it does."

I have to agree with Gizzie on this one.

"Look, I'm not telling ANYONE when I'm having it done! I think I can really do this without an entourage!"

"What, and miss out on all that moral support?" The more I think about it, the more I think we should all go with him.

"I don't need moral support. I need general anesthesia."

"They don't give generals for vasectomies."

"Scully said that, too."

"Well, they don't. It's outpatient surgery, a minor procedure."

"It's not minor to me."

"Really, Mulder, there's nothing to it." Gizzie has a look of total amusement on her face. "All you need is a little bit of lidocaine, they just inject it into the site-"

"OUT! BOTH OF YOU!" My monitors are probably going to signal every nurse on the floor, not to mention security, which would suit me fine.

Of course, a professional assassin would work, too.

"Visiting hours are now over," I hiss at them.

Mulder gives his look of wounded innocence. "And here we were nice enough to take time out of our day and be here with him-"

Gizzie shakes her head. "He's so ungrateful."

"The day I have to be grateful to you two is the day I grow ten inches and a new head of hair! Now out!"

"Frohike, you wound me!" Mulder grabs his jacket.

"And if you don't get out of here, I'll wound you so you won't need a vasectomy!"

I hear Gizzie mutter on the way out, "He's so touchy."
 

I am so grateful to have those two gone.

I say a prayer for mercy on their respective spouses.

I need Martha here. I need my goodnight kiss. I need to feel her rubbing my back, tucking the covers over my shoulder...

Come hell or high water, I will not spend another night here.

I fall asleep.

END OF PART 8